April 15, 2013. Never forget.
Yesterday is going to be one of those "where were you when..." moments for the rest of my life. I don't think I'll ever forget where I was, what I was doing, or the absolute amguish I felt. Of course I say that now because it's still fresh and happening, but I can't help but feel like my heart has been scarred for life.
I've tried to write this entry over and over and it's not working out well. I can't really come up with sentences or complete thoughts that could begin to describe how I feel. It was terrifying. I was at work, of all places, watching the tragedy unfold on TV. There was an aerial view of the smoky streets below. One of my residents asked, "Hey, is that blood on the sidewalks?"
I didn't answer. I couldn't. I knew if even the tiniest bit of anything escaped my mouth in that instant, I would completely fall apart.
I had to spend 7 hours yesterday pretending that everything was ok. I had to plaster on a smile, lie through my teeth, and tell everyone that we are fine, all is well, and there is nothing to be worried about. Inside, I was dying. I was scared (petrified might be a better word), confused, anxious, heartbroken, and 150% helpless. My residents were more calm and collected than the counselors. We just felt too connected. It was too close. Boston is our home, and I have always felt a deep love for this city. To see it hurting was....just awful.
Part of me wanted to walk right out of work and go straight downtown. I felt like I should have been there, covered in dust and debris, carrying people to safety. I should be a first responder; I should've been there. Yesterday made me wonder if it's a career change I see myself making in the future. It just felt so wrong to be sitting, watching the drama unfold. I needed to be there, in the thick of it. I guess I'm kind of contradicting myself by saying I was so scared and yet I wanted to be there, in even more chaos.....but I dunno. I think I felt so anxious because I felt I belonged down there. No clue.
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I wrote all that on Tuesday. Since then, a massive fertilizer explosion hurt hundreds in Texas and NOW there was apparently a shooting on MIT's campus. I literally can't handle any of this. I still haven't properly grieved/dealt with my feelings from Monday and now all these other awful things are happening. I just don't understand why people have to suffer. I don't understand why innocent people have to die. I don't understand why ANY of what happened this week had to happen. Where's that "God" everyone talks about? Is he out on vacation or something?
I have so many feelings and so many thoughts. I don't think I took the time I needed to grieve on Monday and now I'm just such a mess. All I want to do is sew up every wound and drain my blood into someone who's suffering. I just want to provide all the things I know I can't. I feel so helpless in doing anything for the victims....any of the victims. The many, many victims.
I really can't handle it. I pray for all those hurt and lost, although I'm not quite sure who I'm praying to...
I've tried to write this entry over and over and it's not working out well. I can't really come up with sentences or complete thoughts that could begin to describe how I feel. It was terrifying. I was at work, of all places, watching the tragedy unfold on TV. There was an aerial view of the smoky streets below. One of my residents asked, "Hey, is that blood on the sidewalks?"
I didn't answer. I couldn't. I knew if even the tiniest bit of anything escaped my mouth in that instant, I would completely fall apart.
I had to spend 7 hours yesterday pretending that everything was ok. I had to plaster on a smile, lie through my teeth, and tell everyone that we are fine, all is well, and there is nothing to be worried about. Inside, I was dying. I was scared (petrified might be a better word), confused, anxious, heartbroken, and 150% helpless. My residents were more calm and collected than the counselors. We just felt too connected. It was too close. Boston is our home, and I have always felt a deep love for this city. To see it hurting was....just awful.
Part of me wanted to walk right out of work and go straight downtown. I felt like I should have been there, covered in dust and debris, carrying people to safety. I should be a first responder; I should've been there. Yesterday made me wonder if it's a career change I see myself making in the future. It just felt so wrong to be sitting, watching the drama unfold. I needed to be there, in the thick of it. I guess I'm kind of contradicting myself by saying I was so scared and yet I wanted to be there, in even more chaos.....but I dunno. I think I felt so anxious because I felt I belonged down there. No clue.
***************************************************************************************************************
I wrote all that on Tuesday. Since then, a massive fertilizer explosion hurt hundreds in Texas and NOW there was apparently a shooting on MIT's campus. I literally can't handle any of this. I still haven't properly grieved/dealt with my feelings from Monday and now all these other awful things are happening. I just don't understand why people have to suffer. I don't understand why innocent people have to die. I don't understand why ANY of what happened this week had to happen. Where's that "God" everyone talks about? Is he out on vacation or something?
I have so many feelings and so many thoughts. I don't think I took the time I needed to grieve on Monday and now I'm just such a mess. All I want to do is sew up every wound and drain my blood into someone who's suffering. I just want to provide all the things I know I can't. I feel so helpless in doing anything for the victims....any of the victims. The many, many victims.
I really can't handle it. I pray for all those hurt and lost, although I'm not quite sure who I'm praying to...