craziness and cooking
great convo with nieceytee last night. she is taking a particularly diabolical pleasure in watching me squirm inside of my irrepressible, uncontrollable love of clyde. she sees me as this kind of love'em-and-leave'em character who uses lovers like toilet paper (leave it to an ex to shoot straight from the hip). i called her to find out if i was losing my mind (as she's the craziest person i know i figured she'd have an insight). i described my symptoms: fixated thought patterns, queasiness in my stomach and bowels that is only mitigated by clyde's presence, delusions of grandeur propelled by clyde's adoration, inability to just walk away, etc. she said i was just losing it cause i'm not in control of this thing, which is suprisingly accurate. that's why i feel like i want to throw up. it's cause i'm on the rollercoaster and i have no control over how gravity affects my belly. she also said that i was resisting being vulnerable. when the hell did Crazy T get to be so wise. hmmph. i'm glad she doesn't hate me anymore cause she's got great things to say.
and not only that but she's gonna gently help me learn to cook. i swore her to the strictest confidence about it but now that i'm blogging about it i guess all bets are off. i've got some serious baggage about cooking. like just thinking about it makes me want to cry and run screaming from the room. it's one of those things that makes me feel stupid and and worthless in some deep way that's hard to describe. i hate it about myself but i act like it's no big deal. and i hate people telling me that i should just learn to cook or buy a book like it's that easy. i swear to gawd i go into the grocery store and have near panic attacks when i try to shop for anything other than ready made meals and fruit i can eat on the go. you think i'm lying but i'm so not. i feel like an idiot so i just avoid it and spend an ungodly amount of money on food that other people prepare. i'm resigned and cynical about it and i've been COMPLETELY unwilling to transform it. but now i have something at stake. i wanna be able to cook for clyde. it's a running joke in our relationship that he has to eat before he comes to my house. on our first real date i made him a TV dinner. i told T that and she nearly choked. well now i want to show him that i love him. talk is cheap but if i made dinner once in a while i think it would speak volumes cause he knows how i feel about cooking. so lessons start next week and i think i'mma create a no comment cooking chronicles filter so i can bitch and cry and mark my progress.
love,
me
and not only that but she's gonna gently help me learn to cook. i swore her to the strictest confidence about it but now that i'm blogging about it i guess all bets are off. i've got some serious baggage about cooking. like just thinking about it makes me want to cry and run screaming from the room. it's one of those things that makes me feel stupid and and worthless in some deep way that's hard to describe. i hate it about myself but i act like it's no big deal. and i hate people telling me that i should just learn to cook or buy a book like it's that easy. i swear to gawd i go into the grocery store and have near panic attacks when i try to shop for anything other than ready made meals and fruit i can eat on the go. you think i'm lying but i'm so not. i feel like an idiot so i just avoid it and spend an ungodly amount of money on food that other people prepare. i'm resigned and cynical about it and i've been COMPLETELY unwilling to transform it. but now i have something at stake. i wanna be able to cook for clyde. it's a running joke in our relationship that he has to eat before he comes to my house. on our first real date i made him a TV dinner. i told T that and she nearly choked. well now i want to show him that i love him. talk is cheap but if i made dinner once in a while i think it would speak volumes cause he knows how i feel about cooking. so lessons start next week and i think i'mma create a no comment cooking chronicles filter so i can bitch and cry and mark my progress.
love,
me