(no subject)
I've just been out for a walk to vote, took the scenic route there and back. Needed to be outdoors to clear my head, plus with the time I spent on the stepper today, it means I have done about 45 minutes exercise today, which is a bonus. It's a lovely evening out there, the sun is low in the sky so everywhere is bathed in a semi-orange light and the trees are showing off their 'new' greens currently so the whole world looks shiny and new. While out walking I felt peaceful and it made me realise that despite how I might feel sometimes, I don't have a bad life. Which is why I feel rubbish that I am about to write a big miserable post.
I normally keep these things on private - parlty because I don't want to come across like a selfish whiner who nit-picks about every aspect of her life. I know I have most things good, but they are not how I want them and I don't always feel good in myself. Also - please don't think I am writing this for attention - it's not the sort of attention I'd want anyhow, so that really isn't my reason. I gues I just want it on paper and out of my head - and hopefully once it's done i will read it back and realise that things aren't so bad as they seem.
Mum
She's been driving me nuts recently. She comments all the time about my weight or dress size. I'm really sensitive about this - especially at the moment because I really am trying to lose weight and do something about my fat ass. She tried to give me some of her clothes the other day because they were 'faaaaar to large' for her - like size 14 = hippo or something. Today, when I brought home a shirt I'd bought she made a big fuss because it was a size 12, that I had bought the wrong size and it would look tight, when she hasn't even seen it on me. Then, she laughed at me because even if it fits, she finds it hilarious that I am losing weight off my boobs when I am trying to lose it off my legs/bum. I just don't get why she won't drop it. I know she has never been one to respect my space (or anyone else's for that matter) but when I am repeating over and over again that I don't want to talk about my diet/exercise/dress size and she just carries on regardless, I begin to wonder if she even cares how it makes me feel.
Diet/Exercise
This had been going well - I lost the first half stone pretty easily (I'm aiming for 2 stone loss total) - but I have hit a plateau - I haven't lost any weight for 4 weeks and if I so much as look at anything not on my diet list, I put a pound back on. So the food thing is a misery at the moment. As I have said above - I seem to be losing weight from all the places I don't aim to - like my boobs - which is just odd considering the bulk of my exercise is focussed on the legs. I know I haven't built up to the level of exercise i'd llike yet - but what I am doing is way more than I used to - so I thought this would have a little more impact than it seems to be - especially combined with the healthy eating - I haven't had a take-away or dined out for weeks, whereas I used to do so on a weekly to twice weekly basis. I know weight can take a long time to shift and I am determined to stick this out and lose the other stone and a half, but it sure is hard work.
Social
I'm lonely. As much as I try to just get on with things and not let it bother me - it does. I have just paused at my keyboard for about 10 minutes and stared at the screen wondering how to address this topic - half of me wants to pour out what I'm thinking and half of me can't bear to.
I'm sick of being single - I want someone to care about me and love me and not to feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life alone. Someone who calls because they are thinking about me, all that romantic stuff.
I know I sound lame - but it's how I feel and I don't know how to begin making myself feel better. As I said in a previous entry a while ago - my self-worth gets so hinged on other people's opinions of me sometimes I can't even find a way to start feeling confident. I'm going around in circles with this one - and it has to stop but I don't know where to begin ensuring that happens.
Work
I don't even think I have the energy to go into this one right now. Needless to say though, it's not the job, it's the people. However if I write much more I am in danger of sounding like I don't get on with anyone, and I will seem like a proper reject.
Going to lie on the bed and watch stargate.
I normally keep these things on private - parlty because I don't want to come across like a selfish whiner who nit-picks about every aspect of her life. I know I have most things good, but they are not how I want them and I don't always feel good in myself. Also - please don't think I am writing this for attention - it's not the sort of attention I'd want anyhow, so that really isn't my reason. I gues I just want it on paper and out of my head - and hopefully once it's done i will read it back and realise that things aren't so bad as they seem.
Mum
She's been driving me nuts recently. She comments all the time about my weight or dress size. I'm really sensitive about this - especially at the moment because I really am trying to lose weight and do something about my fat ass. She tried to give me some of her clothes the other day because they were 'faaaaar to large' for her - like size 14 = hippo or something. Today, when I brought home a shirt I'd bought she made a big fuss because it was a size 12, that I had bought the wrong size and it would look tight, when she hasn't even seen it on me. Then, she laughed at me because even if it fits, she finds it hilarious that I am losing weight off my boobs when I am trying to lose it off my legs/bum. I just don't get why she won't drop it. I know she has never been one to respect my space (or anyone else's for that matter) but when I am repeating over and over again that I don't want to talk about my diet/exercise/dress size and she just carries on regardless, I begin to wonder if she even cares how it makes me feel.
Diet/Exercise
This had been going well - I lost the first half stone pretty easily (I'm aiming for 2 stone loss total) - but I have hit a plateau - I haven't lost any weight for 4 weeks and if I so much as look at anything not on my diet list, I put a pound back on. So the food thing is a misery at the moment. As I have said above - I seem to be losing weight from all the places I don't aim to - like my boobs - which is just odd considering the bulk of my exercise is focussed on the legs. I know I haven't built up to the level of exercise i'd llike yet - but what I am doing is way more than I used to - so I thought this would have a little more impact than it seems to be - especially combined with the healthy eating - I haven't had a take-away or dined out for weeks, whereas I used to do so on a weekly to twice weekly basis. I know weight can take a long time to shift and I am determined to stick this out and lose the other stone and a half, but it sure is hard work.
Social
I'm lonely. As much as I try to just get on with things and not let it bother me - it does. I have just paused at my keyboard for about 10 minutes and stared at the screen wondering how to address this topic - half of me wants to pour out what I'm thinking and half of me can't bear to.
I'm sick of being single - I want someone to care about me and love me and not to feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life alone. Someone who calls because they are thinking about me, all that romantic stuff.
I know I sound lame - but it's how I feel and I don't know how to begin making myself feel better. As I said in a previous entry a while ago - my self-worth gets so hinged on other people's opinions of me sometimes I can't even find a way to start feeling confident. I'm going around in circles with this one - and it has to stop but I don't know where to begin ensuring that happens.
Work
I don't even think I have the energy to go into this one right now. Needless to say though, it's not the job, it's the people. However if I write much more I am in danger of sounding like I don't get on with anyone, and I will seem like a proper reject.
Going to lie on the bed and watch stargate.