college ruins lives
It's been awhile.
I feel so lost. like cliche as it sounds, i have no clue who the fuck i am anymore. i am totally that girl that changes depending on who she is now....but I don't feel like I LIKE any of them. It isn't even that none of them are "me," its that I don't like myself. In school, I'm someone depending on the class, depending on the people, even who is in my car at lunch time. Then, the me that I am with my parents, with my whole family, in public, etc. And yes, I know that I probably shouldn't be the exact same in all of these situations, but I feel like these personalities are vastly different, to the point that they contradict each other. Yet, I continue living these lies. I guess it's especially hard because two years ago, I was secure, I knew so much more about myself than I do now.
So what makes this all so urgent right now? Well with Thanksgiving comes the return of my friends from their respective colleges and I was elated just to have people happy to see me, phone calls and text messages with requests to hang out, and conversations about life. Not college, not high school, but life.
And then again, maybe I'm just in search of the girl that can have someone to keep her bed warm at night, because that is truly what made me smile the past few days.
I feel so lost. like cliche as it sounds, i have no clue who the fuck i am anymore. i am totally that girl that changes depending on who she is now....but I don't feel like I LIKE any of them. It isn't even that none of them are "me," its that I don't like myself. In school, I'm someone depending on the class, depending on the people, even who is in my car at lunch time. Then, the me that I am with my parents, with my whole family, in public, etc. And yes, I know that I probably shouldn't be the exact same in all of these situations, but I feel like these personalities are vastly different, to the point that they contradict each other. Yet, I continue living these lies. I guess it's especially hard because two years ago, I was secure, I knew so much more about myself than I do now.
So what makes this all so urgent right now? Well with Thanksgiving comes the return of my friends from their respective colleges and I was elated just to have people happy to see me, phone calls and text messages with requests to hang out, and conversations about life. Not college, not high school, but life.
And then again, maybe I'm just in search of the girl that can have someone to keep her bed warm at night, because that is truly what made me smile the past few days.