And here we go again......
So I'm new to livejournal but not really to blogging. I do have a myspace that I tend to blog on but there are things that I can't really go into on there due to people on my friends list.
This journal will be mainly a place for me to vent.
I know that I help create the crap that goes on in my life but for some reason it keeps going on. I have tried and tried to get it to end one way or another. All I keep getting is more BS from him. Who am I talking about? My most recent ex. We split about 6 months ago and it has been constant drama ever since. Have I helped create it? Yes and so has he. For reasons unknown to me he refuses to let me go (even though he found someone new pretty quick) and I keep letting him suck me back into it all. I listen to his lies knowing they are lies. I know that this is far from a "healthy" relationship. We were only officially together for about 7 months but were really together for 2 years. I have tried and tried to put an end on/to it but am having trouble with that. I know that he is not the greatest guy. He really has some faults. But he is my son's father. And that I know is what keeps me tied to him.
This was our 2nd go around, the first time being when I was much younger but I think in some ways more smarter. I got pregnant the first go around. My son is now 13 so I only really have a few more years of really dealing with the ex. But I wonder will it be like this the whole time? Will either one of us really truly let go of the other. I know that I no longer love him. I loved the person that he projected himself to be. But I still find myself drawn to him. I am just soo tired of all the games and drama and lies. When and how will it ever end? We are like two magnets who are constantly drawn to each other no matter the negativity. It has taken me months and a lot of tears and hurting myself to get through the pain of the hurt that I felt when we split. I reverted back to a type of behavior that I thought I had outgrown. I started cutting myself again after more than 15 years. Why? I don't deal well with emotions, especially painful ones. He is the first person I have ever truly let myself be myself with. He made me feel good about who I was not who I was pretending to be. He is the first that I have every truly opened myself up to. To let my guard down. And when we split up I didn't know how to survive or how I was going to. But I have.
I know there is going to come to a point in time where we are either going to have to say the hell with it and either get back together officially, meaning I move back in and we get married, or let each other go for good. And I really hope that the day for that gets here quick. And I know that it will be me having to stay strong and say no get lost, I don't want you any more. And to stick with it. Otherwise he will always be right there on the edge of my life trying his best to make my life hell.
This journal will be mainly a place for me to vent.
I know that I help create the crap that goes on in my life but for some reason it keeps going on. I have tried and tried to get it to end one way or another. All I keep getting is more BS from him. Who am I talking about? My most recent ex. We split about 6 months ago and it has been constant drama ever since. Have I helped create it? Yes and so has he. For reasons unknown to me he refuses to let me go (even though he found someone new pretty quick) and I keep letting him suck me back into it all. I listen to his lies knowing they are lies. I know that this is far from a "healthy" relationship. We were only officially together for about 7 months but were really together for 2 years. I have tried and tried to put an end on/to it but am having trouble with that. I know that he is not the greatest guy. He really has some faults. But he is my son's father. And that I know is what keeps me tied to him.
This was our 2nd go around, the first time being when I was much younger but I think in some ways more smarter. I got pregnant the first go around. My son is now 13 so I only really have a few more years of really dealing with the ex. But I wonder will it be like this the whole time? Will either one of us really truly let go of the other. I know that I no longer love him. I loved the person that he projected himself to be. But I still find myself drawn to him. I am just soo tired of all the games and drama and lies. When and how will it ever end? We are like two magnets who are constantly drawn to each other no matter the negativity. It has taken me months and a lot of tears and hurting myself to get through the pain of the hurt that I felt when we split. I reverted back to a type of behavior that I thought I had outgrown. I started cutting myself again after more than 15 years. Why? I don't deal well with emotions, especially painful ones. He is the first person I have ever truly let myself be myself with. He made me feel good about who I was not who I was pretending to be. He is the first that I have every truly opened myself up to. To let my guard down. And when we split up I didn't know how to survive or how I was going to. But I have.
I know there is going to come to a point in time where we are either going to have to say the hell with it and either get back together officially, meaning I move back in and we get married, or let each other go for good. And I really hope that the day for that gets here quick. And I know that it will be me having to stay strong and say no get lost, I don't want you any more. And to stick with it. Otherwise he will always be right there on the edge of my life trying his best to make my life hell.