(no subject)
god i have been so unbelievably emotional lately...
everything that's been going on has just kind of hit me, and it's really hit me harder than i thought it would... one minute i am fine, then the next i was crying! the whole cancer thing with my mom, got into a really bad fight with my dad, dennis is back with his girlfriend, there is absolutely no privacy in the kappa house and i am an hour away from the only person who i really want to spend time with...
i feel like i am just floating through my life right now, through this routine... i go to class, i go out with my girlfriends, i study... but i am so not satisfied and just not happy lately... for one, i'm so sick of the guys here... i always knew that dating is a total toss up when it comes to getting a decent guy, but i have seriously no tolerance for any of them... especially dennis... the one guy that i thought was the most grounded, sweet guy turned out to be a total dick! i have no trust and what's worse, no energy to even be excited to date... they are ALL THE SAME
then there's my parents. i hate them. i recognize that kids say that about their parents sometimes, but my case is not the majority. some people just should not have kids. they are not emotionally equiped to be responsible for shaping someone's life and being a role model. my parents are the poster children for this group. unfortunately, i am completely dependent on them financially. it's so bad that i am researching student loans to pay for my own expenses because i seriously have no interest in furthuring a relationship with either one of them for any purpose. i wish things were different, but people just don't change.
then dennis. if i had trusted my judgement and instincts, i would have come out of this situation unscathed. but no, that would be logical and i can't have that in my life! he got back together with his gf, and i was the first to call it. even though i broke it off with him, it still kind of hurts to know that they are back together. it took so much for me to trust him and to label us monogomous, and to know that my stereotypes about guys that made me initially skeptical were TRUE!... i really have no interest in starting anything else with someone for a long time because they are just all the same.
and george is an hour away. i feel like he's the only person who knows me and i am completely comfortable around. he is my best friend, and it feels like he's a world away from me.
alright. this entire entry is i hate. i hate. i hate. i feel. i feel. i feel.
so here are some good things that are happening in my life. classes are easy and my roommate switched into one of them. i started up yoga again and i have a workout routine that i love! ski weekend with ato is in a couple weeks. i have a class with brian and we are getting along. udo took me to the basketball game yesterday. i have a ride to my class that i originally had to walk 30 mins to. my ass is getting nicer because i am yoga-ing the shit out of it. i have amazing friends.
in addition, some compliments that i have received in the last couple days that really meant a lot to me:
"you are so timelessly beautiful. i look up to you in kappa so much and i absolutly love all of your outfits!" a new pledge, lindsay in my house
"you are such an amazing person. i am so impressed that you turned out to be such a deep, beautiful person with everything that has happened with your parents. if you've made it this far, please don't start letting them negatively influencing you now. i want to tell you that you are such a special person, and i want you to set your standards extremely high, because you deserve it. i absolutely adore you." hugo
everything that's been going on has just kind of hit me, and it's really hit me harder than i thought it would... one minute i am fine, then the next i was crying! the whole cancer thing with my mom, got into a really bad fight with my dad, dennis is back with his girlfriend, there is absolutely no privacy in the kappa house and i am an hour away from the only person who i really want to spend time with...
i feel like i am just floating through my life right now, through this routine... i go to class, i go out with my girlfriends, i study... but i am so not satisfied and just not happy lately... for one, i'm so sick of the guys here... i always knew that dating is a total toss up when it comes to getting a decent guy, but i have seriously no tolerance for any of them... especially dennis... the one guy that i thought was the most grounded, sweet guy turned out to be a total dick! i have no trust and what's worse, no energy to even be excited to date... they are ALL THE SAME
then there's my parents. i hate them. i recognize that kids say that about their parents sometimes, but my case is not the majority. some people just should not have kids. they are not emotionally equiped to be responsible for shaping someone's life and being a role model. my parents are the poster children for this group. unfortunately, i am completely dependent on them financially. it's so bad that i am researching student loans to pay for my own expenses because i seriously have no interest in furthuring a relationship with either one of them for any purpose. i wish things were different, but people just don't change.
then dennis. if i had trusted my judgement and instincts, i would have come out of this situation unscathed. but no, that would be logical and i can't have that in my life! he got back together with his gf, and i was the first to call it. even though i broke it off with him, it still kind of hurts to know that they are back together. it took so much for me to trust him and to label us monogomous, and to know that my stereotypes about guys that made me initially skeptical were TRUE!... i really have no interest in starting anything else with someone for a long time because they are just all the same.
and george is an hour away. i feel like he's the only person who knows me and i am completely comfortable around. he is my best friend, and it feels like he's a world away from me.
alright. this entire entry is i hate. i hate. i hate. i feel. i feel. i feel.
so here are some good things that are happening in my life. classes are easy and my roommate switched into one of them. i started up yoga again and i have a workout routine that i love! ski weekend with ato is in a couple weeks. i have a class with brian and we are getting along. udo took me to the basketball game yesterday. i have a ride to my class that i originally had to walk 30 mins to. my ass is getting nicer because i am yoga-ing the shit out of it. i have amazing friends.
in addition, some compliments that i have received in the last couple days that really meant a lot to me:
"you are so timelessly beautiful. i look up to you in kappa so much and i absolutly love all of your outfits!" a new pledge, lindsay in my house
"you are such an amazing person. i am so impressed that you turned out to be such a deep, beautiful person with everything that has happened with your parents. if you've made it this far, please don't start letting them negatively influencing you now. i want to tell you that you are such a special person, and i want you to set your standards extremely high, because you deserve it. i absolutely adore you." hugo