Hmmmmmmmm.
After landing at Heathrow I turned on my phone and got a text from my friend, telling me she is now engaged. I was really happy for her. Tonight we were supposed to be going to a pub quiz. I texted her on Tuesday asking her if she wanted to come. She said yes. Hadn't heard anything from her today, saying about times we were meeting so I texted her to see if it was still on. She replied saying that she'd completely forgotten and could we meet up next week (when she'll probably have forgotten again) and to put 23rd August in my diary, meaning thats the day shes getting married.
I should be really happy for her but I'm not. Its the weekend of Leeds Festival. She knew I was going. She knows when it is. I feel bad for trying to think up excuses as why I can't go to her wedding because "I'm at Leeds Fest" won't go down well. I'm hoping its in Leeds so I can bugger off back to the festival after a bit. I don't know if shes having bridesmaids all I know is that I've not been asked to be one.
I realise I am very selfish and its only a festival but I don't think I can face a wedding. I've got visions of my the Summerball all over again. Where all my friends were there with their boyfriends and I was there on my own. They were all into their boyfriends all night, so I kept on wandering off. They'd keep on coming back to find me, drag me back over to our table, before going back into their boyfriends and making me feel like a massive invisible gooseberry. They weren't interested in dancing, they weren't interested in having a good chat, they weren't interested in anything other than their boyfriends.
All my friends are settling down, getting married/engaged/got kids. I'm still young, free and single, not ready to grow up, not ready to settle down. However, being at a wedding, my friends wedding somehow brings it all home that I am the only single person out of my friends. Out of my old school friends, out of my uni friends. It makes me feel left out yet again. Especially when we're on a girlie night out and they talk about things they've done/doing with their boyfriends intimate and not intimate. Obviously I can't join in the conversation very well and then they comment that I'm being very quiet. What am I supposed to say? "Me and my non-existant boyfriend are not going on holiday together this year, mainly because he doesn't exist." The last time I was majorly left out, my group of friends changed. I hate the awkward "so why are you single?" questions, the "Is there anyone you fancy?" questions. Then the "ooooooooo lets set you up with someone." conversation. Please. God. No.
I just don't want it rubbed in my face that I'm single. Or feeling left out, like I'm not good enough anymore because I'm not with anyone. Going to my friend's wedding is going to make me feel like that.
I should be really happy for her but I'm not. Its the weekend of Leeds Festival. She knew I was going. She knows when it is. I feel bad for trying to think up excuses as why I can't go to her wedding because "I'm at Leeds Fest" won't go down well. I'm hoping its in Leeds so I can bugger off back to the festival after a bit. I don't know if shes having bridesmaids all I know is that I've not been asked to be one.
I realise I am very selfish and its only a festival but I don't think I can face a wedding. I've got visions of my the Summerball all over again. Where all my friends were there with their boyfriends and I was there on my own. They were all into their boyfriends all night, so I kept on wandering off. They'd keep on coming back to find me, drag me back over to our table, before going back into their boyfriends and making me feel like a massive invisible gooseberry. They weren't interested in dancing, they weren't interested in having a good chat, they weren't interested in anything other than their boyfriends.
All my friends are settling down, getting married/engaged/got kids. I'm still young, free and single, not ready to grow up, not ready to settle down. However, being at a wedding, my friends wedding somehow brings it all home that I am the only single person out of my friends. Out of my old school friends, out of my uni friends. It makes me feel left out yet again. Especially when we're on a girlie night out and they talk about things they've done/doing with their boyfriends intimate and not intimate. Obviously I can't join in the conversation very well and then they comment that I'm being very quiet. What am I supposed to say? "Me and my non-existant boyfriend are not going on holiday together this year, mainly because he doesn't exist." The last time I was majorly left out, my group of friends changed. I hate the awkward "so why are you single?" questions, the "Is there anyone you fancy?" questions. Then the "ooooooooo lets set you up with someone." conversation. Please. God. No.
I just don't want it rubbed in my face that I'm single. Or feeling left out, like I'm not good enough anymore because I'm not with anyone. Going to my friend's wedding is going to make me feel like that.