Can you stake my heart?!!
I've just been away. away from the internet. I'm trying to take a break from my life. It isn't hard. It's fucking cake. It's been two months, i think i'm officially off my meds. like, i'm pretty sure that they're completely out of my system. So i'm a mess. i can't get in to get more meds UNTIL i see my pysch. which i can't until april b/c he went to half days. My session is only 5 fucking mins long. but ... lately, they've gotten slightly longer. i don't feel good anymore. not even normal bad. like depressed all the time. i don't know what's wrong anymore. i just wanna go back to effexor, ambien/benedryl, and like ... those two other pills and just weed. i was just so much happier a couple of years ago on those. i think the stress from me hating my job, the mixed signs from my boyfriend, my weight and my isolation is just getting to me.
for the bad days, i need pills. or weed. if i'm not working, i'm smokin. which has been giving me a headache. when i take pills, i L O V E my job. oh yea. i think i have a crush on someone at work. which kinda works out cuz .... i hardly ever see him. so i'm crushin, but it's not too serious. i think i just like him cuz he's itty bitty. woot.
i just can barely be outside or awake for 5 mins without fucking crying. plus, marc is having a really hard time right now. i think i'm gonna have to move up my trip. i think he's drinking all the time now and he found his dads shotgun. i don't plan on saving him. it's up to him, he's thinking of taking medication. i just want him to know that he still means something to me and there'll always be someone in california that loves him.
As far as shawn is concerned, i love him so much. and things are so fucking complicated. he says i worry too much. he's just so tired all the time. feels stressed and gross and depressed. and it feels like he's just so tired of me. and i always feel stupid b/c i try to be funny. but i'm not. not on purpose. hearing him laugh is so awesome to me. he makes me laugh so much all the time.
oops .. time to go. <33
for the bad days, i need pills. or weed. if i'm not working, i'm smokin. which has been giving me a headache. when i take pills, i L O V E my job. oh yea. i think i have a crush on someone at work. which kinda works out cuz .... i hardly ever see him. so i'm crushin, but it's not too serious. i think i just like him cuz he's itty bitty. woot.
i just can barely be outside or awake for 5 mins without fucking crying. plus, marc is having a really hard time right now. i think i'm gonna have to move up my trip. i think he's drinking all the time now and he found his dads shotgun. i don't plan on saving him. it's up to him, he's thinking of taking medication. i just want him to know that he still means something to me and there'll always be someone in california that loves him.
As far as shawn is concerned, i love him so much. and things are so fucking complicated. he says i worry too much. he's just so tired all the time. feels stressed and gross and depressed. and it feels like he's just so tired of me. and i always feel stupid b/c i try to be funny. but i'm not. not on purpose. hearing him laugh is so awesome to me. he makes me laugh so much all the time.
oops .. time to go. <33