(no subject)
Last night was such a great night. I went out for tapas with two of my closest friends from my semester abroad. It has been almost a year since we have gotten together. And it's been THREE years since we were over there. I was so happy with them, eating traditional Spanish food and catching up on each other's lives.
Then I went to bed and you'd think I had never been happy. I had more nightmares than I've had in MONTHS, all in one night. The shit was so frightening I hardly want to write it out because people are going to think I'm severely disturbed. I kinda think I must be. But I go through nightmare phases every couple of months...I have my whole life. This was beyond that. This was an entire night, nonstop, of brutal, violent, graphic and terrifying dreams one right after another. And.I.Couldn't.Wake.Up. When I finally did, I just felt so scared and traumatized that I couldn't move. There was no way I could go to work and function. I hadn't slept; I suffered.
So now I have the reality that people were surely talking shit about how I missed work today. "Oh she probably didn't want to come in on Valentine's Day. It scared her away. She didn't want to get more flowers." I can hear the shit now. It makes me sick. I thought people grew up after high school but life has proven that theory to be false. I love my job and my counselors so much, but some of the other people at my job honestly make me want to punch something. Because they're judgmental and bitter and two-faced. Fuck that. Sorry I spent all night being shot in the eye sockets, biting off the faces of zombies, being raped/beaten up/left for dead, and running away from collapsing buildings at the end of the world.
Fuck everything. I'm just so sad. I hate myself.
Then I went to bed and you'd think I had never been happy. I had more nightmares than I've had in MONTHS, all in one night. The shit was so frightening I hardly want to write it out because people are going to think I'm severely disturbed. I kinda think I must be. But I go through nightmare phases every couple of months...I have my whole life. This was beyond that. This was an entire night, nonstop, of brutal, violent, graphic and terrifying dreams one right after another. And.I.Couldn't.Wake.Up. When I finally did, I just felt so scared and traumatized that I couldn't move. There was no way I could go to work and function. I hadn't slept; I suffered.
So now I have the reality that people were surely talking shit about how I missed work today. "Oh she probably didn't want to come in on Valentine's Day. It scared her away. She didn't want to get more flowers." I can hear the shit now. It makes me sick. I thought people grew up after high school but life has proven that theory to be false. I love my job and my counselors so much, but some of the other people at my job honestly make me want to punch something. Because they're judgmental and bitter and two-faced. Fuck that. Sorry I spent all night being shot in the eye sockets, biting off the faces of zombies, being raped/beaten up/left for dead, and running away from collapsing buildings at the end of the world.
Fuck everything. I'm just so sad. I hate myself.