penn.

[blinkofaneye]

so back at penn. it's wierd. very mixed feelings. i love the place. and i was sooo excited to get back. but now i'm back and i'm doing work in my room all night. and it's odd cause that is making me happy... doing work.. it's also making me other things. but it's weird cause seeing turza at columbia also made me realize. i could fit there too. and with my parents bickering, i wonder, is penn ideal for me or can i just fit into a look of schools. it also makes me thing of grad school. theres soo few in places i want to go. there's so few my ego would allow me to go to. is that being narrow minded or determined? i've also realized that for the first time in forever... i spent the whole year here amd didn't join a club. i remember last year when i was sick telling myself i would not the first year of college just so i could see where i was before jumping into anything. and i did it. i dunno how much of a regret or blessing it is. because i miss doing yearbook and being active and sharing opinions and coming up with ideas on a more social, aimed level. we'll see. next year i'll hopefully join what i want to. i also realized that when i miss someone a lot, and they are not around, i interior dialogue and self contained anger as a way of dealing with them not being there. bad way to do deal with heartache. i dunno how good i'm gonna be at long distance. long it sounds so cold and far! oh well.
also realized how i'm caught in this odd place during summer. it's home... but it just aint home. yet... penn as i know it this year... is gone in may with the dorm and classes and hallmates, so what is home?