Losing
I'm 30. I'm 30 and all of my friends have families, are married, or have a career. I feel like my life is over, like i'm worthless to society because i didn't do what everyone else did. At least, this is my theory as to why i've been extremely anxious the last week or so. I've had every support string clipped, well at least the financial ones. Due to a government error, my food stamp benefits have been cut by $184 leaving me $16 to buy food for the entire month. And to top it off, I have to pay them back the $552 that they 'over paid.' Due to a wonderful glitch, mostly in my head, i didn't look for work for 1 week and it happened to be the 1 week that EDD requested, so now i have no unemployment either. I requested that they hold my $16 so that they can slowly pay themselves back, although i do have the option to pay them back in cash. I almost cried at the store, mainly b/c i wouldn't be able to buy food like that again but initially b/c i couldn't buy my soda; the one thing i really wanted. But i need the food more than soda. I'm not looking forward to going back to occasionally starving myself, but once the food runs out... well, i'm horrible at saving up any type of money so i rarely ask people to lend me anything. I always tell people to ask me if they need help, that i know how hard it is to ask and it shouldn't be hard to ask me. I never ask for help, too proud, too scared and way too nervous about it to do so. Besides, i never know where i stand with anyone and i'm worried about the burden it puts on them.
I failed my drug test and i'm so disappointed in myself. If i could afford the license, i'd get it but it wouldn't do very much good. But i suppose i'll continue to illegally treat my anxiety, depression and slight insomnia until i can't. Basically, the sack i bought 2 weeks ago will have to last. And then there go my stogies too.. its really tough to quit both about the same time. But when you can't afford it, you learn to live with it real quick. So i've been bummed out.
I got to see my boo! We ate, smoked and played video games at Boomers. We had a really good time and we're both so surprised about it. He kicked my ass at Street Fighter 2 and i kicked his ass at Tekken 5, then we played skeeball and gave our tickets away to a little boy. I haven't seen him in about 2-3 weeks, i can't remember anymore, but it's been a while.
About 8 months ago or so, my sister began getting random baby magazines. She swears up and down that she never ordered them, doesn't know how they got here but she started getting baby hungry. Now she's pregnant. Well, i got a random wedding magazine and now she's convinced that i'll be getting married soon. I've thought about it more lately, but there's been nothing on tv! so i end up watching Say Yes to the Dress. Which depresses me further b/c i'm struggling to get by and these bitches are like, oh we're gonna start at $3,000 but our max is $10,000. FOR JUST THE DRESS. But the softie in me really likes some of the stories and the dresses are pretty; i wouldn't pay that much... but they're still pretty lol. My Boo also said something about it tonight... I know he's waiting, waiting as long as he can before he proposes. I know because we talk about it. The naive little girl in me wants him to ask already, but the jaded heart-broken one knows that we have to wait as long as fucking possible. Mainly b/c i know there's no way to get a guarantee that he'll never leave. I've tried explaining; i'm old fashioned. I only want 1 wedding, i'd really fucking prefer not to get divorced. And unless one of us murders the other, i want to stick it out and work on our shit. I don't even want divorce to be an option for my marriage; i want that person to understand that we're gonna fix whatever is wrong no matter how long it takes. I've always been dumped, i've always stuck around until they tell me to fuck off... i know it's asking a lot. But i hope the person i spend the rest of my life with, is down and totally understands what that statement means. But ideally, i'd like it to be him. He's really awesome to me, he's good for me, i enjoy every moment i'm with him- even the bad feeling moments- and.. HE STILL LIKES ME. STILL. We're coming up on 2 years and he's still stoked to see me, be around me, talk to me... i haven't really had that with anyone. EVER. Usually about now, the guy is planning to break up with me... for about a year now and he'll do it soon.. BUT he wants to take care of me, still cares for me, wants to be in my life, feels bad; i mean the list of reasons they don't break up with me goes on.
And why is it that i've never tried to date any male friends before? If i'd ever taken the time to get to know my boyfriends this way, i would never have had any of this bullshit. But i've realized it's b/c of girls. It's because every girl i've ever wanted to date has told me: We're really good friends; i don't date my friends; i don't make out with my friends. Oh but the moment their best guy friend hits on them, their fucking panties drop. So every bisexual girl i've been friends with has been a fucking liar! lol, they're not really bi... just open or curious. I wish i'd had more girlfriends. Not much i want/can do about it now and that's okay, its a small sacrifice to be this content.
Now i'm gonna have the 1 small toke that i allow myself a day now, along with the 1 stogie. And water, i need water. I haven't worked out in 2 weeks now and i need to get back on it. I need to do things myself and be okay with that. I need to adjust to the idea of moving away. Maybe go back to school... I just want my ambition to kick in so i can do something with my life. I really wish i had thought this way when i was 16.
I failed my drug test and i'm so disappointed in myself. If i could afford the license, i'd get it but it wouldn't do very much good. But i suppose i'll continue to illegally treat my anxiety, depression and slight insomnia until i can't. Basically, the sack i bought 2 weeks ago will have to last. And then there go my stogies too.. its really tough to quit both about the same time. But when you can't afford it, you learn to live with it real quick. So i've been bummed out.
I got to see my boo! We ate, smoked and played video games at Boomers. We had a really good time and we're both so surprised about it. He kicked my ass at Street Fighter 2 and i kicked his ass at Tekken 5, then we played skeeball and gave our tickets away to a little boy. I haven't seen him in about 2-3 weeks, i can't remember anymore, but it's been a while.
About 8 months ago or so, my sister began getting random baby magazines. She swears up and down that she never ordered them, doesn't know how they got here but she started getting baby hungry. Now she's pregnant. Well, i got a random wedding magazine and now she's convinced that i'll be getting married soon. I've thought about it more lately, but there's been nothing on tv! so i end up watching Say Yes to the Dress. Which depresses me further b/c i'm struggling to get by and these bitches are like, oh we're gonna start at $3,000 but our max is $10,000. FOR JUST THE DRESS. But the softie in me really likes some of the stories and the dresses are pretty; i wouldn't pay that much... but they're still pretty lol. My Boo also said something about it tonight... I know he's waiting, waiting as long as he can before he proposes. I know because we talk about it. The naive little girl in me wants him to ask already, but the jaded heart-broken one knows that we have to wait as long as fucking possible. Mainly b/c i know there's no way to get a guarantee that he'll never leave. I've tried explaining; i'm old fashioned. I only want 1 wedding, i'd really fucking prefer not to get divorced. And unless one of us murders the other, i want to stick it out and work on our shit. I don't even want divorce to be an option for my marriage; i want that person to understand that we're gonna fix whatever is wrong no matter how long it takes. I've always been dumped, i've always stuck around until they tell me to fuck off... i know it's asking a lot. But i hope the person i spend the rest of my life with, is down and totally understands what that statement means. But ideally, i'd like it to be him. He's really awesome to me, he's good for me, i enjoy every moment i'm with him- even the bad feeling moments- and.. HE STILL LIKES ME. STILL. We're coming up on 2 years and he's still stoked to see me, be around me, talk to me... i haven't really had that with anyone. EVER. Usually about now, the guy is planning to break up with me... for about a year now and he'll do it soon.. BUT he wants to take care of me, still cares for me, wants to be in my life, feels bad; i mean the list of reasons they don't break up with me goes on.
And why is it that i've never tried to date any male friends before? If i'd ever taken the time to get to know my boyfriends this way, i would never have had any of this bullshit. But i've realized it's b/c of girls. It's because every girl i've ever wanted to date has told me: We're really good friends; i don't date my friends; i don't make out with my friends. Oh but the moment their best guy friend hits on them, their fucking panties drop. So every bisexual girl i've been friends with has been a fucking liar! lol, they're not really bi... just open or curious. I wish i'd had more girlfriends. Not much i want/can do about it now and that's okay, its a small sacrifice to be this content.
Now i'm gonna have the 1 small toke that i allow myself a day now, along with the 1 stogie. And water, i need water. I haven't worked out in 2 weeks now and i need to get back on it. I need to do things myself and be okay with that. I need to adjust to the idea of moving away. Maybe go back to school... I just want my ambition to kick in so i can do something with my life. I really wish i had thought this way when i was 16.