On The Eve Of My Mother's Surgery...
I figured now is as good a time as any to come back to lj. I started skulking about again a few days ago, trying to catch up on everyone. This is really the first time in a while I've felt like posting something other than a short reply. Its funny how now is the time I start coming out of that serious funk I was in. Maybe its because I know I'm needed and I gotta quit screwin' around now.
Now I know some of you have no idea what the fuck is going on right now, so let me back track a minute.
About 3 years ago Mom was rushed to the hospital where she had emergency surgery to remove a very large tumor that had twisted and obstructed her large intestine which, of course, is kinda not good. I didn't realize until later how serious that could have been. But I won't go into that except to say I feel extremely guilty now for my behavior then.
Anywho, fast forward 3 years and mom is having some problems, goes to the doctor (finally) goes to another doctor (finally) and is told, "Yup. You need to have a complete hysterectomy asap." She has a lot of fibrous cysts that aren't cancer yet, but if it had been left alone would more than likely turn into it.
She's going into surgery tomorrow at 9:30. It's a pretty routine procedure, but still...it's a major surgery, ya know? There is always that slight chance something could go wrong.
She'll go in, have surgery, stay a day or two for observation before the insurance company dumps her out of bed, and she'll come home. I'll have to help her these first few days especially. She's been told to lift nothing over the weight of a paper bag.
This leads me to my next update: I'm taking this semester off. Firstly, cause of Mom. I don't like the idea of her here by herself during recovery time. Also, its time for me to grow up. I'm weaning myself off of my parents financially so I've decided I'm gonna get a full time job somewhere, hopefully at Comcast (which would be really freakin' sweet cause they get comp'd internet and cable, meaning two major bills my 'rents wouldn't have to pay). I can save up some money to:
A. Pay off my car. and;
B. Save some cashola for tuition and not have to get a student loan.
And, honestly, I'd been feeling nothing but dread about this semester. There's really no one reason why. Actually there are a lot of little reasons, most of them dealing with my feeling guilty about something or other. But I'm starting to put a lot of things right again, I think. There are still a lot of other things I have guilt over. I feel like I've let some people down, closed off some doors. But, for the first time in ages, I feel like a great burden has been lifted off my chest.
This leads me to the latest development in my life: I've started seeing someone.
Exclusively.
Crys, I don't remember if I told you about Paul or not. But what I expected would be another case of, "Let's go out a few times then never see each other again" has turned into....much more.
I know, I know. You all have heard this before. And before I'm lambasted for another, "But this time its different!" I gotta tell you....this time, it really is different.
For one thing, I didn't think anything serious was going to come of it. After that last guy did a Houdini and vanished, I did an, "oh well, back into the fray." But I sent him a message on okcupid, not really sure if I was gonna get a reply. We ended up messaging back and forth a few times. Then we chatted on aim. So far, this is by the books. I was really enjoying chatting with him, but he hadn't asked to meet up with me yet.
Anywho, after I thought he'd given up interest and resigned me to "chat friend" place he gets around to asking me to a movie. So we decide on Transformers (awesome movie, btw). We met up at a coffee place first. I get there a few minutes early (pretty much the only time Paul has seen me anywhere close to being on time). My master plan was to sit there and be waiting while drinking my fantastic drink and reading a book and just look terribly hip. I was foiled by the two girls at the counter and their inability to make a Chai tea latte.
So I'm getting frazzled at this point because THE MASTER PLAN!!!!! is being held up and I happen to look at the line that had started forming behind me in this empty coffee shop while the two girls guesstimate how to make a chai latte. In it, I see this guy that looks vaguely like what I remember the few pictures of Paul I saw, only like 50 times cuter. This, of course, causes me to panic in my mind. The outside, icy-chill. I immediately start thinking, "Oh noes, he's going to take one look at me and run away." Actually, it was more like, "So we'll go in, see the movie, maybe chat a few minutes afterward and then he'll find some way to get the heck out of Dodge and we'll never see each other again." We get out of the movie, and he shocks the hell out of me by asking if I want to grab a bite to eat or something with him.
Over dinner, I absolutely cannot look at him. And I do that thing where I try to keep conversation up cause I hate awkward silences, only I can never think of anything to fill them with. So I run through my mind a list of topics I think might do, rejecting them all, pretty much, and realize the time I used to think of all this has lead to one of those awkward silences. Vicious Cycle.
A very long story short, the more I got to know him, the more I realized I really liked him. And, even better, he seemed to like me back! Huzzah!!!
But he's very sweet and very kind. Selfless. Patient. Good-natured. Probably one of the best people I know.
And when I'm with him I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time.
Actually, he makes me want to be a better person.
I feel so ridiculously lucky to have met him.
But I think that's it for now. I'll try and update tomorrow and tell you all how Mom did.
Later.
Now I know some of you have no idea what the fuck is going on right now, so let me back track a minute.
About 3 years ago Mom was rushed to the hospital where she had emergency surgery to remove a very large tumor that had twisted and obstructed her large intestine which, of course, is kinda not good. I didn't realize until later how serious that could have been. But I won't go into that except to say I feel extremely guilty now for my behavior then.
Anywho, fast forward 3 years and mom is having some problems, goes to the doctor (finally) goes to another doctor (finally) and is told, "Yup. You need to have a complete hysterectomy asap." She has a lot of fibrous cysts that aren't cancer yet, but if it had been left alone would more than likely turn into it.
She's going into surgery tomorrow at 9:30. It's a pretty routine procedure, but still...it's a major surgery, ya know? There is always that slight chance something could go wrong.
She'll go in, have surgery, stay a day or two for observation before the insurance company dumps her out of bed, and she'll come home. I'll have to help her these first few days especially. She's been told to lift nothing over the weight of a paper bag.
This leads me to my next update: I'm taking this semester off. Firstly, cause of Mom. I don't like the idea of her here by herself during recovery time. Also, its time for me to grow up. I'm weaning myself off of my parents financially so I've decided I'm gonna get a full time job somewhere, hopefully at Comcast (which would be really freakin' sweet cause they get comp'd internet and cable, meaning two major bills my 'rents wouldn't have to pay). I can save up some money to:
A. Pay off my car. and;
B. Save some cashola for tuition and not have to get a student loan.
And, honestly, I'd been feeling nothing but dread about this semester. There's really no one reason why. Actually there are a lot of little reasons, most of them dealing with my feeling guilty about something or other. But I'm starting to put a lot of things right again, I think. There are still a lot of other things I have guilt over. I feel like I've let some people down, closed off some doors. But, for the first time in ages, I feel like a great burden has been lifted off my chest.
This leads me to the latest development in my life: I've started seeing someone.
Exclusively.
Crys, I don't remember if I told you about Paul or not. But what I expected would be another case of, "Let's go out a few times then never see each other again" has turned into....much more.
I know, I know. You all have heard this before. And before I'm lambasted for another, "But this time its different!" I gotta tell you....this time, it really is different.
For one thing, I didn't think anything serious was going to come of it. After that last guy did a Houdini and vanished, I did an, "oh well, back into the fray." But I sent him a message on okcupid, not really sure if I was gonna get a reply. We ended up messaging back and forth a few times. Then we chatted on aim. So far, this is by the books. I was really enjoying chatting with him, but he hadn't asked to meet up with me yet.
Anywho, after I thought he'd given up interest and resigned me to "chat friend" place he gets around to asking me to a movie. So we decide on Transformers (awesome movie, btw). We met up at a coffee place first. I get there a few minutes early (pretty much the only time Paul has seen me anywhere close to being on time). My master plan was to sit there and be waiting while drinking my fantastic drink and reading a book and just look terribly hip. I was foiled by the two girls at the counter and their inability to make a Chai tea latte.
So I'm getting frazzled at this point because THE MASTER PLAN!!!!! is being held up and I happen to look at the line that had started forming behind me in this empty coffee shop while the two girls guesstimate how to make a chai latte. In it, I see this guy that looks vaguely like what I remember the few pictures of Paul I saw, only like 50 times cuter. This, of course, causes me to panic in my mind. The outside, icy-chill. I immediately start thinking, "Oh noes, he's going to take one look at me and run away." Actually, it was more like, "So we'll go in, see the movie, maybe chat a few minutes afterward and then he'll find some way to get the heck out of Dodge and we'll never see each other again." We get out of the movie, and he shocks the hell out of me by asking if I want to grab a bite to eat or something with him.
Over dinner, I absolutely cannot look at him. And I do that thing where I try to keep conversation up cause I hate awkward silences, only I can never think of anything to fill them with. So I run through my mind a list of topics I think might do, rejecting them all, pretty much, and realize the time I used to think of all this has lead to one of those awkward silences. Vicious Cycle.
A very long story short, the more I got to know him, the more I realized I really liked him. And, even better, he seemed to like me back! Huzzah!!!
But he's very sweet and very kind. Selfless. Patient. Good-natured. Probably one of the best people I know.
And when I'm with him I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time.
Actually, he makes me want to be a better person.
I feel so ridiculously lucky to have met him.
But I think that's it for now. I'll try and update tomorrow and tell you all how Mom did.
Later.