there's probably one person that will read this through. and if that's you, you probably should.

[blinking8eights]

(it's actually of little importance if anyone really reads any of this. such is part of the deal when transmitting a cheesy journal into cyberspace. BUT, i am hoping this catches one pair of eyes in particular

Comments

Trial by Jury

[carom915]

Well. Where to begin? I appreciate your attempts to shed the truth on the fundamental problems in mine and Sams (no longer existent) relationship, I wish it was he, and not you... that had told me these things. I understand, that Sam may not have the strength or courage to say the things to me, that he apparently says to you. I also though, feel really violated by this entry. I wish you hadn't shed light on my own personal issues for all of the world to read. I may not have minded SO MUCH had Sam not put a link to this page in his profile. But as you said, in words much kinder then I am currently able to, Sam is stupid and does not have the ability to see how an action of his own could be more detrimental to a person then helpful. In my opinion, you're far too generous about Sams wishes and integrity. You're far too kind in that you think he is simply naive to his would be malicious actions. Obviously right now (and I'm sure for a long time) I will continue to believe that no one can be that blind to their actions, and Sam prefers to be seen as the misunderstood altruist instead of the self preserving, ego centric person that, in my opinion, he is. I can't help but feel the need to defend myself. My personal issues, extend far beyond the realm of Sam. They are deeply rooted in my history, my life, and my psyche. Sam, happens to bear the brunt of holding the blame for my problems in my journal, only because he was the person to easily wipe them away. I know that I need to be independent, I know that happiness will come to me when I can do things for myself, I know that I shouldn't engage in self deprecating activities... in theory. However, my chosen profession of the moment, as well as NYC itself, doesn't lend so easily to overcoming these problems. And my live journal, is just that - a journal. I write in it when I'm most upset and not thinking clearly. I just write, and what comes out is my anger, frustration, fears, etc. It represents the manic, psychotic aspect of my mental process. The shit that I just have to GET OUT, so that those thoughts don't interfere with my daily life. So that I CAN live happily. Sam would be the first to tell you, that love is the thing that I hold in highest regard. I believe that love is the basis of life, and without it life is meaningless. I live for love, and I love living for it. Unfortunately, the downside of love is, as we all know, the people who you love the most can hurt you the most, and sometimes do. I don't wish for a boyfriend to make Sam angry, jealous, or hurt. I wish for a boyfriend, so that I can have that joyous feeling in my life. That indescribable, intangible feeling that comes with being next to the person who you LOVE. It's not a dependence issue (although I will be the first to admit that I'm a big baby and love being coddled and taken care of) but rather a longing for completeness. The ability to be taken into the full spectrum of emotion that is incomplete without love. I suppose I have said enough in my own defense, and I hope that you, Alison, as someone who knows me very little yourself, and mostly through the eyes of Sam, can understand that I'm more whole then I appear to be in journal entries. I hope that you understand why I am hurt and slightly angered by your entry, and my only wish is that you hadn't taken the time to discuss my personal issues, as it made me lose sight of the rest of the entry. I can't even focus on what you said about Sam, because I am so embarrassed about what was said about me. I will possibly, some day, take the time to read it again. Perhaps I will be in a less fragile state. I apologize for the stewn together manner of this "comment" as I'm not going to go back and revise. I hope you enjoy your remaining time in Spain. Vive la vida y deje la vida vivir.