*sigh*
Once again we are given the opportunity to get out of this tin oven we live in and yet again Chuck has squashed it. We were approved for a new mortgage to be able to put our new house in yesterday. The monthly payment is pretty high, but it includes annual property taxes and quarterly home owners insurance. Yeah - I'd have to get a full time job. Yeah, we'd struggle for a little while. We did 5 years ago when we went from renting to where we're at now. He doesn't remember that though. He makes me feel like I'm being selfish and that I expect him to bear the burden of the high payment. I'm not and I don't. I want to have some sense of permanency here. As long as we live in this tin shoe box, I don't have it. He says "Let's look for another house. I'll even sacrifice and live in town instead of in the country." NO! I'm not moving. FINALLY I've come to adore our land and I feel that if we move there will always be a longing to be back here. This is my very special place and I'm not going to leave. I'm so sick of "yeah, let's try to do our house", "no, let's see if we can find an already existing place", "hmmm... I think I wanna build again". WTF?! Once again we've been given an opprtunity and he rips it away. Last night everything he said to me to try to calm me down he said last year and the year before. The more he spoke the more fuel was feeding my rage. I've had enough. He is unwilling to take a risk. He has made me do all the legwork for this project. All of my energy has gone into positive thoughts and staying open minded. All the hoping came from me. He's just as happy to have hundreds of extra dollars a month and live in this box. I'm not. When the kids get a bit older neither will they. I'm the selfish one, though. HE'S the one that holds us back - every fucking time but I'M the selfish one.