My Disappearing Act....
I have lost 4 pant sizes in 4 months.
Sure, we can sit here and cheer about my weight loss (and how I'm nearly out of the overweight BMI category), but the reality is, that's NOT ok. 10 lbs were lost in 2.5 weeks from July-August. I'm sorry, but that is FUCKED up. Doctors still have no idea what is wrong and it's getting so beyond frustrating. I'm starting to deal with repercussions in other forms, like enamel damage on my teeth.
And some people are damn insensitive.
Last week we celebrated my grandma's birthday. My aunt made a comment about how skinny I was and said, "Please give me your illness! Just for a week! I want it!" How fucking dare you. I mean, really? REALLY?! Are we so fucking superficial that we overlook the amount of absolute AGONY and depression I have had to deal with just to see my outward appearance? I have lost COUNTLESS opportunities to hang out with friends, work efficiently, and better myself because I have been too busy being sick. Hell, I lost $200 in signing up for the GRE's which I will NOT be doing well in because I have not had enough time to adequately study- I'm too busy throwing up.
It disgusts me. People say "Good for you!" and "Whatever you're doing, keep it up!" They have no idea. NO FUCKING IDEA how miserable I have been. I am always nauseous (ALWAYS), and nothing works. I was prescribed the anti-nausea medicine given to fucking cancer patients and it did NOTHING. The only thing that works is a medicine that causes your veins to rot, so I can't be on it. Cool. And people COMMEND me for this. No. Absolutely not. I would rather be back to my size 14 that I was at the beginning of this year than be going through this fucking hell. It has now been almost 5 months of vomiting ALL THE FUCKING TIME. You know how expensive it is to keep buying new clothes? It's ridiculous. My whole sense of self is completely fucked up. I'll buy the size I think is right then several weeks later everything is too big. I guess it's better than the alternative, but I am sick of shallow people thinking this is WORTH the pain.
I have had to cancel endless plans with friends. I wasn't able to see Simon as much as I would've liked (although maybe that's a blessing in disguise in retrospect). At work I will leave my position, go throw up several times during the day, and then jump right back into what I am doing. You think that's fun? Think about any time you throw up...do YOU feel like working 40 hrs a week when you're like that? There are days when literally NOTHING I eat stays down. It doesn't matter if I eat a whole meal or a fucking piece of bread. There is no pattern (believe me, I have documented everything about what I eat, when, how often I get sick, and the gory details involved); there is nothing to help me learn what I can and can't eat, so it's a fucking crapshoot every time. Even if I DON'T eat, I still dry heave, which is almost worse. I also get headaches and shaky if I don't eat. I can't win. And for someone to think THAT is worth being thinner for? Fuck you. That's straight up ignorance.
I wouldn't wish this curse on my worst enemies. No one should deal with whatever the fuck is going on with me. I think back to the amount of fun things I've missed and it breaks my heart. I missed Maegan's Bachelorette Party AND shower, and then threw up several times during the actual wedding. I have spent so many Friday and Saturday nights sipping ginger ale and crying instead of sipping cocktails and laughing. I even threw up in the middle of a damn NAMI talk and had to swallow and keep going. What kind of fucking life is that? Not a fair one, I'll tell you that.
At this point, I almost want to find out I have stomach cancer or something. At least that'd be a freakin answer and something could be done about it.
/rant
In other news, never take Adderall and caffeine pills unless you want to feel like your heart is about to explode. Also don't let ALL of your prescriptions run out at the same time so you're literally running on nothing: it fucks with you real bad.