i try to grasp my memories and let go of unfinished dreams
SAUNDERS AND BEYOND
Life took many turns once i stepped into the unholy grounds of 'high school'. This seems to be a phase of existence whereupon many people seem to grasp at individuality. I was no different, sadly. I spent many years trudging though life in my tshirts and sweatpants, not generally giving a callous shit who thought what of me. But puberty and high school seemed to change that. With the addition of a moving penis, my concerns with getting laid grew quite frequent. I instead donned apparel that matched those of my musical interests. Black everything, because i was unique afterall. I started gowing my hair longer, and eventually started experimenting with various hair colours.
The first day, my mother refused to let me go alone. Her little boy was moving into the real world, and she didnt want to be left behind. I toured the school, again, and met with my teachers. We had 'classes' that first day, all of which entailed a 15min introduce yourself program. I always found these things odd, for your first instinct when your a hermit is to hide in the shadows for comfort...but these evil fuckers make you stand up and introduce yourself. What the fuck is a 13yr old going to say about themselves. "Hi, my name is Duane and i like to masterbate with my newly functial cock"...there is nothing in life that anyone at this age is willing to share...NOTHIMG. Going home was almost a blessing that day. I hid in my room and played sega genesis until i passed out. Nothing ever mattered when the sega genesis was on the tv screen...nothing except for small goals and quests that i could complete with ease...all the while wishing that life would be this way in the future. I never delusioned myself into thinking i wanted to be a magic hero that shoots lightning bolts...i just wanted life to end happily...i wanted my woman, my fat loot, and a fucking red horse to ride away on. Im still looking for that red horse on the horizon....
So school carried on, and on, and on. I met people i disposed of quickly after their use to me was expired. I hated almost everybody, and kept mostly to myself. The most common phrase most students heard from me was 'fuck off'. I started growing more cynical with each passing day, and nobody could ever talk me out of what i was doing. It was about midway through grade 9 when i started my first real addiction. After a boring day at school, a boring walk home, a boring dinner and an especially boring 'awake before waking' night....i found an exacto blade and started playing with it. Running it across my arms and legs, i would push just enough to feel a small itching sensation. While watching tv, i tried pushed a little too hard, and was fascinated by the thin crimson line that appeared on my arm. This was puzzling and interesting at the same time. So i tried again over the same mark, except this time i pushed a lot harder. I felt metal serrate through the flesh, and a feeling of thunder without a noise pulsed though my body. I remember my head lolling backwards into the wall as my body slumped off the bed. I lay on the floor, with a brand new wound along my arm...somewhat aroused but mostly confused...especially that this was the first night in almost 3 yrs where a gigantic smile had made its home along my inexpressive face. Later in life, my body has become a working canvass of various scars, mostly self induced...but all have their meanings and appropriate memories. The deepest cut has always been without regrets.
So life ventured forth, always staying in its rampant form of a never-ending story. I would sometimes sit up late at nite, pondering if i had sinned so badly in my past life, that i should still be suffering for it now. I started reading various forms of mythology and religions, trying to figure out what i was. But nothing would ever evolve into a happy life. I would go to school, get good grades, and hate my surroundings. I would come home, do my homework, and try to pass out. At least once a week i would cut myself again and again, until i got to the point where i was contemplating just severing something vital. Of the many thoughts, i never actually tried to go through with it, not yet anyway. But then one day everything changed.
I woke up to a normal day, the sun was out in its most vibrant of modes, and i packed my shit and carted my ass to school. I put on my roller blades, threw on my trench coat, and rolled my way to the usual seven elven. After purchasing my uber-industial sized slurpee, the kind that would make an elephant piss for weeks, i noticed the time and bolted to school. At this point in my life i was never late, and hated when i was. So at a hurred pace i got to school ten minutes ahead of schedule. Near the smokers pit i glimpsed what would later be my very own ruin. Red was the most vibrant colour i saw that day. Standing at 5'9, a glimpse of eternal rapture stood before me. She glanced over at me, with a smog of ciggarette smoke pouring from her opened chasm. The most beautiful dragon i had ever glimpsed in my entire life. I would later find out her name was sarah, and that she was graduating that year...which was in 3 weeks. At the end of the day, i saw her again standing in the exact same spot, talking to some generic looking 'goth' kid. I started to walk over and talk to her, but my knees were weak from inexperience, and i instead just carted my ass home. A full week went by of the same basic pattern, racing to school to catch a glimpse, leaving to catch another, and asking around for information about her. Until one day. While catching my usual glimpse, she started walking towards me. Not knowing what to do, i stood still as if caught in traffic, hoping that maybe she wouldnt see me. She eyed me up and down, and handed me a piece of paper. Her first words to me where..."thats my number, if you can get over what i look like, give me a call and we'll go hangout"...and to think, if that hadnt of happened, my entire life may have been different. Instead i just kind of walked away silently, agian, not having a fucking clue on how to react. It took me 3 days to build up enough human interaction skills to phone, and from that point on my life took a complete turn into an upward descent.
That summer was a first of many experiences that have changed my life, some which would bring me to the brink of a true falling into my own abyss. I started hanging out with sarah almost all of the time, it turns out that we both had similar childhoods, and a tendency to forcefully forget things we endured. At first we were both very cold to one another, hanging out more out of sheer boredom than anything else. But our hatered for humanity is what would inadvertantly drive us together. Over the three months, i would adapt her apartment as my own. We were not dating, or even really attracted to one another (openly anyway), we just seemed to enjoy being in the presence of one another, almost as if nothing made sense unless the other was mocking it. After a heated arguement with my mother, which now i know was entirely my fault, i ran to sarah's in hopes of finding a saviour from myself. She had a couple friends over, and when she saw my face she asked them to leave...i had never fully opened up my mind to her, but at this time i was lost in my own head. I blurted out everything i had running through me, the way i thought about her when i smelled her, the sight of her and how it made my insides melt...but most important of all, we somehow got onto the topic of self mutilation. I showed her some of my scars, and her eyes opened to the point where it seemed i was staring directly into her inner soul. I thought i had lost her as a friend, that i would scare her away at that moment....this was the first time i was ever open about my cutting, and to be honest, i still dont fully know why i do it...her reaction was a simple hug, and she kissed my ear. Standing quickly she told me she had the cure. Reaching into her tv stand, she pulled out a small plastic bag that was filled with a white-almost opaque substance. She then put a few of these crystal shaped objects onto a small mirror and crushed them up. My naivity wouldnt allow me to have a fucking clue what she was doing. Was this some sort of vitamin hippy shit?...medicine for my cuts?...but it was none of these things. Taking apart a bic pen, she made two lines of powder and told me to snort one into my nose. For someone who didnt trust people too much, i stupidly just did as i was told. As the meth filled my head, it spread a sensation accross my brain almost immediatly...followed by a slight burning in my nostril. I crept my head back, forming a human arch with my body. I pulsed, I vibrated through every vein...my blood boiled, and my thoughts diminished to the sound of my galvanized heartbeat. It was as if i was pushing my insides, out. All the walls surrounded me, and were closing in around me. I was being smothered by this euphoric sensation. From my form i crept a sight of sarah doing the same action i just incurred. We both lay there, staring at the ceiling, babbling about things that never mattered...and in some instances, things that never existed. She handed me a ciggarette, and for the first time i filled my lungs with, yet another, addiction i woudld aquire. For one small moment in time, nothing mattered, and i was peacefull. I would relive this moment with sarah a few more times that summer, watching as our relationship blossomed into something more than a simple friendship. By the end of summer, sarah would begin a small modeling job, and i continued on to grade 10. I somehow knew that school would be far more entertaining for me this year.
Life took many turns once i stepped into the unholy grounds of 'high school'. This seems to be a phase of existence whereupon many people seem to grasp at individuality. I was no different, sadly. I spent many years trudging though life in my tshirts and sweatpants, not generally giving a callous shit who thought what of me. But puberty and high school seemed to change that. With the addition of a moving penis, my concerns with getting laid grew quite frequent. I instead donned apparel that matched those of my musical interests. Black everything, because i was unique afterall. I started gowing my hair longer, and eventually started experimenting with various hair colours.
The first day, my mother refused to let me go alone. Her little boy was moving into the real world, and she didnt want to be left behind. I toured the school, again, and met with my teachers. We had 'classes' that first day, all of which entailed a 15min introduce yourself program. I always found these things odd, for your first instinct when your a hermit is to hide in the shadows for comfort...but these evil fuckers make you stand up and introduce yourself. What the fuck is a 13yr old going to say about themselves. "Hi, my name is Duane and i like to masterbate with my newly functial cock"...there is nothing in life that anyone at this age is willing to share...NOTHIMG. Going home was almost a blessing that day. I hid in my room and played sega genesis until i passed out. Nothing ever mattered when the sega genesis was on the tv screen...nothing except for small goals and quests that i could complete with ease...all the while wishing that life would be this way in the future. I never delusioned myself into thinking i wanted to be a magic hero that shoots lightning bolts...i just wanted life to end happily...i wanted my woman, my fat loot, and a fucking red horse to ride away on. Im still looking for that red horse on the horizon....
So school carried on, and on, and on. I met people i disposed of quickly after their use to me was expired. I hated almost everybody, and kept mostly to myself. The most common phrase most students heard from me was 'fuck off'. I started growing more cynical with each passing day, and nobody could ever talk me out of what i was doing. It was about midway through grade 9 when i started my first real addiction. After a boring day at school, a boring walk home, a boring dinner and an especially boring 'awake before waking' night....i found an exacto blade and started playing with it. Running it across my arms and legs, i would push just enough to feel a small itching sensation. While watching tv, i tried pushed a little too hard, and was fascinated by the thin crimson line that appeared on my arm. This was puzzling and interesting at the same time. So i tried again over the same mark, except this time i pushed a lot harder. I felt metal serrate through the flesh, and a feeling of thunder without a noise pulsed though my body. I remember my head lolling backwards into the wall as my body slumped off the bed. I lay on the floor, with a brand new wound along my arm...somewhat aroused but mostly confused...especially that this was the first night in almost 3 yrs where a gigantic smile had made its home along my inexpressive face. Later in life, my body has become a working canvass of various scars, mostly self induced...but all have their meanings and appropriate memories. The deepest cut has always been without regrets.
So life ventured forth, always staying in its rampant form of a never-ending story. I would sometimes sit up late at nite, pondering if i had sinned so badly in my past life, that i should still be suffering for it now. I started reading various forms of mythology and religions, trying to figure out what i was. But nothing would ever evolve into a happy life. I would go to school, get good grades, and hate my surroundings. I would come home, do my homework, and try to pass out. At least once a week i would cut myself again and again, until i got to the point where i was contemplating just severing something vital. Of the many thoughts, i never actually tried to go through with it, not yet anyway. But then one day everything changed.
I woke up to a normal day, the sun was out in its most vibrant of modes, and i packed my shit and carted my ass to school. I put on my roller blades, threw on my trench coat, and rolled my way to the usual seven elven. After purchasing my uber-industial sized slurpee, the kind that would make an elephant piss for weeks, i noticed the time and bolted to school. At this point in my life i was never late, and hated when i was. So at a hurred pace i got to school ten minutes ahead of schedule. Near the smokers pit i glimpsed what would later be my very own ruin. Red was the most vibrant colour i saw that day. Standing at 5'9, a glimpse of eternal rapture stood before me. She glanced over at me, with a smog of ciggarette smoke pouring from her opened chasm. The most beautiful dragon i had ever glimpsed in my entire life. I would later find out her name was sarah, and that she was graduating that year...which was in 3 weeks. At the end of the day, i saw her again standing in the exact same spot, talking to some generic looking 'goth' kid. I started to walk over and talk to her, but my knees were weak from inexperience, and i instead just carted my ass home. A full week went by of the same basic pattern, racing to school to catch a glimpse, leaving to catch another, and asking around for information about her. Until one day. While catching my usual glimpse, she started walking towards me. Not knowing what to do, i stood still as if caught in traffic, hoping that maybe she wouldnt see me. She eyed me up and down, and handed me a piece of paper. Her first words to me where..."thats my number, if you can get over what i look like, give me a call and we'll go hangout"...and to think, if that hadnt of happened, my entire life may have been different. Instead i just kind of walked away silently, agian, not having a fucking clue on how to react. It took me 3 days to build up enough human interaction skills to phone, and from that point on my life took a complete turn into an upward descent.
That summer was a first of many experiences that have changed my life, some which would bring me to the brink of a true falling into my own abyss. I started hanging out with sarah almost all of the time, it turns out that we both had similar childhoods, and a tendency to forcefully forget things we endured. At first we were both very cold to one another, hanging out more out of sheer boredom than anything else. But our hatered for humanity is what would inadvertantly drive us together. Over the three months, i would adapt her apartment as my own. We were not dating, or even really attracted to one another (openly anyway), we just seemed to enjoy being in the presence of one another, almost as if nothing made sense unless the other was mocking it. After a heated arguement with my mother, which now i know was entirely my fault, i ran to sarah's in hopes of finding a saviour from myself. She had a couple friends over, and when she saw my face she asked them to leave...i had never fully opened up my mind to her, but at this time i was lost in my own head. I blurted out everything i had running through me, the way i thought about her when i smelled her, the sight of her and how it made my insides melt...but most important of all, we somehow got onto the topic of self mutilation. I showed her some of my scars, and her eyes opened to the point where it seemed i was staring directly into her inner soul. I thought i had lost her as a friend, that i would scare her away at that moment....this was the first time i was ever open about my cutting, and to be honest, i still dont fully know why i do it...her reaction was a simple hug, and she kissed my ear. Standing quickly she told me she had the cure. Reaching into her tv stand, she pulled out a small plastic bag that was filled with a white-almost opaque substance. She then put a few of these crystal shaped objects onto a small mirror and crushed them up. My naivity wouldnt allow me to have a fucking clue what she was doing. Was this some sort of vitamin hippy shit?...medicine for my cuts?...but it was none of these things. Taking apart a bic pen, she made two lines of powder and told me to snort one into my nose. For someone who didnt trust people too much, i stupidly just did as i was told. As the meth filled my head, it spread a sensation accross my brain almost immediatly...followed by a slight burning in my nostril. I crept my head back, forming a human arch with my body. I pulsed, I vibrated through every vein...my blood boiled, and my thoughts diminished to the sound of my galvanized heartbeat. It was as if i was pushing my insides, out. All the walls surrounded me, and were closing in around me. I was being smothered by this euphoric sensation. From my form i crept a sight of sarah doing the same action i just incurred. We both lay there, staring at the ceiling, babbling about things that never mattered...and in some instances, things that never existed. She handed me a ciggarette, and for the first time i filled my lungs with, yet another, addiction i woudld aquire. For one small moment in time, nothing mattered, and i was peacefull. I would relive this moment with sarah a few more times that summer, watching as our relationship blossomed into something more than a simple friendship. By the end of summer, sarah would begin a small modeling job, and i continued on to grade 10. I somehow knew that school would be far more entertaining for me this year.