If these feelings floats both ways
First entry on this journal. Predictable and amateurish, but I had to let myself finish this one. Here's to a night of breaking repetition with a sekai drabble. Not beta-ed.
Inspired by Kuma - Falling For Somebody New
Jongin's hands slides smoothly underneath the table but his nails leaves faint marks into the wooden bench. He slightly sways his sitting body back and forth, continuous like the murky images in his head of of platinum blonde hair and tight eye-smiles, the sharp jawline to accentuate the thin, pale face. His stomach burns and churns, threatening to let out the vomit seeping up, but he can't move, can't think straight, not with the countless cheap shots of alcohol in his system. Jongin looks like drunken death, but nobody in the bar helps him as this is his usual routine every weekend. He looks nowhere but the floor, his drink, and occasionally his phone with his other hand still on the side, ready to press the memorized numbers on the dial pad belonging to the man in his swerving mind.
Although outside gleams with open opportunities of fun in the deep, dark city for a young college student such as himself, he longs for nothing, no one, nowhere but in the arms of him. He wants the mutual desire he craves in him, the feeling of what he thinks is love in Sehun.
Jongin met Sehun in his 2nd last year of high school. It wasn't an instant hit, they were only introduced through acquaintances and small talk, but Jongin always had felt a spark whenever they were in close proximity. Sehun was always the cool, calm, collected facade with much going for him. A likable guy by everyone, but he had always had difficulty expressing his feelings. The aura of fake happiness wasn't prevalent, but it hung around like the faint stench of a sun crisped afternoon to which Jongin picked up when he spotted Sehun alone in the back of the school during lunch. Head hung low, Sehun didn't acknowledge Jongin's presence until he felt a hand on his shoulder. The look of gratitude had him reeling a bit at the beauty in front of him, and he would have never thought that soon after offering his hand to hold, an ear to listen, and the comfort of caring arms that he'd be offering his heart as well.
Through their relationship, from the tiniest gaps of insecurities and uncertainty, it was filled with touch. Soft caresses to hands, collarbones, neck, and lips against each other, reassured each other that what they felt was real, at least for right now when they needed it the most. Every morning after a night of creaking beds and loud moans was spent with shuttering breaths of promises asking for forever and now. Jongin knew he fell within the confines of love whenever he was with Sehun, he knew this was all he could have ever hoped for as he gave himself wholeheartedly to Sehun, even if the other was unsure at times. But Jongin was always there to peck his lips with promises from each morning, hold him tight when his world breaks above him, and look at him with adoration filed only for him.
But love feels different after years. Love expires and stales like the empty looks Sehun gives him nowadays. And although Sehun explains to him one evening that he just can't do this anymore and that it's all Sehun's fault for making such stupid mistakes in their relationship, Jongin can't help but feel like everything is to blame on him. He thinks back often to what could have been wrong. Was he too clingy? Too over-protective? Too much of a burden? Or was he lacking despite giving his all to Sehun. Jongin knows it's not his fault, but he can't help but blame himself because he can't blame Sehun, not when he's given him the feeling of what it's like to be in love.
He thinks back to what the bartender, Chanyeol, had said to him after his sixth round last week: It's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all, he said with a sympathetic half-smile. Jongin knows he means well, but he can't help but want to smash his drink onto the table. The fire in his eyes boiled his tears with rage as he replies with a tight-lipped curt 'thanks'. All Jongin could think about was bullshit. Bullshit to love and lost, how could one choose paradise only to have it burned before his very eyes?
The city lights outside the dimly lit bar reflects his eyes to scorching blurs of colorful orbs. His senses have been weakened in his state and he shortly triumphs at how much harder it is to think about Sehun right now. The pain lingers however, it never lets go even when he can't feel his own face. It feels like there's always too much pressure in his chest, every breath comes out as unspoken sobs, every intake of air is a struggle not to break down. The footsteps outside can be heard slightly above the droned out music in the bar and Jongin wonders if one of them might be Sehun coming back to him, asking for his hand to hold, just like on that faithful day. His heartbeat quickens a bit at the thought of his only one crawling back, shelving the reality of it all to the back of his mind. He's always been too busy being in love with Sehun to rationalize.
The phone tingles in the palm of his hands as his moves his thumb to Sehun's contact, a flurry of hope to encourage the sin he's about to commit and he fights down the tears swelling in his bloodshot eyes. He pauses for a second gulping on pints of air before hitting call. From the end of his station, Chanyeol lets out a hefty sigh as he watching Jongin repeats himself into a cycle of disappointment all over again.
Jongin's hands slides smoothly underneath the table but his nails leaves faint marks into the wooden bench. He slightly sways his sitting body back and forth, continuous like the murky images in his head of of platinum blonde hair and tight eye-smiles, the sharp jawline to accentuate the thin, pale face. His stomach burns and churns, threatening to let out the vomit seeping up, but he can't move, can't think straight, not with the countless cheap shots of alcohol in his system. Jongin looks like drunken death, but nobody in the bar helps him as this is his usual routine every weekend. He looks nowhere but the floor, his drink, and occasionally his phone with his other hand still on the side, ready to press the memorized numbers on the dial pad belonging to the man in his swerving mind.
Although outside gleams with open opportunities of fun in the deep, dark city for a young college student such as himself, he longs for nothing, no one, nowhere but in the arms of him. He wants the mutual desire he craves in him, the feeling of what he thinks is love in Sehun.
Jongin met Sehun in his 2nd last year of high school. It wasn't an instant hit, they were only introduced through acquaintances and small talk, but Jongin always had felt a spark whenever they were in close proximity. Sehun was always the cool, calm, collected facade with much going for him. A likable guy by everyone, but he had always had difficulty expressing his feelings. The aura of fake happiness wasn't prevalent, but it hung around like the faint stench of a sun crisped afternoon to which Jongin picked up when he spotted Sehun alone in the back of the school during lunch. Head hung low, Sehun didn't acknowledge Jongin's presence until he felt a hand on his shoulder. The look of gratitude had him reeling a bit at the beauty in front of him, and he would have never thought that soon after offering his hand to hold, an ear to listen, and the comfort of caring arms that he'd be offering his heart as well.
Through their relationship, from the tiniest gaps of insecurities and uncertainty, it was filled with touch. Soft caresses to hands, collarbones, neck, and lips against each other, reassured each other that what they felt was real, at least for right now when they needed it the most. Every morning after a night of creaking beds and loud moans was spent with shuttering breaths of promises asking for forever and now. Jongin knew he fell within the confines of love whenever he was with Sehun, he knew this was all he could have ever hoped for as he gave himself wholeheartedly to Sehun, even if the other was unsure at times. But Jongin was always there to peck his lips with promises from each morning, hold him tight when his world breaks above him, and look at him with adoration filed only for him.
But love feels different after years. Love expires and stales like the empty looks Sehun gives him nowadays. And although Sehun explains to him one evening that he just can't do this anymore and that it's all Sehun's fault for making such stupid mistakes in their relationship, Jongin can't help but feel like everything is to blame on him. He thinks back often to what could have been wrong. Was he too clingy? Too over-protective? Too much of a burden? Or was he lacking despite giving his all to Sehun. Jongin knows it's not his fault, but he can't help but blame himself because he can't blame Sehun, not when he's given him the feeling of what it's like to be in love.
He thinks back to what the bartender, Chanyeol, had said to him after his sixth round last week: It's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all, he said with a sympathetic half-smile. Jongin knows he means well, but he can't help but want to smash his drink onto the table. The fire in his eyes boiled his tears with rage as he replies with a tight-lipped curt 'thanks'. All Jongin could think about was bullshit. Bullshit to love and lost, how could one choose paradise only to have it burned before his very eyes?
The city lights outside the dimly lit bar reflects his eyes to scorching blurs of colorful orbs. His senses have been weakened in his state and he shortly triumphs at how much harder it is to think about Sehun right now. The pain lingers however, it never lets go even when he can't feel his own face. It feels like there's always too much pressure in his chest, every breath comes out as unspoken sobs, every intake of air is a struggle not to break down. The footsteps outside can be heard slightly above the droned out music in the bar and Jongin wonders if one of them might be Sehun coming back to him, asking for his hand to hold, just like on that faithful day. His heartbeat quickens a bit at the thought of his only one crawling back, shelving the reality of it all to the back of his mind. He's always been too busy being in love with Sehun to rationalize.
The phone tingles in the palm of his hands as his moves his thumb to Sehun's contact, a flurry of hope to encourage the sin he's about to commit and he fights down the tears swelling in his bloodshot eyes. He pauses for a second gulping on pints of air before hitting call. From the end of his station, Chanyeol lets out a hefty sigh as he watching Jongin repeats himself into a cycle of disappointment all over again.