(no subject)
i dont know what to feel about too many things right now.
school certainly isnt starting how i thought it would at the beginning of last semester. but im also not trying to make a change. maybe cause im not being motivated. i guess its the chicken or egg debate.
recently someone explained to me that on a sexual/relationship/romantic level alot of people view me as unobtainable. apparently people view me as this sexual force that theyre scared to take on or approach. and i dont know if that is a compliment, an avoidance of the fact that im not attractive enough to be approached, or a realization of me being a crude asshole to everyone. i think alot of people, maybe even some who are very close to me, have a horrible misconception of who i am. i realize that i shade the areas seperating my sarcasm and who i really am too much now.
things are developing in other areas of my life that make me feel like a child. those feelings are a love hate reaction right now and i dont know how to deal with them. i hate feeling vulnerable or uncertain.
i realize i have a fairly great life and i do too much complaining and feeling sorry over stupid things. tons of people would love to have what i do. and thats not an ego boost. i was talking with a guy at work who just so happenes to be a minority and he was telling me everything his family is going through and what they have to deal with on a day to day basis and i really dont think i could handle it. and even with everything they deal with, you see them, his family, together and you know they have nothing but love for each other. i hate that im probably never going to have that.
i realize i may not be as strong and invincible as i would like to think.
that scares me.
school certainly isnt starting how i thought it would at the beginning of last semester. but im also not trying to make a change. maybe cause im not being motivated. i guess its the chicken or egg debate.
recently someone explained to me that on a sexual/relationship/romantic level alot of people view me as unobtainable. apparently people view me as this sexual force that theyre scared to take on or approach. and i dont know if that is a compliment, an avoidance of the fact that im not attractive enough to be approached, or a realization of me being a crude asshole to everyone. i think alot of people, maybe even some who are very close to me, have a horrible misconception of who i am. i realize that i shade the areas seperating my sarcasm and who i really am too much now.
things are developing in other areas of my life that make me feel like a child. those feelings are a love hate reaction right now and i dont know how to deal with them. i hate feeling vulnerable or uncertain.
i realize i have a fairly great life and i do too much complaining and feeling sorry over stupid things. tons of people would love to have what i do. and thats not an ego boost. i was talking with a guy at work who just so happenes to be a minority and he was telling me everything his family is going through and what they have to deal with on a day to day basis and i really dont think i could handle it. and even with everything they deal with, you see them, his family, together and you know they have nothing but love for each other. i hate that im probably never going to have that.
i realize i may not be as strong and invincible as i would like to think.
that scares me.