Regret
its amazing how when you need to talk to someone the most, noone is there. i guess i blame it on my getting off work late. i guess i get to talk to this thing, even though not too many people look at it, lol. its pretty weird, im going to try celebrating this whole christmas thing this year...idk. hopefully ill get to spend that time with crystal and her family...if life doesnt become a serious bitch, which it seems like it will in the upcoming months. ive never realized how on edge i can get until these past few months. i dont really know how to update; how to go around what i want to really talk about without necessarily saying it. ive always had that problem in the journal then i explode, hah. im trying to work with that i guess. so work and school have been successfull with getting my mind off of most of the things i think about only an incling of what i used to think about all the time. school isnt as hecktic as i thought it would be but then again its only been one week. my job is starting to become a bore but i guess thats what you have to expect from a job. its not crazy happy teriffic fun time...i love that quote. i wonder if my updates lack emotion, sometimes it seems that they do...i dunno.
have you ever had something happen to you..or you see something that just gives you a chill to your body because you never thought that thing would happen to you or whoever? like...it happens and for a split second you deny it and then it sets in and you get this chill....makes you want to ...have that feeling where you just dont want to think. ive often thought about drinking heavily enough to where i didnt have to think, where i could be so low and do so much that there was no turning back. ive had thoughts of getting a large tattoo on my shoulder down to the middle of my back. ive also thought about taking up smoking. it doesnt help that i enjoy second hand smoking oh so much. you start to think of "everyones doing it" and such... i dunno. ive thought about these things and then i think if any of them are worthwhile...if i should actually go through with any of them. it seems adventagous for some. i actually have thought about the tattoo thing for a little while and im still thinking. as for the drinking i dont necessarily have access to alcoholic beverages so i have to hold off on that one. it does seem nice though.
lately at work ive had to always close with new people, who by the way are really annoying. seriously some people just rub me the wrong way. this guy takes 2 extra hours to do what the normal people do in like 15 minutes...and i end up having to do all my work and help him with his. the fun guy at my job has left to work another place so now its really mundane and boring. i only get to close with the chick who bitches a lot, the new guy, or the store manager. all of those are seriously ...stupid, lol. i might get written up if i dont start collecting late fees from people, even though i excell at sells because people come back most of the time.
i want to drive away, i still do, yes. i want to drive and see the orange and blue horizon for hours. i want to listen to soothing music as i drive to nowhere for nothing. i feel like im searching for something that doesnt exsist, or its just impossible to find it. maybe i already have it but i just dont know i have it.... that could be a possibility. these thoughts go through my dreams randomly and then i am awakened by the alarm clock or my mom. i enjoy escaping reality frequently.
my classes are pretty nice, as are my teachers. i have one teacher for two classes actually. she is pretty nice, but kind of stiff. my art teacher is void of laughter. my intro to computers teacher is...well hes old. thats about all i can say on that. college life isnt exactly what i thought it would be..it actually bores me. i see people that i barely used to talk to because the people i always used to talk to arent there anymore, and it goes on everyday. i hang out with brit which is totally awesome, and tammy sometimes. i just met my friend meaghans boyfriend and he has the coolest mustang ever, one i that i want one day. he is a pretty good guy too. ive realized that if im not at school or at work or doing homework i am sleep. i never really ...do anything. i did however go to see a movie spontaneously with melissa which was pretty cool.
what is it called when you think about being dead, but not the process of going through death (suicide)? is there such a term? ive found myself trying to see if i can imagine it. i have a feeling that that feeling and being totally intoxicated are nearly similar, i dont know why. maybe its just a hunch.
i often wonder why im doing the things that i do - go to school and work - and wonder if its a means to an end. i mean it doesnt feel like i will accomplsih anything. i dont really want to make a name for myself with my life, i just want to live it, but for some reason i dont like living it. something always irks me and it can be the smallest thing. i dont get headaches as much as i used to though, thank god. i can tolerate people much more now. i really wonder about these things and why i am living my life. i mean i know what goal i want to reach but i dont know why i want that goal. it doesnt seem like its going to make me the happiest i have ever been or anything. it just feels like something i could talk about in a conversation at a 20 year reunion or something. it doesnt seem like it has substance or anything, just like oh well. it doesnt seem like material things are gonna make me as happy as i thought they would. its kind of a slap in the face actually, lol. ive always thought of being a game designer and having a glamerous life....but then i think if i have all the things that i want will it just be some empty vessel that i live in and one day die in with nothing to show for it but gold, silver, and bronze statues of things i dont really care about?
i guess i am talking too much, and for that i apologize. its just this is the kind of mind i have. noone to talk to on aim and hours away from class.... i guess i will go until next time...
have you ever had something happen to you..or you see something that just gives you a chill to your body because you never thought that thing would happen to you or whoever? like...it happens and for a split second you deny it and then it sets in and you get this chill....makes you want to ...have that feeling where you just dont want to think. ive often thought about drinking heavily enough to where i didnt have to think, where i could be so low and do so much that there was no turning back. ive had thoughts of getting a large tattoo on my shoulder down to the middle of my back. ive also thought about taking up smoking. it doesnt help that i enjoy second hand smoking oh so much. you start to think of "everyones doing it" and such... i dunno. ive thought about these things and then i think if any of them are worthwhile...if i should actually go through with any of them. it seems adventagous for some. i actually have thought about the tattoo thing for a little while and im still thinking. as for the drinking i dont necessarily have access to alcoholic beverages so i have to hold off on that one. it does seem nice though.
lately at work ive had to always close with new people, who by the way are really annoying. seriously some people just rub me the wrong way. this guy takes 2 extra hours to do what the normal people do in like 15 minutes...and i end up having to do all my work and help him with his. the fun guy at my job has left to work another place so now its really mundane and boring. i only get to close with the chick who bitches a lot, the new guy, or the store manager. all of those are seriously ...stupid, lol. i might get written up if i dont start collecting late fees from people, even though i excell at sells because people come back most of the time.
i want to drive away, i still do, yes. i want to drive and see the orange and blue horizon for hours. i want to listen to soothing music as i drive to nowhere for nothing. i feel like im searching for something that doesnt exsist, or its just impossible to find it. maybe i already have it but i just dont know i have it.... that could be a possibility. these thoughts go through my dreams randomly and then i am awakened by the alarm clock or my mom. i enjoy escaping reality frequently.
my classes are pretty nice, as are my teachers. i have one teacher for two classes actually. she is pretty nice, but kind of stiff. my art teacher is void of laughter. my intro to computers teacher is...well hes old. thats about all i can say on that. college life isnt exactly what i thought it would be..it actually bores me. i see people that i barely used to talk to because the people i always used to talk to arent there anymore, and it goes on everyday. i hang out with brit which is totally awesome, and tammy sometimes. i just met my friend meaghans boyfriend and he has the coolest mustang ever, one i that i want one day. he is a pretty good guy too. ive realized that if im not at school or at work or doing homework i am sleep. i never really ...do anything. i did however go to see a movie spontaneously with melissa which was pretty cool.
what is it called when you think about being dead, but not the process of going through death (suicide)? is there such a term? ive found myself trying to see if i can imagine it. i have a feeling that that feeling and being totally intoxicated are nearly similar, i dont know why. maybe its just a hunch.
i often wonder why im doing the things that i do - go to school and work - and wonder if its a means to an end. i mean it doesnt feel like i will accomplsih anything. i dont really want to make a name for myself with my life, i just want to live it, but for some reason i dont like living it. something always irks me and it can be the smallest thing. i dont get headaches as much as i used to though, thank god. i can tolerate people much more now. i really wonder about these things and why i am living my life. i mean i know what goal i want to reach but i dont know why i want that goal. it doesnt seem like its going to make me the happiest i have ever been or anything. it just feels like something i could talk about in a conversation at a 20 year reunion or something. it doesnt seem like it has substance or anything, just like oh well. it doesnt seem like material things are gonna make me as happy as i thought they would. its kind of a slap in the face actually, lol. ive always thought of being a game designer and having a glamerous life....but then i think if i have all the things that i want will it just be some empty vessel that i live in and one day die in with nothing to show for it but gold, silver, and bronze statues of things i dont really care about?
i guess i am talking too much, and for that i apologize. its just this is the kind of mind i have. noone to talk to on aim and hours away from class.... i guess i will go until next time...