[Fan Fic] Fragments - Chapter 13
Title: Fragments
Author: blinkbling24
Pairing: Akame, Kokame
Genre: Angst, Romance, Smut
Rating: NC-17 (As there will be smut in subsequent chapters)
Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own them, because if I did, this fic would be in video instead of just words.
Warning: Fic is unbeta-ed, so please excuse the grammer/spelling mistakes, if any.
Summary: In life and love, you can’t have everything that you want, or can you?
A/N: This is my first multi-chaptered fic. I don’t know how long this will be yet. I’ll see how it goes as I write. This story is set in the near past, but will go back to the further past and play around with the timeline quite a bit, and it might get a little messy. I’ll try to be as faithful to the timeline as possible, but my memory might not serve me well, and I might just change things a bit and add a few imaginary dates, using my creative license.
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Chapter 13
Late October 2005, in the KAT-TUN dressing room, NHK theatre
“Guys, could you hang around for a while? I…er…have s..something I to tell you…."
They had just finished another run-of-the-mill Shounen Club recording and were gathering their things to leave for home. It was like clockwork to them. Gone were the days when the 6 of them would huddle together nervously just seconds before the show began, shelving aside whatever arguments that had happened moments before, overtaken by the overwhelming thought of performing in front of so many people. Now, Shounen Club was like talking to an annoying relative or distant family member. The boys did not quite like to participate in it, but they could not get out of it, not when they were still Juniors anyway.
There had been buzz around JE about KAT-TUN’s debut. The talks had been around for years, every time KAT-TUN performed a new song written especially for them on Shounen Club instead of singing their senpais’ songs, during the time when they held their own concerts in front of legions of fans, when their peers NEWS, and then Kanjani 8, debuted despite being plagued with scandal that made the KAT-TUN members’ behaviours seem exemplary. KAT-TUN was always told that it would be soon. But the word “soon” was so cryptic. When exactly would that be? Was there some publicity timeline that the company had to adhere to? Was there really some internal struggle, favouritism among the high-ups that caused the boys to be ping-ponged around? Or was it sadism on Johnny’s part, to have the rumours leak but doing nothing about it? Whatever it was, it caused the KAT-TUN boys to often be angsty, losing hope that they would indeed debut and rise in ranks in the JE hierarchy.
It was in this atmosphere that the youngest member of the group prepared himself to make his announcement. Koki settled himself down between Jin and Maru at the table and waited in anticipation to what Kame was about to say. He observed Kame, pacing up and down, trying to muster up the words.
“Kame….if you have something to say, just say it,” Koki tried to make things easier. He acknowledged Kame’s grateful smile with a nod and a wink.
Taking a deep breath, Kame said, “I’m releasing a single…….”
He said it so softly that Taguchi misheard, “We’re releasing a single! WOW! The boss is finally ready for us to debut?!”
Jin, having actually heard Kame accurately, snapped, “Shut up Taguchi! Kame, what do you mean you’re releasing a single?”
“Without us?” Maru looked distressed. Ueda just glared, while Taguchi threw Kame a confused look.
Nodding, Kame gulped. Koki, although feeling a little resentment rise in him, could not help but feel sorry for his friend as well.
“Kame, what do you mean?” Jin asked again through gritted teeth.
“I…I….we….” Kame swallowed, “Nobuta is doing well, and Manager-san said that Johnny-san wants Yamapi and I to release the theme song as a single………”
“So you’re going to do this? Are you going to be a NEWS now?!” Ueda’s voice cracked in rage.
“NO…NO, never,” Kame shook his head, “It’s just a temporary unit for the song. It doesn’t mean anything…..I would rather not….but the boss said so…..”
“Great, this is just great….you’re the star Kame, good on you,” Koki’s stomach knotted at Ueda’s sarcasm. He knew that everyone was reacting like that due to frustration. They all knew that it was not Kame’s fault, but they could not help channel their anger at him.
“I…I..tried to turn it down, guys, I really did….I want to debut with KAT-TUN…..not like this….”
“Kame, the boss obviously sees potential in you more than in any of us,” Maru shrugged and sighed, “well, congratulations. Even if KAT-TUN never debuts, at least one of us will have.” Maru stood up and left the room. Ueda followed immediately after, not looking at Kame once. Taguchi hesitated, but got up as well. He sighed heavily and patted Kame on the shoulder before making his exit.
It was Kame, Jin and Koki now. Kame looked at both Koki and Jin, searching for understanding in their eyes. He cringed when he was met with Jin’s cold look instead.
“J..Jin….please…..it’s not what I want….”
“With Yamapi huh? So Johnny-san has decided for you to ditch me and pair you up with Yamapi instead….”
“It’s because of the drama, it doesn’t mean anything….”
“Our pairing was because of the drama too! So that doesn’t mean anything as well?” Jin voice was getting louder.
“No….Jin, please understand…..”
“Oh, I understand alright. I understand that you’re whoring yourself in this industry, climbing over all of our heads to get to the top. And I suppose we have to act all happy for you on national TV and all that…….GOD! I don’t know why we, why I try so hard! KAT-TUN is never going to debut, not with such a selfish member like you!”
Kame did not know what else to say. He lowered his eyes in reaction to Jin’s fierce glare. Koki looked from one to the other, deciding whether to interfere. He was upset as well, but not nearly as upset as Jin was at the moment. Besides, seeing Kame so distraught hurt his heart. Before he could do anything however, Jin smacked his fist into the table.
“I don’t want to do this anymore! What’s the point? I could have been a normal kid, hanging out with my normal friends, playing soccer to my heart’s content, instead of coming in here week after week, smiling forcedly at the cameras, and pretending to be friends with you guys who are nothing but self-centred, insensitive pricks!"
All the rebellious resentment Jin had for the industry was bubbling up to the surface. Kame and Koki remained silent, the former taking it all in, thinking that he deserved to be yelled at. Koki, on the other hand was trying to figure out why Jin was so unnaturally pissed off. Yes, Kame’s news did rock the boat a little, but it was what this industry was all about, it was something they were all used to. When they signed the contract all those years ago, they knew full well that their lives, both personal and professional, were no longer their own. Their lives were under the control of JE. Koki wondered if there was more than meets the eye.
“Mark my words, Kamenashi,” Jin warned as he stood up and headed to the door, “one day, when you least expect it, I’m going to abandon this whole circus, leaving you all alone. Who’s going to be your friend then? Huh? Oh wait, I forgot, there’s always Yamashita.” Chuckling bitterly, Jin walked out.
Seeing Kame slump down to crouch pitifully on a corner, Koki got up and crouched next to Kame.
“Koki?” Kame muttered weakly, having no energy left.
“Yes, Kame?”
“Why aren’t you mad at me?”
Koki gave Kame a soft smile, “I’m mad, but not at you. I know it’s not your fault. The management should not put us through this, really, KAT-TUN is unstable enough as it is….”
“We’re not unstable, I believe in us,” Kame protested despite what he had been subjected to.
“Then why are you looking so defeated? You know that the guys just need some time to wrap their heads around this.”
Kame did not really hear what Koki had said. “Am I really like what Jin said? Am I really selfish?”
It was always about Jin. “Kame….Jin’s just frustrated. You kinda overtook him as the golden boy you know? And he’s bound to feel a little jealous, it’s natural.”
“But I didn’t mean to do it…I didn’t…..”
“Sshhh….I know…” Koki reached out to hug Kame’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug.
“I would have thought he would understand…I thought we were friends….”
“He is your friend, just as much as you are his. You guys will be fine, you’ll see….” Koki managed a grin.
Kame looked hopeful and was waiting to hear more.
However much it hurt him, Koki nodded, “Believe in your bond with Jin, Kame. Nothing will pull you guys apart, absolutely nothing.” Koki tried to say it with as much conviction as he could.
It was only then that Kame relaxed and smiled, “Koki, what would I do without you?”
***
April 1st 2008 - Filming of Cartoon KAT-TUN Do-As-You-Please Spring Special
“Kame-chan, are you alright?” It was something that Koki wanted to ask again, but he held his tongue. He had asked enough of that the past month, each time receiving the answer, “I’m fine, perfectly fine,” and if they were not in a public place or rushing for another photography/recording session, after replying, Kame would initiate sex. Not that Koki was complaining. Making love to Kame was the best thing in the world. It was Kame’s attitude towards making love that bothered Koki. There was something different. Kame’s moves were more anxious, like he was trying to bury himself in sex, so that it will prevent him from thinking about anything else.
But then, whenever they were around people, particularly with the rest of KAT-TUN, Kame would not come close to Koki, but even then it was very subtle. If Koki was not so attuned to Kame’s body language, he would not have noticed it. Kame had always maintained that they had to be professional at work, and Koki understood that. Even so, there had been times when Kame let his guard down and acted like his boyfriend, with affectionate touches here and there, even in front of the other guys. Recently, however, Koki noticed that these touches had disappeared.
He wondered what was wrong. Ever since that night when he woke up shaking in Kame’s arms, Kame had been holding on to him so tightly behind closed doors, and yet pushing him away in public. Koki also noticed that Kame and Jin were not on talking terms once again, but Koki could not be too bothered about that now. Frankly, he was sick and tired of fixing things between Kame and Jin; he had done so many times in the past, to the detriment of his own heart. Also, at this very moment, he had to fix things between him and Kame, even though he was not sure if there was anything to fix in the first place.
Kame was driving them to the filming location for the day. It was rare that they have been paired up and split into 3 different locations. Koki was grateful that Kame was paired with him. Maybe going out together, even if in front of the camera crew, would do them good. Seeing something else besides the inside of a studio might just be the thing Kame needed to snap out of whatever that was bothering him.
“This is nice isn’t it?” Koki asked, breaking the silence.
“Hmmm? Mmmm…” Kame replied, distracted.
“What do you think the producers will make us do today?”
Silence.
“Kame? I’m talking to you….Kame-chan?”
“Oh, you said something?” Kame pulled the car up to a red light.
“I’ve been trying to talk to you this whole ride! What the hell is wrong with you today, and for the past month?!” Koki snapped. He did not know how else to get through to his boyfriend.
“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong….just planning for the concert is taking its toll, that’s all,” Kame stared straight ahead, not meeting Koki’s eye.
“You fought with Jin again didn’t you?” Koki was almost afraid to ask.
“What? No! Why do you think that? I have nothing to fight with Jin about, we are hardly talking!” Kame responded, probably a little too quickly but Koki did not notice.
“What am I supposed to think? You get like this whenever it’s something involving Jin, I’ve been there in the past, remember? What changed between you 2? Why can’t you just get along? Would it kill you to be civil to each other?”
The light turned green and Kame moved forward, “It’s not about Jin ok, just drop it.”
“What is it, Kame? You know you can tell me anything, right?” Koki had concern in his voice.
“I know, sweetie, it’s just…just something I have to figure out for myself. When the time comes, I’ll tell you, I promise,” Kame lied.
“You sure?"
“Yes,” Kame turned and smiled at Koki before turning his eyes to the road again, “What say we enjoy our time together today? We haven’t done this in a long while.”
Still slightly unconvinced but deciding to trust Kame, Koki nodded and squeezed Kame’s hand that was on the gear shift, and felt a little better when his squeeze was reciprocated.
***
Admittedly, Kame had been distracted the past month. He was unsure of himself, and he was confused most of the time. He hated it, hated not being in control. He liked having the upper hand on things, he liked knowing what to do, both in his professional and personal life. So, that, for want of a better word, tryst he had with Jin was driving him crazy. He had absolutely no clue what to make of the situation. Whenever he was alone, all he could think about was Jin’s soft warm lips on his, but when he was Koki, he would be overcome with guilt which manifested in the desire to make Koki feel wanted and needed. Being in the same room with KAT-TUN was another matter. He would avoid Jin’s attempts to make eye contact, but he would feel uncomfortable behaving like a boyfriend to Koki in front of Jin. He knew that his behavior was akin to that of a lunatic’s in the past month, and he just wanted everything to go away, to go back to the way things were.
But how far in history should he go back to? To the Junior days? To that fateful day in the playground? To the day he let Koki make love to him? Would he have done anything differently? He really felt like he was going mad.
It did not help that Jin had sent him an infuriating email a couple days after the incident: You know how I feel. Do you know how you feel? The ball is in your court.
Kame had stared at the email for days, silently throwing curses at a certain Akanishi Jin, but also struggling with something he knew he had to do. It all boiled down to him choosing. He was being forced to make a choice, but how could he choose?
Even now, as he was driving Koki and himself to the filming location, his mind was all in a muddle. He turned to look at Koki fleetingly while he drove, remembering the happiness in Koki’s eyes when manager-san announced that they were both paired up for this shoot. Kame’s heart had warmed with affection for his boyfriend, and he looked forward to spending some leisure time together too. And then, he recalled Jin’s eyes across the meeting room table. Jin was saying something about how he was glad that it was finally not Nakamaru that he was paired with, and it made everyone at the table laugh. Kame had joined in. Through the laughter, he had caught Jin’s eyes, and it was full of question, full of expectation of an answer.
A whole 5 hours of their own time. In front of the cameras for all to see of course. But, things would get edited, so some private moments were allowed. It was better than nothing. Kame felt comforted as Koki held his hand for a couple of seconds before the cameras started to roll.
Oh God! Why did Koki bring up LA? Kame guessed that on some subconscious level, Koki was still feeling insecure about their relationship. The hint of sadness in Koki’s tone of voice that only Kame could detect caused Kame’s emotions to swirl. One the one hand, he was brought back to how he felt when Jin announced that he was leaving, on the other, he felt sad that after all this time, Koki still had the right to be insecure. Who could blame him? Koki’s insecurity would be proven right if he was swimming in Kame’s thoughts at that very moment. Once again, Kame was experiencing failure, failure in his relationship with Koki. To make himself and Koki feel better, Kame suggested going near Chiba, Koki’s home town. His mood brightened when he saw the huge smile on Koki’s face. Kame had done something right.
Maybe he should call it a day with Koki. There was no point stringing Koki along. That was what Kame thought throughout the cab ride, even when he was pretending to sleep. But when he opened his eyes and glanced at his sleeping lover, Kame could not bring himself to let go.
His heart did flutter when he was with Koki, and it was evident during this trip to Chiba. He noticed how Koki cared for him so tenderly. At the rest stop on their way to their destination, Koki had hugged him, held his hand, made him laugh and tried so hard to take his mind off whatever that was bothering him even though Koki had no idea what it was. Koki even rang the bell and declared “I love you” for the millionth time when Kame had not even said it once. Koki said it to the ocean, hoping that the waves would carry those words to Kame. And even though Kame was touched and made a joke to lighten the mood, when Koki handed Kame the rope to the bell, as he rang it, he could not say those words, at least not to the man standing beside him. Who could he say those words to then? No, not even to Jin. There were too many unresolved issues between him and Jin. There he was, thinking about Jin again, even as the bell resounded towards the vast blueness of the sea. And when Koki stroked the small of his back, signaling that they should move along, the lump of “I love you” was still in his throat.
The more time Kame spent with Koki that day, the more Kame was sure. And when they were on the cable car going up the mountain, when Koki said those words, “It is good that Kame-chan is happy…” as though it was the only thing that mattered in Koki’s world, Kame smiled genuinely at his boyfriend for the first time in almost a month.
Kame and Koki spent a beautiful day together, and Kame had made his decision. The game was over, or so he thought, and Koki was not to know anything about it.
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A/N: Man! This was a tough chapter to write. I hope I didn't confuse you guys. I'm just trying to contrast Koki with Jin, and also to show that Kame does not have it easy. Ah well...... :p