Overload
For the first time in my life I have consciously reached capacity.
I've spread myself too thin many times. This time....I am of sound enough mind to acknowledge the fact. Rather than my typical response of explaining it away or blaming it on some incidental environmental life change that "wasn't my fault." It's all been my fault. I put myself in those precarious situtations
My current pursuit of a more rewarding degree is pushing the limits of my mental capacity. Here's why...
I am currently taking 15 credit hours in a major that I'm falling in love with and challenges me in an enjoyable way. I honestly feel I am gaining a wrinkle on the gray matter everyday now.
Not a big undertaking by itself. Now add in a part time job with increasingly demanding deadlines
I am the current secretary of FSU paintball. Not a big task either if one was content to sit back and document the unorganized bable of 5 college boys trying to find a way to not have to pay to play paintball. I can't do that though. I strive to do more in one semester than they have done in the past 5 years. I have the ability to do it...I just don't have the time to beat them into shape so I can feel comfortable putting my name on their actions and venture out promoting the club and soliciting contributions from the community. I've been paid to do this by other companies. I'm offering to do it for free. But no community member is going to want to support a bunch of drunkasses that only "take" from their environment. I don't expect a bunch of community service, I just need them to do what they say they are going to do, and stop using the excuse "we're in college people expect us to be this way". Yeah...uh...no. I can't stress to them enough that it pays to rise above the expectations put on you. Making money for the club would be so easy if they'd stop trying to be like everyone else. I've actually written my letter stepping down from my position. I just can't bring myself to turn my back on them. It stresses me too greatly to try to make them understand, when all they see me as trying to do is...make the club more "business-like."
AND
I work 40 hours a week. No big deal by itself. No big deal if one only strives to "pass" in her educational endevours or if one is only taking Art History classes.
Ahe problem lies in I am a relatively new employee in a position that was newly created. I am a guinea pig. A well paid guinea pig, but experimental none the less. Working in the medical field with no medical background requires constant learning. There will never be a time that I can go on autopilot and work a shift. There will always be a new term to learn or new way of processing some tidbit of patient information. Don't get me wrong I love what I do, it just stresses me to be in two learning environments at once.
AND
The relationship with my boyfriend has become increasingly estranged. I still love him, I'm just not satisfied with our relationship. Progress needs to happen when a relationship matures. Im not talking marriage, just growth in how much you know eachother. I don't feel that I know enough about him. However, I don't know what questions to ask to find out more. I'm worried that I know all that there is. I have found him to be an extremely creative, logical, and intelligent person. He lacks motivation to do stuff for himself. NO I don't mean he won't clean, or cook...He lacks the ability to put himself first at times. I watch him work 80+ hours a week for other people, while they pay him a 3rd of what he could be making if he'd just take the time to look for another job. Or take the time to finish his degree and make 5 times what he's making now. Since I've met him he has gained some weight, I offer for us to work out together. Something we can do together and better ourselves. His excuse is always the same. I've got this deadline or that deadline, we'll start next week. To busy....To busy to better himself. I've taken the stance that it is his life. I'm moving forward with mine. If our paths are running parallel in the future it will be great, if not.....well, I can't let someone hold me back. Im getting too old to compromise my goals for someone else. This is causing an abundance of stress.
I've taken harbor in an old friend, however it stresses me to rely on him. I'm not positive he feels comfortable in his shoes, due to our past and his own internal listlessness. He's going through some tough times as well, making the first few steps toward complete independence. The first step is always the most difficult, the rest just kinda happen.
I try to feel him out sometimes, but he's a tough one to read when trying to determining what external factors in his life are stressing him. He's one of a very few people I can say I genuinely give a shit about what he thinks and I feel in part responsible for making sure he's okay. Mostly because he is there for me when I need a wall to bounce thoughts off or need someone to help me chill.
I've decided to write this all down, to get it all out and see if the physiological stress will allow me to sleep at night. and I'm hoping that my recent diagnosis with Asthma will return to something less chronic if my life settles down again. The very thought of having a chronic disease stresses me. It's treatable, but I hate the thought of taking a pill everyday that makes me nervous and my headache. Do I really need pills to be able to breathe? My body is telling me I don't have the Right to breathe, just when my life has come together so well that I want to wake up in the morning and great the sun. irony.
I've spread myself too thin many times. This time....I am of sound enough mind to acknowledge the fact. Rather than my typical response of explaining it away or blaming it on some incidental environmental life change that "wasn't my fault." It's all been my fault. I put myself in those precarious situtations
My current pursuit of a more rewarding degree is pushing the limits of my mental capacity. Here's why...
I am currently taking 15 credit hours in a major that I'm falling in love with and challenges me in an enjoyable way. I honestly feel I am gaining a wrinkle on the gray matter everyday now.
Not a big undertaking by itself. Now add in a part time job with increasingly demanding deadlines
I am the current secretary of FSU paintball. Not a big task either if one was content to sit back and document the unorganized bable of 5 college boys trying to find a way to not have to pay to play paintball. I can't do that though. I strive to do more in one semester than they have done in the past 5 years. I have the ability to do it...I just don't have the time to beat them into shape so I can feel comfortable putting my name on their actions and venture out promoting the club and soliciting contributions from the community. I've been paid to do this by other companies. I'm offering to do it for free. But no community member is going to want to support a bunch of drunkasses that only "take" from their environment. I don't expect a bunch of community service, I just need them to do what they say they are going to do, and stop using the excuse "we're in college people expect us to be this way". Yeah...uh...no. I can't stress to them enough that it pays to rise above the expectations put on you. Making money for the club would be so easy if they'd stop trying to be like everyone else. I've actually written my letter stepping down from my position. I just can't bring myself to turn my back on them. It stresses me too greatly to try to make them understand, when all they see me as trying to do is...make the club more "business-like."
AND
I work 40 hours a week. No big deal by itself. No big deal if one only strives to "pass" in her educational endevours or if one is only taking Art History classes.
Ahe problem lies in I am a relatively new employee in a position that was newly created. I am a guinea pig. A well paid guinea pig, but experimental none the less. Working in the medical field with no medical background requires constant learning. There will never be a time that I can go on autopilot and work a shift. There will always be a new term to learn or new way of processing some tidbit of patient information. Don't get me wrong I love what I do, it just stresses me to be in two learning environments at once.
AND
The relationship with my boyfriend has become increasingly estranged. I still love him, I'm just not satisfied with our relationship. Progress needs to happen when a relationship matures. Im not talking marriage, just growth in how much you know eachother. I don't feel that I know enough about him. However, I don't know what questions to ask to find out more. I'm worried that I know all that there is. I have found him to be an extremely creative, logical, and intelligent person. He lacks motivation to do stuff for himself. NO I don't mean he won't clean, or cook...He lacks the ability to put himself first at times. I watch him work 80+ hours a week for other people, while they pay him a 3rd of what he could be making if he'd just take the time to look for another job. Or take the time to finish his degree and make 5 times what he's making now. Since I've met him he has gained some weight, I offer for us to work out together. Something we can do together and better ourselves. His excuse is always the same. I've got this deadline or that deadline, we'll start next week. To busy....To busy to better himself. I've taken the stance that it is his life. I'm moving forward with mine. If our paths are running parallel in the future it will be great, if not.....well, I can't let someone hold me back. Im getting too old to compromise my goals for someone else. This is causing an abundance of stress.
I've taken harbor in an old friend, however it stresses me to rely on him. I'm not positive he feels comfortable in his shoes, due to our past and his own internal listlessness. He's going through some tough times as well, making the first few steps toward complete independence. The first step is always the most difficult, the rest just kinda happen.
I try to feel him out sometimes, but he's a tough one to read when trying to determining what external factors in his life are stressing him. He's one of a very few people I can say I genuinely give a shit about what he thinks and I feel in part responsible for making sure he's okay. Mostly because he is there for me when I need a wall to bounce thoughts off or need someone to help me chill.
I've decided to write this all down, to get it all out and see if the physiological stress will allow me to sleep at night. and I'm hoping that my recent diagnosis with Asthma will return to something less chronic if my life settles down again. The very thought of having a chronic disease stresses me. It's treatable, but I hate the thought of taking a pill everyday that makes me nervous and my headache. Do I really need pills to be able to breathe? My body is telling me I don't have the Right to breathe, just when my life has come together so well that I want to wake up in the morning and great the sun. irony.