Dr Strangedream or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Crab
I had the most random dream last night, I feel I need to share it.
So anyway, let me begin by admitting I have a tremendous fear of crabs. You know, creepy be-shelled sea-dwelling arse-pinching bastards. I won't even go near a crabstick, even though I know they're officially not allowed to be called "crabsticks" anymore within the EU, as they, well, don't really contain any crab. But anyway. Can't say I'm keen on lobsters or shrimps either. Hell, crustaceans freak me out.
In the dream I really, really wanted another pet, so I went to a pet shop to pick one out. There I fell in love with a Japanese Spider Crab, so I bought him and called him Ralph (don't laugh). Well, Ralph was a cunning little bastard, despite having a, uh, pincher span of some four metres, and liked escaping out of his aquarium and scuttle around. I got really sick of this eventually and finally came to the conclusion maybe it'd be better if I gave him to an Aquarium or Zoo. I'd failed at giant crab parenting. I was devastated.
A while later I went over to visit Ralph the Crab and see how he was doing. Turned out he'd been put in the "Special Animals" section, which didn't really surprise me, what with him being the largest species of his kind. So then, surprise in store. He'd actually turned into some sort of crab centaur, and was now half man half crab. It was a very touching experience, lots of hugs and "Oooh look at mummy's little boy" and joy all around. We played fetch, or rather "Catch the Slab of Meat I'm Throwing at You" and had a gay old time, proper tear-jerker style.
The End.