I believe.

Jan 26, 2008 23:42

    English class has me thinking again. The class was given the assignment of writing a "This I Believe" essay. And I questioned myself for a while. I thought over it. I sat on the subject and let the question, "what do I believe", rattle around in my brain for a few days. Nothing surfaced. I eventually wrote an essay on the pressure parents put on kids with "if only I were young again" or the most popular "these are the best years of your life". The essay tackled perspective, arguing that it should lead all relationships. While I believe that statement, I don't believe that it's my most powerful belief.
    And while I try to compile my memories and my morals, I process many questionable actions. I believe that this life is confusing, it's a dark path and every step provides another obstacle. This is what I believe.
    If you would have asked me a year ago, maybe a little over, I would have spurted out something religious. It probably would have contained "Jesus", "Savior", or "God". This leads me to question my present self: am I proud of who I've become? And this I cannot answer. I miss religion. I miss calling on Jesus at every turn.
    But He's found His way out of my life. I no longer have the time to sit and pray. And what would I pray about? My car troubles. Pushing physical boundaries with my girlfriend. The lack of respect for my parents. My falling grades. The shit-hole we like to call America.
    No. Jesus couldn't fix it all. He wouldn't. No, never.
    I believe belief is what keeps us going. We believe in hope, fate, and the power in the stars. Bullshit! Believe in the money that you hold in your hands, or the lack of it. It decides everything. Believe in the gas in your car, it gets you to your job, which gets you the money to get the gas. Believe in this fucking war, it inflates gas prices, which you have to pay, to put gas in your car, to go to work, to buy the gas to get you to work. Do you see this vicious cycle?
    I'm seventeen. Young you will say. Not too young. My mind is expanding and exiting the teenage oppression I've been trying to escape for years I find myself in another cage. This cage may be a bit larger than the last, but I was never aware of my previous cage. Ignorance is bliss, I say.
    I believe humans have a desperate need to feel alive and cast off loneliness Have you ever wondered why pornography was such a vast industry?
    I know, I've gone on a bit of a rant, but this is my point: how can I believe in anything when I am torn into so many pieces? I work to live and live to work. We are all living fractured lives with broken spirits and empty wallets. I only wonder, was there something to the formula when we were young, when we all called on Jesus at every turn?
 
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