and I hope that you trust this heart behind my tired eyes.
What is trust? What does it mean to trust someone? Why is it so important to have?
At one time, I agreed that trust was a good relationship quality. Then, I modified my thinking to say that trust came in all different shapes and forms, and some types were needed for a good relationship. Lately, I think I've modified it again to say that there are a few different kinds of trust, and having certain levels of it is an absolute requirement for any relationship of mine.
Lately, it seems I've spent a lot of time thinking about trust, and so I decided to try and write about it.
In the past, I have tended to start out relationships (including friendships) by defaulting to a decently high level of trust (some people call that "guillible."). I try to take them at face value, accepting them for what they claim to be. My evaluation gets influenced from everything I observe from then on: watching how they treat friends, how they treat me, how they treat the waitress, and how they treat their parents. I watch them when they are happy and when they get angry, when I am happy and when I am upset. Do they listen, do they keep their word, do they understand other points of view, do they make others feel defensive? Do they trust me? Every small thing counts.
when trust breaks
I think I'm fairly easy-going. I don't usually get angry with people when they break their word, or act in a way that offends me, or make mistakes, even big ones. I can give forgiveness pretty easily when it is asked for. But the slate is not erased. My trust is damaged, perhaps only in a small, barely noticeable way. But it is there. But with every time the offense repeats, every small pinprick, every misunderstanding, I withdraw a small piece of myself. Forgive and remember.
With casual friendships, this can work out well. I adjust my actions and attitudes to deal with people rather than lose their friendship or cause a rift by placing blame. I can't trust a classmate to return my pencils? I stop lending them out. I can't trust a friend to control his temper? I walk away when I see him getting upset. I can't trust a zephyr class to have a serious conversations without it devolving into a flamewar that hurt me? I stopped contributing in a serious way.
Sometimes people realize they have hurt, and they want to fix it. A simple apology can do a lot to get a second chance. But an attempt, and eventually proof, at change is also necessary. I'd like to think that trust can be regained, although it may be a slow and occasionally frustrating process. Alas, with the default of starting so high, I tend to lose more than I gain.
In more intimate relationships, serious loss of trust can be detrimental. I lost trust that a friend would know me well enough to support me, so I concentrated on supporting myself. I lost trust that a lover would understand my needs, so I focused on fulfilling them myself. Those are the bigger cases. I think those are very hard to regain.
kinds of trust
What is the ultimate trust? Definitely not my life. Pah! I can think of tons of people I would trust with my life, in the right circumstance. I trust casual friends with my life on the rock climbing wall every week. I trusted my doctor with my life when she cut me open to take out my baby. I trusted a mostly strange person - someone I'd rarely met before - to pierce me, another one to surgically correct my eyes, another to fly me in an airplane, and more to drive around me every day and not kill me. Physical trust is easy for me to give.
Emotional trust is the hard one. When I give parts of myself to someone, I have to trust that they will take care of those parts; that they want them and are strong enough to handle them. If I take something from another, I have to know that I can be trusted with what they are giving. Trust is intense for me, almost erotic. "I trust you," spoken with the fullest extent of its inclusion, can be more intimate than "I love you." I trust my friends not to hurt me intentionally. I trust closer friends not to hurt me out of ignorance. I trust even closer friends not to hurt me by accident.
for me
I want to be trusted. Don't we all? More specifically, I want to be trusted at a level I earn. If I have not proven myself to be a good friend, I may actually be more suspicious of being given full trust right away. I think I expect to be held to similar standards that I hold to others. I want a fair chance to prove myself. And I want to prove that I can change, if need be.
I am honestly not sure how most people view me. I know some people who have declared their eternal mistrust for me, and some others who would trust me with their heart and mind. I think I have been able to keep a decent reputation for myself among most of my friends.
Who do you trust? How easily do you trust? Can real, honest, clean trust ever be truly regained, or will there always be some doubt?
At one time, I agreed that trust was a good relationship quality. Then, I modified my thinking to say that trust came in all different shapes and forms, and some types were needed for a good relationship. Lately, I think I've modified it again to say that there are a few different kinds of trust, and having certain levels of it is an absolute requirement for any relationship of mine.
Lately, it seems I've spent a lot of time thinking about trust, and so I decided to try and write about it.
In the past, I have tended to start out relationships (including friendships) by defaulting to a decently high level of trust (some people call that "guillible."). I try to take them at face value, accepting them for what they claim to be. My evaluation gets influenced from everything I observe from then on: watching how they treat friends, how they treat me, how they treat the waitress, and how they treat their parents. I watch them when they are happy and when they get angry, when I am happy and when I am upset. Do they listen, do they keep their word, do they understand other points of view, do they make others feel defensive? Do they trust me? Every small thing counts.
when trust breaks
I think I'm fairly easy-going. I don't usually get angry with people when they break their word, or act in a way that offends me, or make mistakes, even big ones. I can give forgiveness pretty easily when it is asked for. But the slate is not erased. My trust is damaged, perhaps only in a small, barely noticeable way. But it is there. But with every time the offense repeats, every small pinprick, every misunderstanding, I withdraw a small piece of myself. Forgive and remember.
With casual friendships, this can work out well. I adjust my actions and attitudes to deal with people rather than lose their friendship or cause a rift by placing blame. I can't trust a classmate to return my pencils? I stop lending them out. I can't trust a friend to control his temper? I walk away when I see him getting upset. I can't trust a zephyr class to have a serious conversations without it devolving into a flamewar that hurt me? I stopped contributing in a serious way.
Sometimes people realize they have hurt, and they want to fix it. A simple apology can do a lot to get a second chance. But an attempt, and eventually proof, at change is also necessary. I'd like to think that trust can be regained, although it may be a slow and occasionally frustrating process. Alas, with the default of starting so high, I tend to lose more than I gain.
In more intimate relationships, serious loss of trust can be detrimental. I lost trust that a friend would know me well enough to support me, so I concentrated on supporting myself. I lost trust that a lover would understand my needs, so I focused on fulfilling them myself. Those are the bigger cases. I think those are very hard to regain.
kinds of trust
What is the ultimate trust? Definitely not my life. Pah! I can think of tons of people I would trust with my life, in the right circumstance. I trust casual friends with my life on the rock climbing wall every week. I trusted my doctor with my life when she cut me open to take out my baby. I trusted a mostly strange person - someone I'd rarely met before - to pierce me, another one to surgically correct my eyes, another to fly me in an airplane, and more to drive around me every day and not kill me. Physical trust is easy for me to give.
Emotional trust is the hard one. When I give parts of myself to someone, I have to trust that they will take care of those parts; that they want them and are strong enough to handle them. If I take something from another, I have to know that I can be trusted with what they are giving. Trust is intense for me, almost erotic. "I trust you," spoken with the fullest extent of its inclusion, can be more intimate than "I love you." I trust my friends not to hurt me intentionally. I trust closer friends not to hurt me out of ignorance. I trust even closer friends not to hurt me by accident.
for me
I want to be trusted. Don't we all? More specifically, I want to be trusted at a level I earn. If I have not proven myself to be a good friend, I may actually be more suspicious of being given full trust right away. I think I expect to be held to similar standards that I hold to others. I want a fair chance to prove myself. And I want to prove that I can change, if need be.
I am honestly not sure how most people view me. I know some people who have declared their eternal mistrust for me, and some others who would trust me with their heart and mind. I think I have been able to keep a decent reputation for myself among most of my friends.
Who do you trust? How easily do you trust? Can real, honest, clean trust ever be truly regained, or will there always be some doubt?