I am not a gracious person
I wish I was, I really, truly do. But every time I find out that someone is doing better than me, I get jealous. 3 years younger than me and you have embarked upon a career? Fuck you. I actually wish for people I care about to do as poorly as I do, because if they're doing poorly then it means it's not my fault I'm a loser. If no one is doing well, then it's a systemic problem. If I'm the only jackass who can't find a job in her field then it must be a fault of mine. I'm damn smart and I'm a hard worker, though I am prone to learned helplessness. I actually wish for people to do poorly because I cannot/don't want to identify the fault that is keeping me a disgusting loser.