when men on the chess board...
its hard to explain how i feel as of late. its always hard to explain it. ill try my best to break it down...
The weather, (precipitation aside)has been wonderful. it just makes me think of every summer ive ever lived through. which in itself is a mix of good and bad, but in that wonderful way. even comming inside is wonderful.. central air is comforting in a strange way.
ive gotten the job at best buy. which means that A) i will be working with derek which is sweet, and B) ill be making twice as much money as before.
these are all good things. however for some reason im still feeling rather ... something. something in the air is just so foreboding. this could be attributed to a lot of things. its been so long since ive felt good about myself and my situation that in some cases i dont really know how to handle it.. i kind of forget im not depressed. you spend so long feeling or living a certain way its hard to just do something else.
i have other things to occupy my angst .. or whats left of it anyway. art for one has become a much more significant part of my life. although mind you im not that good at it. it still helps me at least try to express those feelings that i just cant quite get a handle on.. and i ride my bike and i hang out with friends and i see kate and i do all those things that i adore and i do, adore all of it. i still feel like im missing something. i dont see how, and i have no idea what. for some reason though.. its always in the back of my mind.
its hard to let go, to stop worrying about things. even when you have nothing to worry about. im trying to keep myself on the right track, and ive been doing a good job of it. im not really depressed anymore, ive lost 45lbs, got a job, then i got a good job, my car is... on the road to recovery, ive got some money in the bank, i have at least a good idea of what i want to do with my future, im madly in love with kate, i have wonderful friends, but for some reason it seems, im missing something.
The weather, (precipitation aside)has been wonderful. it just makes me think of every summer ive ever lived through. which in itself is a mix of good and bad, but in that wonderful way. even comming inside is wonderful.. central air is comforting in a strange way.
ive gotten the job at best buy. which means that A) i will be working with derek which is sweet, and B) ill be making twice as much money as before.
these are all good things. however for some reason im still feeling rather ... something. something in the air is just so foreboding. this could be attributed to a lot of things. its been so long since ive felt good about myself and my situation that in some cases i dont really know how to handle it.. i kind of forget im not depressed. you spend so long feeling or living a certain way its hard to just do something else.
i have other things to occupy my angst .. or whats left of it anyway. art for one has become a much more significant part of my life. although mind you im not that good at it. it still helps me at least try to express those feelings that i just cant quite get a handle on.. and i ride my bike and i hang out with friends and i see kate and i do all those things that i adore and i do, adore all of it. i still feel like im missing something. i dont see how, and i have no idea what. for some reason though.. its always in the back of my mind.
its hard to let go, to stop worrying about things. even when you have nothing to worry about. im trying to keep myself on the right track, and ive been doing a good job of it. im not really depressed anymore, ive lost 45lbs, got a job, then i got a good job, my car is... on the road to recovery, ive got some money in the bank, i have at least a good idea of what i want to do with my future, im madly in love with kate, i have wonderful friends, but for some reason it seems, im missing something.