all I wish is to be alone
Every so often a rash of articles come around focused on recognizing introverts and fetishizing them, because apparently nobody is as authentic, intense, thoughtful, or observant as today's pop-culture introvert. Here it comes again, I roll my eyes, tired of the enforced division of people into the caricatured polar ends of a continuum and the dozens of friends I otherwise respect, pumping up their introverted internet fists in agreement. Well of course you don't understand, they pat-pat at me. You're an extrovert. Guess what: I'm not.
Actually, I'm not an introvert, either, assuming people assign someone to "introvert" or "extrovert" based on which side generally dominates on the Jung or Myers-Briggs personality tests. I usually agree with around 70-80% of the points on the casual "are you an introvert" memes in the various unscientific internet articles, but in more official tests, I average fairly close to being evenly centered on the spectrum, not definitively on one side or the other. Individual results, of course, vary depending on the test and my mood that day. But seeing as a spectrum is how the E-I personality theory was meant to be considered, it annoys me that so many people seem to disregard that one actually exists (particularly when they are so respectful of other sometimes-controversial continuums), and that the majority of people are probably balanced somewhere on to the middle than the very ends.
Interestingly, I looked for "signs you are an extrovert" articles, but didn't actually find anything non-offensive or even vaguely accurate. Nearly every "counter" article about extroverts from an extrovert lashes back too hard at the introvert-fetish theme and becomes offensive towards them, while every article by an introvert falls into the old trap that assumes extroverts are flighty, superficial, always on, always needing action. I was vaguely hopeful that Actual Signs You're an Extrovert by an Introvert would take things seriously, but it has so many problems it's just sad. [1. There are extroverts with social anxiety. True story! 2. Some extroverts prefer to socialize in small groups. 3. Extroverts are people, which means they often have insecurities about themselves. 8. There are extroverts with sensory processing problems. 9. You think extroverts don't procrastinate? Hahaha. 11. Dude, there are extroverts with ADHD. 14. Hi, extroverts are human, too. ARGH.] Just today I came across The Introvert Fetish, which I think does a good job of noting the pretty big problems that all these memes have: they aren't promoting acceptance; they're just one more thing promoting distance.
The best positive article on extroverts that I could find is The Care and Feeding of Your Extrovert, which isn't really about "caring for" but instead is more "from the perspective of." It's a little too generalizing, but it seems to be based more on reality than many others.
Then there's the phrase "it's an extrovert's world!" which gets touted repeatedly and loudly, and may be true in many areas, but fails so hard because it uses several false correlations with introversion to try to prove the point. Shyness is not introversion. Not being able to multitask or handle interruptions is not introversion. Being outgoing is not extroversion. Introverts do not have a monopoly on social anxiety. Extroverts do not all want excessive physical contact and introverts don't all avoid it. Being able to speak well is a useful talent that some introverts and extroverts have. Some introverts like large parties and some extroverts prefer small groups, just not all the time. Snapping at friends because they don't think like you and inadvertently pushed you into a situation that you can't deal with is not an introvert problem; it's a self-care problem. Social networking is not the same as interaction. It's not an extrovert's world; it's a world full of people who feel that nobody else understands them, but desperately want to belong, so they quantify and classify others and tell everybody else that they're Doing it Wrong. You don't have to be an extrovert to be an asshole, nor an introvert to feel misunderstood.
Looking around at my social environment -- full of a ridiculously high percentage of INTP geeks and many people who actually are closer to the inner edge of the E-I spectrum, it's easy to see why I get tagged as an extrovert: I'm simply more extroverted than they are. Additionally, I don't have a lot of traits that are commonly associated with introversion (but are not actually the same as introversion; see above). I am not terribly shy. I don't have much social anxiety. I can make small talk or have conversations with strangers sometimes. I like people and am fairly outgoing. I can sometimes enjoy loud parties. And I make an effort to put myself in very social environments only when I'm in the mood to do so, and leave when I'm done, so that's when most people see me.
It's not simply a matter of "being energized by people" vs "being drained by people." There are SO MANY factors that go into, well, being a damn human being. For me, being around certain people makes me feel relaxed and happy, while being around others makes me pull back and close up. Reading a book destresses me, unless I have to pause in the middle of a particularly emotionally intense chapter. Public speaking shuts down my brain. Hard exercise starts it up again and levels out my emotions. Feeling incompetent makes me hate everything and everybody, while accomplishing difficult goals or being commended makes me want to go hug everyone. Confronting people (strangers or friends) damn near gives me a panic attack. Being responsible for someone stresses me, while helping people feel happier energizes me. Feeling angry makes me guarded and snippy, and feeling loving makes me more open and patient. Parenting exhausts me, while inspiring people drives me (yes, many of these things overlap). All of these daily things go into how I feel about interacting with other people at the moment.
I've spent most of the last two weeks being the only adult in the house - reminiscent of the state I moved into 9 years ago - and for several days I was the only person at all. And it's been pretty awesome. I read a bunch of books and wrote a lot. I ran regularly and cooked a whole lot of delicious foods and meals, for myself and for others. I made lists and took care of errands and chores, wrote emails I was dreading, did some cleaning I'd procrastinated on, paid bills, parented patiently and well, adjusted my schedule appropriately for kids and friends and plans and got work done at work. Oh, and I also socialized, had friends over for dinners, went out to dinners, went to several parties, went to a board game night where I didn't know anybody and biked and walked and yoga'd with people. Probably more social than I've been in the past 6 months put together.
How? I spent every day spending some evening time before bed by myself, sleeping on my own, walking up alone, not having to plan around anybody else's schedule in the first week, often having some quiet morning or afternoon time with nobody else in the house. It turns out that 7-10 hours of good, quiet, quality alone time each day (which includes but isn't exclusively sleeping) is about the level I needed to properly balance out the levels of high socialness that I also engaged in, and I was able to participate and regulate well. I love it when all my years of studying myself and therapy actually has clear effects like making life awesome. Now I need to apply this period of learning to other environments in my life.
Y'know, like every other human being out there.
Actually, I'm not an introvert, either, assuming people assign someone to "introvert" or "extrovert" based on which side generally dominates on the Jung or Myers-Briggs personality tests. I usually agree with around 70-80% of the points on the casual "are you an introvert" memes in the various unscientific internet articles, but in more official tests, I average fairly close to being evenly centered on the spectrum, not definitively on one side or the other. Individual results, of course, vary depending on the test and my mood that day. But seeing as a spectrum is how the E-I personality theory was meant to be considered, it annoys me that so many people seem to disregard that one actually exists (particularly when they are so respectful of other sometimes-controversial continuums), and that the majority of people are probably balanced somewhere on to the middle than the very ends.
Interestingly, I looked for "signs you are an extrovert" articles, but didn't actually find anything non-offensive or even vaguely accurate. Nearly every "counter" article about extroverts from an extrovert lashes back too hard at the introvert-fetish theme and becomes offensive towards them, while every article by an introvert falls into the old trap that assumes extroverts are flighty, superficial, always on, always needing action. I was vaguely hopeful that Actual Signs You're an Extrovert by an Introvert would take things seriously, but it has so many problems it's just sad. [1. There are extroverts with social anxiety. True story! 2. Some extroverts prefer to socialize in small groups. 3. Extroverts are people, which means they often have insecurities about themselves. 8. There are extroverts with sensory processing problems. 9. You think extroverts don't procrastinate? Hahaha. 11. Dude, there are extroverts with ADHD. 14. Hi, extroverts are human, too. ARGH.] Just today I came across The Introvert Fetish, which I think does a good job of noting the pretty big problems that all these memes have: they aren't promoting acceptance; they're just one more thing promoting distance.
The best positive article on extroverts that I could find is The Care and Feeding of Your Extrovert, which isn't really about "caring for" but instead is more "from the perspective of." It's a little too generalizing, but it seems to be based more on reality than many others.
Then there's the phrase "it's an extrovert's world!" which gets touted repeatedly and loudly, and may be true in many areas, but fails so hard because it uses several false correlations with introversion to try to prove the point. Shyness is not introversion. Not being able to multitask or handle interruptions is not introversion. Being outgoing is not extroversion. Introverts do not have a monopoly on social anxiety. Extroverts do not all want excessive physical contact and introverts don't all avoid it. Being able to speak well is a useful talent that some introverts and extroverts have. Some introverts like large parties and some extroverts prefer small groups, just not all the time. Snapping at friends because they don't think like you and inadvertently pushed you into a situation that you can't deal with is not an introvert problem; it's a self-care problem. Social networking is not the same as interaction. It's not an extrovert's world; it's a world full of people who feel that nobody else understands them, but desperately want to belong, so they quantify and classify others and tell everybody else that they're Doing it Wrong. You don't have to be an extrovert to be an asshole, nor an introvert to feel misunderstood.
Looking around at my social environment -- full of a ridiculously high percentage of INTP geeks and many people who actually are closer to the inner edge of the E-I spectrum, it's easy to see why I get tagged as an extrovert: I'm simply more extroverted than they are. Additionally, I don't have a lot of traits that are commonly associated with introversion (but are not actually the same as introversion; see above). I am not terribly shy. I don't have much social anxiety. I can make small talk or have conversations with strangers sometimes. I like people and am fairly outgoing. I can sometimes enjoy loud parties. And I make an effort to put myself in very social environments only when I'm in the mood to do so, and leave when I'm done, so that's when most people see me.
It's not simply a matter of "being energized by people" vs "being drained by people." There are SO MANY factors that go into, well, being a damn human being. For me, being around certain people makes me feel relaxed and happy, while being around others makes me pull back and close up. Reading a book destresses me, unless I have to pause in the middle of a particularly emotionally intense chapter. Public speaking shuts down my brain. Hard exercise starts it up again and levels out my emotions. Feeling incompetent makes me hate everything and everybody, while accomplishing difficult goals or being commended makes me want to go hug everyone. Confronting people (strangers or friends) damn near gives me a panic attack. Being responsible for someone stresses me, while helping people feel happier energizes me. Feeling angry makes me guarded and snippy, and feeling loving makes me more open and patient. Parenting exhausts me, while inspiring people drives me (yes, many of these things overlap). All of these daily things go into how I feel about interacting with other people at the moment.
I've spent most of the last two weeks being the only adult in the house - reminiscent of the state I moved into 9 years ago - and for several days I was the only person at all. And it's been pretty awesome. I read a bunch of books and wrote a lot. I ran regularly and cooked a whole lot of delicious foods and meals, for myself and for others. I made lists and took care of errands and chores, wrote emails I was dreading, did some cleaning I'd procrastinated on, paid bills, parented patiently and well, adjusted my schedule appropriately for kids and friends and plans and got work done at work. Oh, and I also socialized, had friends over for dinners, went out to dinners, went to several parties, went to a board game night where I didn't know anybody and biked and walked and yoga'd with people. Probably more social than I've been in the past 6 months put together.
How? I spent every day spending some evening time before bed by myself, sleeping on my own, walking up alone, not having to plan around anybody else's schedule in the first week, often having some quiet morning or afternoon time with nobody else in the house. It turns out that 7-10 hours of good, quiet, quality alone time each day (which includes but isn't exclusively sleeping) is about the level I needed to properly balance out the levels of high socialness that I also engaged in, and I was able to participate and regulate well. I love it when all my years of studying myself and therapy actually has clear effects like making life awesome. Now I need to apply this period of learning to other environments in my life.
Y'know, like every other human being out there.