Teleport
I wish i lived the way my posts do, teleporting through time. I've been wanting to write for so long and i'm not sure what to say anymore. There's so much to say, always but i just feel like i ramble.
Today i felt this urge to write simply because i'm not sure i know who i am still. I'm so inhibited when it comes to everything and it kills me to know that people who are younger than me have a better grip on who they are and what they like, or want. I suppose i should just get over it and i will, it just needs to hurt for a moment while i grow up. idk
For example, when it comes to sex i couldn't simply say that i'm submissive. And then i feel like it has to do with the way people treat me, something that has def been a huge discussion and matter of confusion for me. and Lisa. I realized that she and Kristian are different, different than everyone else i've ever met. The funny thing is, i feel like they simply treat me like an adult. Not some cracked piece of glass that will shatter at a harsh tone or suggestion. Most people act like they're just putting up with me, protecting me, raising me ... i can't even begin to go into it. The people that talk big, that influence the majority.. they'll back down with me. I'm not like, all intimidating or anything, so it prolly doesn't always happen .. but they always seem to be the ones that disappoint me. A boss of mine, both of them actually, let me down a lot. Kristi was the hardass, she was supposed to whip me into shape and make sure i was a good agm by giving me constructive criticism but instead she watched me rage once and just watched me drown. The other two under her were damn fine AGMs and i would've given anything to be half as good. Seth was the laid back one, he was just supposed to reach out and slap me across the face when i fucked up. Instead, he gave up and then gave up on his own job.
Earlier this year i got a little bit of news that bothered me. And all of this, combined with ex-boyfriends/friends got me thinking, what is it about me that does this? why do i do this to people? and is anyone ever going to tell me to knock my shit off so i know? No, of course not. I suppose i should learn the mistake on my own, but it would obviously help me understand.
Anyway, its been like an hr since i started this. I get so long winded. The bottom line is i see these young women and it makes me sad that i didn't seem to let myself grow until about 5 yrs ago or so. I really feel like i've done the most growing the last 10 yrs. I also feel like i just finished having years and years of mental breakdowns. i know that all my issues are my doing and i have to undo them.
Its so cliche, but i've grown. I'm still unstable, but its not so obvious now. My relationship is the best i've ever had, we don't fight or ignore shit. We talk and have already gotten to the point where he says he's not going anywhere. I'm still amazed that he still likes me as much as he does, no one; not even friends have still liked me this much after this long. I know i've changed, but i'm still me. At least i'm straight with him, he knows when i'm pissed and he knows why. i'm not about to play any bullshit games with him, if i want him to feel bad and apologize or stop his behavior, then i'm gonna tell him what i think about it and how its making me feel. That works for us. Of course i want more from him and worry that he won't be enough, but he's the best i'll ever have and i'll always want more, i'm a woman. lol, i'll never be satisfied. But at least i'm up front.
I've also prolly got the best friend in the world. She means the world to me and i feel like as long as i never call her my BFF to her face, i won't jinx it. Its like the kiss of death once i tell someone that. Its not even a year later that we're drifting apart or we just suddenly stop hanging out together all the time. I'm honest with her, even if it makes me ashamed. Shame? yes, b/c who wants to let anyone else in the world know just how much they mean when you aren't even sure that they feel anywhere near that way about you. And yet, she does. She's just as worried about us drifting as i am and i don't feel childish telling her. i don't worry about her thinking i'm being idiotic or clingy. I hope she'd tell me. And that's how i live my life now, the bane of my existence; my hope is the only thing that has consistently gotten me through shit. Its not true that all i can do is hope, but it helps. I realize its all choices now and i've made the wrong ones for so long. I have a better idea now. I just hope i make better choices and keep appreciating what i've got. As tragic as i've made things, i have a good life. I've learned and i want to learn more.
Today i felt this urge to write simply because i'm not sure i know who i am still. I'm so inhibited when it comes to everything and it kills me to know that people who are younger than me have a better grip on who they are and what they like, or want. I suppose i should just get over it and i will, it just needs to hurt for a moment while i grow up. idk
For example, when it comes to sex i couldn't simply say that i'm submissive. And then i feel like it has to do with the way people treat me, something that has def been a huge discussion and matter of confusion for me. and Lisa. I realized that she and Kristian are different, different than everyone else i've ever met. The funny thing is, i feel like they simply treat me like an adult. Not some cracked piece of glass that will shatter at a harsh tone or suggestion. Most people act like they're just putting up with me, protecting me, raising me ... i can't even begin to go into it. The people that talk big, that influence the majority.. they'll back down with me. I'm not like, all intimidating or anything, so it prolly doesn't always happen .. but they always seem to be the ones that disappoint me. A boss of mine, both of them actually, let me down a lot. Kristi was the hardass, she was supposed to whip me into shape and make sure i was a good agm by giving me constructive criticism but instead she watched me rage once and just watched me drown. The other two under her were damn fine AGMs and i would've given anything to be half as good. Seth was the laid back one, he was just supposed to reach out and slap me across the face when i fucked up. Instead, he gave up and then gave up on his own job.
Earlier this year i got a little bit of news that bothered me. And all of this, combined with ex-boyfriends/friends got me thinking, what is it about me that does this? why do i do this to people? and is anyone ever going to tell me to knock my shit off so i know? No, of course not. I suppose i should learn the mistake on my own, but it would obviously help me understand.
Anyway, its been like an hr since i started this. I get so long winded. The bottom line is i see these young women and it makes me sad that i didn't seem to let myself grow until about 5 yrs ago or so. I really feel like i've done the most growing the last 10 yrs. I also feel like i just finished having years and years of mental breakdowns. i know that all my issues are my doing and i have to undo them.
Its so cliche, but i've grown. I'm still unstable, but its not so obvious now. My relationship is the best i've ever had, we don't fight or ignore shit. We talk and have already gotten to the point where he says he's not going anywhere. I'm still amazed that he still likes me as much as he does, no one; not even friends have still liked me this much after this long. I know i've changed, but i'm still me. At least i'm straight with him, he knows when i'm pissed and he knows why. i'm not about to play any bullshit games with him, if i want him to feel bad and apologize or stop his behavior, then i'm gonna tell him what i think about it and how its making me feel. That works for us. Of course i want more from him and worry that he won't be enough, but he's the best i'll ever have and i'll always want more, i'm a woman. lol, i'll never be satisfied. But at least i'm up front.
I've also prolly got the best friend in the world. She means the world to me and i feel like as long as i never call her my BFF to her face, i won't jinx it. Its like the kiss of death once i tell someone that. Its not even a year later that we're drifting apart or we just suddenly stop hanging out together all the time. I'm honest with her, even if it makes me ashamed. Shame? yes, b/c who wants to let anyone else in the world know just how much they mean when you aren't even sure that they feel anywhere near that way about you. And yet, she does. She's just as worried about us drifting as i am and i don't feel childish telling her. i don't worry about her thinking i'm being idiotic or clingy. I hope she'd tell me. And that's how i live my life now, the bane of my existence; my hope is the only thing that has consistently gotten me through shit. Its not true that all i can do is hope, but it helps. I realize its all choices now and i've made the wrong ones for so long. I have a better idea now. I just hope i make better choices and keep appreciating what i've got. As tragic as i've made things, i have a good life. I've learned and i want to learn more.