you can never leave me will you please complete me never be enough to fill me up
the reasons of my hatred for their relationship are numerous.
i feel neglected on many levels, i hate watching them bicker like 12 year olds, i hate that they enable each others' alcohol abuse, they are extremely selfish and exclusive. and they have no idea how lucky they are.
clearly, there is good in the relationship if they got together in the first place. parts of them click extremely well and they have a lot in common, but to me, the whole thing reeks of immature attraction. they seem to be more into the idea that the other person likes them than into each other as people. it's becoming harder and harder to see them as individuals outside of their all-consuming relationship.
a good relationship should be about being able to maintain and (dare i venture?) ameliorate yourself as an individual with needs and thoughts and wants and emotions. your significant other should both support and perpetuate that feeling of growth, bring out the best in you, make you want to be a better person, make you want to treat them like gold... no?
i watch people learn nothing from their past relationships, do nothing to fix their current ones, and emotionally rot from the awful stagnation. how can you not think about these things? how can you not analyze the things going on in your life? how can you turn off the part of your psyche that even acknowledges you have a psyche? what have you been doing all your life?? how did you even get this far?? how can you function if you don't know what you need or want or feel and why you need or want or feel those things???!
maybe i need to think less? stop worrying and fussing over other people's problems and messes that i can't control or force to change. that's probably the hardest thing. i make myself sick with frustration and angst over other people's flaws. i convince myself we can talk it out and if they could just see it in the right light for one second that it'd be enough to spur a change. but it's not really up to me, i guess.
at what point should i stand up and walk away? when is enough enough and change an impossibility? have i allowed myself to change for the worse by being pulled down by people and their hangups and faults and addictions? i hate being angry. it's a waste of time.
my crushes on these people blinded me to their immaturity, stupidity, and alcoholism. i went back and forth in my head for awhile, trying to adjust to the fact that neither of them was with me, siding with one or the other, "he's not good enough for her"... "she's not good enough for him"... but now i just look at them with disgust. they're perfect for each other but also perfectly awful. neither one of them is raising the bar for the other and they are falling into this pattern of accommodation for the others' faults, silencing their own needs and wants and emotions in order to stay in agreement and avoid fighting. They are so out of touch with what is good for them as individuals and what would be good for them as a couple. (i know, i know, who am i to say?, but go with me on this) they are so far from who they could be. i see the amazing potential in both of them, beautiful people, but they have huge demons they need to sort out before that can happen. they are destroying themselves and their friendships with others for an attraction and the comfort of proximity and sex.
i'll admit, i'm jealous, too. they get to be together and stephen and i don't. and the one person offering me that sort of romantically-sexually-laced company was him for awhile. which leaves me without comfort. i'll admit that i have a bias in that sense. and lingering feelings for them both get caught up in the anger and all i can think is "if only they were with me... it could be so much better... i could be so much better for her... he could be so much more with me...
because he only responds if you're holding the sex card and needs to be told not to drink or do whatever drug is being offered. and because she needs to know what a healthy relationship really feels like, because this seems like a fairytale to her compared to what little she's known. he needs to be more for her. and she needs to be able to know that and call him on it. ignoring your friends to be alone at his side all the time, to make sure you're the one receiving his attention is not going to change the fact that he isn't attentive enough. just because he can't or doesn't choose to tap into his emotions and metathoughts, doesn't mean she should have to turn hers off too.
she's crazy about him. giddily, retardedly crazy about him. and he finds that inexorably attractive. magnetically desirable. and neither of them have to feel alone.
i need to step back and put it to rest. i need to admit that they both broke my heart a little and that trying to fix their relationship and them individually will not make them fall for me nor will it put me in relationship with either of them. i need to stop expending energy on things i have no energy for and things that simply will not budge from my efforts alone.
i need to concentrate on getting through the next 26 days and having the best time i can before i go home and regret wasting time being angry about wasting time. there are people here who are far more worth my energy and who will make me a better person for including them in my life.
i mentioned the general concept to josh in class today and he said: "yo. a. what does confucius tell us? never contract friendship with a man not better than thyself. never have a friend that's not as good as you."
drop the dead weight and move on, hines. you've got bigger fish to fry.
i feel neglected on many levels, i hate watching them bicker like 12 year olds, i hate that they enable each others' alcohol abuse, they are extremely selfish and exclusive. and they have no idea how lucky they are.
clearly, there is good in the relationship if they got together in the first place. parts of them click extremely well and they have a lot in common, but to me, the whole thing reeks of immature attraction. they seem to be more into the idea that the other person likes them than into each other as people. it's becoming harder and harder to see them as individuals outside of their all-consuming relationship.
a good relationship should be about being able to maintain and (dare i venture?) ameliorate yourself as an individual with needs and thoughts and wants and emotions. your significant other should both support and perpetuate that feeling of growth, bring out the best in you, make you want to be a better person, make you want to treat them like gold... no?
i watch people learn nothing from their past relationships, do nothing to fix their current ones, and emotionally rot from the awful stagnation. how can you not think about these things? how can you not analyze the things going on in your life? how can you turn off the part of your psyche that even acknowledges you have a psyche? what have you been doing all your life?? how did you even get this far?? how can you function if you don't know what you need or want or feel and why you need or want or feel those things???!
maybe i need to think less? stop worrying and fussing over other people's problems and messes that i can't control or force to change. that's probably the hardest thing. i make myself sick with frustration and angst over other people's flaws. i convince myself we can talk it out and if they could just see it in the right light for one second that it'd be enough to spur a change. but it's not really up to me, i guess.
at what point should i stand up and walk away? when is enough enough and change an impossibility? have i allowed myself to change for the worse by being pulled down by people and their hangups and faults and addictions? i hate being angry. it's a waste of time.
my crushes on these people blinded me to their immaturity, stupidity, and alcoholism. i went back and forth in my head for awhile, trying to adjust to the fact that neither of them was with me, siding with one or the other, "he's not good enough for her"... "she's not good enough for him"... but now i just look at them with disgust. they're perfect for each other but also perfectly awful. neither one of them is raising the bar for the other and they are falling into this pattern of accommodation for the others' faults, silencing their own needs and wants and emotions in order to stay in agreement and avoid fighting. They are so out of touch with what is good for them as individuals and what would be good for them as a couple. (i know, i know, who am i to say?, but go with me on this) they are so far from who they could be. i see the amazing potential in both of them, beautiful people, but they have huge demons they need to sort out before that can happen. they are destroying themselves and their friendships with others for an attraction and the comfort of proximity and sex.
i'll admit, i'm jealous, too. they get to be together and stephen and i don't. and the one person offering me that sort of romantically-sexually-laced company was him for awhile. which leaves me without comfort. i'll admit that i have a bias in that sense. and lingering feelings for them both get caught up in the anger and all i can think is "if only they were with me... it could be so much better... i could be so much better for her... he could be so much more with me...
because he only responds if you're holding the sex card and needs to be told not to drink or do whatever drug is being offered. and because she needs to know what a healthy relationship really feels like, because this seems like a fairytale to her compared to what little she's known. he needs to be more for her. and she needs to be able to know that and call him on it. ignoring your friends to be alone at his side all the time, to make sure you're the one receiving his attention is not going to change the fact that he isn't attentive enough. just because he can't or doesn't choose to tap into his emotions and metathoughts, doesn't mean she should have to turn hers off too.
she's crazy about him. giddily, retardedly crazy about him. and he finds that inexorably attractive. magnetically desirable. and neither of them have to feel alone.
i need to step back and put it to rest. i need to admit that they both broke my heart a little and that trying to fix their relationship and them individually will not make them fall for me nor will it put me in relationship with either of them. i need to stop expending energy on things i have no energy for and things that simply will not budge from my efforts alone.
i need to concentrate on getting through the next 26 days and having the best time i can before i go home and regret wasting time being angry about wasting time. there are people here who are far more worth my energy and who will make me a better person for including them in my life.
i mentioned the general concept to josh in class today and he said: "yo. a. what does confucius tell us? never contract friendship with a man not better than thyself. never have a friend that's not as good as you."
drop the dead weight and move on, hines. you've got bigger fish to fry.