the entry.
i realized today that high school is really over.
i've waited for it to be done and now it is.
these past four years have been the most monumental in my short life.
i took them for granted.
i took the people that have always been there for granted.
i realized today how much i will miss them.
i don't know where my life is going or where it will go.
i'm content with that.
i just don't want to go at this alone.
i still need them to be there.
maybe that is too much to ask when we're all going our separate ways.
so much has changed since the beginning.
even this year has proved to be life changing for me.
he was life changing.
five months and i can't even recognize who i used to be.
the car wreck.
the drugs.
the partying.
the nights of regret.
the emotional agony.
mistakes.
all of the things that have happened seem like they were years ago.
i learned so much from all of these experiences.
they've been a part in making me who i am.
i'm finally happy.
through all the constant drama, i'm really happy.
i no longer spend my days searching for a defined sense of self.
i know who i am.
there are still so many things to work on in my life.
in time, they will work themselves out.
i feel like god really has a purpose for me somewhere.
maybe that is why he saved me from all of my youthful mistakes.
that thought alone keeps me living.
i couldn't have gone through this without the people who were there with me on the journey.
we learned together while we shared different experiences.
those people will always mean the world to me.
thank you guys for always being there.
mattie - you know too much about me yet you don't judge me. you listen and tell me when i'm being a moron and let me make my own mistakes. you know my faults as well as i do and you don't hold them against me. you were always there to bum a ride home from me and then give me some sense of encouragement to get through whatever situation i somehow found myself in. you reminded me that i'm still strong and regardless of where my life takes me, i will be strong. i'm so grateful to you for reminding me of that. i know that you'll do great things even though you feel lost right now. you and mindy will get through lifes obstacles together. don't worry too much about where you will end up. make sure that you really live along the way. you've been such a great friend, mattie. thank you so much for that.
alan - you've changed as much as i have this year. it may have been a little shakey at first, but i think that you came out of it beautifully. you taught me so much about not stopping to wallow in my mistakes but just to move on and better myself. sometimes, you just told me to stop being a moron and move on. through it all, i knew you were always going to be there to listen to me bitch and try to figure things out. you helped me figure a lot of it out and i hope you'll still be there when i need you. in return, i will be here whenever you need me. i love you so much, alan. i really do. you have become such an amazing person and i hope that you never forget the things we've talked about. in my mind, they're things we'll need to be reminded of later on.
jimmy - you were my escape from reality. thank you for never reminding me of what i was going through when we would "hang". you were there at the perfect time. you are one of my favorite people to be around. i never have to watch what i say and we can have fun doing absolutely nothing. anyone else would die before they spent four hours on a curb with me. not you. we made it exhillerating. i see so many qualities in you that i only wish i could have. i hope one day you find what you're looking for and i have no doubt that you will. everything takes time.
jean - we went our separate ways this year towards the end but i think we're still cool. you have been the most instrumental person in my life this year. you taught me how to love life and all of the shit that comes with it. i needed to learn that or suicide would have soon followed. i love that you let me do whatever but still care about my decisions in the process. i love how we've shared the past year together and not fought once. i love how you don't lie to yourself or let me lie to myself. mostly though, i love how you've been such a good friend. you've always been there without question. we always found time for eachother. i love you more than anything and i can't express how thankful i am that i had to drink that bottle of herbal clean at your dorm last year. the cran-apple syrup turned out to be a good thing. i love you woman. as we find ourselves in different places in our lives, i hope you can reflect and remember "whatever! i'll stick my face in his balls!"
adrian - you reminded me how to love someone again. you made me take down the defenses and i always hated you for it. now, i don't mind so much. you've helped me become content with who i am. you never asked me to be someone else(especially a scene kid). you wouldn't let me get my way all of the time. hence, the fights. it was worth it. i've changed throughout all of it. words can't express how much you've meant to me. i don't know where we'll end up or with who but i just hope that you're happy. i want nothing more than for you to be happy where ever you end up. i hope that someday you will see in yourself what i see in you. you'll always be my little bear and the guy who asked me if i wear a retainer. i'll always be here if you need me and i hope you take advantage of that.
high school sucked but was good at the same time.
i learned.
i loved.
i made stupid decisions.
i grew up.
it's over.
i'm better.
i've waited for it to be done and now it is.
these past four years have been the most monumental in my short life.
i took them for granted.
i took the people that have always been there for granted.
i realized today how much i will miss them.
i don't know where my life is going or where it will go.
i'm content with that.
i just don't want to go at this alone.
i still need them to be there.
maybe that is too much to ask when we're all going our separate ways.
so much has changed since the beginning.
even this year has proved to be life changing for me.
he was life changing.
five months and i can't even recognize who i used to be.
the car wreck.
the drugs.
the partying.
the nights of regret.
the emotional agony.
mistakes.
all of the things that have happened seem like they were years ago.
i learned so much from all of these experiences.
they've been a part in making me who i am.
i'm finally happy.
through all the constant drama, i'm really happy.
i no longer spend my days searching for a defined sense of self.
i know who i am.
there are still so many things to work on in my life.
in time, they will work themselves out.
i feel like god really has a purpose for me somewhere.
maybe that is why he saved me from all of my youthful mistakes.
that thought alone keeps me living.
i couldn't have gone through this without the people who were there with me on the journey.
we learned together while we shared different experiences.
those people will always mean the world to me.
thank you guys for always being there.
mattie - you know too much about me yet you don't judge me. you listen and tell me when i'm being a moron and let me make my own mistakes. you know my faults as well as i do and you don't hold them against me. you were always there to bum a ride home from me and then give me some sense of encouragement to get through whatever situation i somehow found myself in. you reminded me that i'm still strong and regardless of where my life takes me, i will be strong. i'm so grateful to you for reminding me of that. i know that you'll do great things even though you feel lost right now. you and mindy will get through lifes obstacles together. don't worry too much about where you will end up. make sure that you really live along the way. you've been such a great friend, mattie. thank you so much for that.
alan - you've changed as much as i have this year. it may have been a little shakey at first, but i think that you came out of it beautifully. you taught me so much about not stopping to wallow in my mistakes but just to move on and better myself. sometimes, you just told me to stop being a moron and move on. through it all, i knew you were always going to be there to listen to me bitch and try to figure things out. you helped me figure a lot of it out and i hope you'll still be there when i need you. in return, i will be here whenever you need me. i love you so much, alan. i really do. you have become such an amazing person and i hope that you never forget the things we've talked about. in my mind, they're things we'll need to be reminded of later on.
jimmy - you were my escape from reality. thank you for never reminding me of what i was going through when we would "hang". you were there at the perfect time. you are one of my favorite people to be around. i never have to watch what i say and we can have fun doing absolutely nothing. anyone else would die before they spent four hours on a curb with me. not you. we made it exhillerating. i see so many qualities in you that i only wish i could have. i hope one day you find what you're looking for and i have no doubt that you will. everything takes time.
jean - we went our separate ways this year towards the end but i think we're still cool. you have been the most instrumental person in my life this year. you taught me how to love life and all of the shit that comes with it. i needed to learn that or suicide would have soon followed. i love that you let me do whatever but still care about my decisions in the process. i love how we've shared the past year together and not fought once. i love how you don't lie to yourself or let me lie to myself. mostly though, i love how you've been such a good friend. you've always been there without question. we always found time for eachother. i love you more than anything and i can't express how thankful i am that i had to drink that bottle of herbal clean at your dorm last year. the cran-apple syrup turned out to be a good thing. i love you woman. as we find ourselves in different places in our lives, i hope you can reflect and remember "whatever! i'll stick my face in his balls!"
adrian - you reminded me how to love someone again. you made me take down the defenses and i always hated you for it. now, i don't mind so much. you've helped me become content with who i am. you never asked me to be someone else(especially a scene kid). you wouldn't let me get my way all of the time. hence, the fights. it was worth it. i've changed throughout all of it. words can't express how much you've meant to me. i don't know where we'll end up or with who but i just hope that you're happy. i want nothing more than for you to be happy where ever you end up. i hope that someday you will see in yourself what i see in you. you'll always be my little bear and the guy who asked me if i wear a retainer. i'll always be here if you need me and i hope you take advantage of that.
high school sucked but was good at the same time.
i learned.
i loved.
i made stupid decisions.
i grew up.
it's over.
i'm better.