(no subject)
im trying to imagine how people can stay together for all of their lives. we are so different. polar opposites if you were to see. its very difficult to be on the same page. this place im in is respectless. well, i can change how i teach my kid, i dont think i could ever change how someone feels towards me. there used to be that look like i was amazing. simply that. everything feels so empty now at best. if im not hurt which seems to be daily i was to snuggle up in my blankets and pretend the world is gone. i rarely, however, get a moment to breathe. thats fine though. sometimes i feel like im having a heart attack. everything in love is missing. the constant yelling, the pressure. it bugs me that the person youre with is supposed to bring out the best in you. i often leave the room feeling like im nothing above shit. im a freeloader, a bitch, a whore...ive heard it all dozens and dozens of times for reasons im not sure i know. but when i gave in to this relationship i thought i was safe and i could very well drown in his arms when i needed to. the times ive cried because of him im ashamed of. dont feel like me anymore. dont feel like im to my potential and ready to tackle things as well. ive overcome that fear of breaking my silence. now i need to overcome my fear of turning up my volume. but i dont think i should. i would do anything for some romance, for that look, for that touch. but its lost. this is marriage. its not good for everyone. we werent meant to be. im constantly being treated like a 3 year old. screamed at if i so much as speak 3 words of a sentence he doesnt like. if i give attitude or express my dislike in anything seems i always get some sort of slap on the hand. its like women should be these superheroes. they should do everything that is expected. pop ut babies and raise them in a swift clean manner. have everything done and be tireless enough by the end of the day to give more than they can to a person whos been sitting their ass on the couch for 10 days straight not bothering to take their eyes off the screen. it must be nice to have those types of vacations. im in no way complaining about parenting. i just wish fathers could take a little more interest. because i know i get really tired of constantly being with a 2 year old. its draining mentally. like okay, mommy needs some adult time. men are so lazy. but if i dont do something i get a fire lit under my ass. i hate this marriage. im not happy. nothing will change. im so ashamed of what ive become for someone who will not treat me right. i have no faith, no hope i will ever be treated right. its just the person he is. angry. every time i slip a little in this leash i have on my trust its locked right back up again. im sick of fighting. i dont like hurting people...so in this...people just hurt me. one person really right now. i often have these dreams of running away. being with someone calm and loving and romantic. having conversations and a normal family. im really upset with myself. i blame myself for giving myself and my daughter this life where shes surrounded by anger. i cant blame her when she gets angry and frustrated herself. she tags on meso much cause she thinks im safe. shes nothing like me. its really scary. too often i get scared and jumpy and i cant explain why.this isnt me. im running away from myself and letting someone else takeover. i have my own personal hitler. there are so many things i hate in this i cannot even start to make an effective list. can you just care better??? be stronger???? but treat me like an equal??? i hate hate hate being treated like a woman. half of me isnt. oh, but that half is floating around someplace lost. its being a big fat wimp. guess it wasnt that strong to begin with!