Self reflection
So time and time again I've been accused of being stoic or detached from situations around in my life. I've known that for some time, because I've had this internal struggle with my self prior. When I've been to funerals it never bothered me. Even the last one my uncle ken's. Maybe it was I was never really close to him... I mean I talked to him at family gatherings and all, but it didn't bother me a bit. It just felt like a typical day.
So here's the deal. My grandma's in the hospital because of a stroke, and she's doing quite bad... I mean quite bad. She's in a rehab center and all. She just took an extremly rapid decline in the last month or so. She couldn't go to the bathroom at the time, or even talk coherently. She forgot how to answer a phone and all. She heard it ring, but didn't know how to pick it up...
Inside I'm like "it is what it is", but outside I know I should feel something... I mean I was relatively close to her...
This is a letter I just wrote to her a few months ago for a gift from the family...
A thick silence hangs in the air like a fog which I freely allow to rap around my mind. All that could be heard is the hypnotic hum that eminates from my computer. I allow the tether holding my mind in place to snap and I slowly drift back to the past.
It was mid-july of 96 and I prepared for what awaited me on this day. I was going to move from the "place" in to a new home... home? If memory serves me right I met you when I entered the car! Do you recall that day? I don't remember much about that day except two things. First I remember breaking a tree branch outside of Chris's house, and the other was that you gave me something. Do you remember what you gave me? I'll help your memory. You gave me a beanny baby! It was a tiger by the name of stripes. I kept that tiger for years to come. I tell myself I kept it because I loved tigers, but to tell you the truth I believe I kept it for more than that. I feel that there were underlying reasons I kept that thing. Maybe it was for security reasons, I guess we'll never know.
That was when our relationship began. Do you remember our debates? You and I argued like we were the smartest people on earth. The funny thing is I don't recall a thing we argued about... I do remember you contacted a place called Hadley for the blind? You felt I should be a lawyer. Not a teacher like the others, but a lawyer. I still sometimes think law would be a good route for me. I actually held that career choice in my heart for the longest time. You told me that you had spoken to a lawyer who was blind at Hadley, do you remember that?
Do you remember that you use to slave over math with me in highschool? I know now two things; 1 you hate math and weren't good at it, and 2 you put yourself through that for me. I remember trying to solve problems with you for hours and hours. I guess thats the teacher in you. Thanks muchly for that!!
Do you remember that I use to write for you? You told me you'd give a dollar for every page I'd write cuz you said I had a gift! Gift? Ability? Noone ever told me that!! Do you know how many times I wished that a teacher would tell me that? I threw open the floodgates of my mind and allowed poetry to flow as if it were a dam allowing all of the waters to burst forth. I hungered to write, and make a few bucks on the side.
The money portion was soon dismanteled by mom, but I still wrote. I practically wrote everyday for months to come. Did you know I wrote in highschool? I was even president of the poetry magazine. I just didn't write for leisure, but I wrote to heal. In fact, I still write. I still have all of my poems and writings from the beginning.
I recall a time sitting with you in mom's van and you told me that I was a masochist because I wanted to play football and wrestle. Do you remember that? You said I loved pain. Looking back on that I feel it was a safe way to let my aggression out. Do you remember the rocky set you bought me? It consisted of all 5 movies. I know you didn't do that for you but me!! Then there was the time that mom got mad at you for letting me watch forest gump! I was so oblivious!! I was the image of pure innocence. Just playing!! I know you still have that note I wrote you for your birthday!!
As mentioned previously the thing I take with me the most is the gift of writing. Its my way of expressing my self when life gets to overwhelming. The pen always seems to find the words to say when I can't.
Before I wrote this I had someone read me the things everyone else wrote in your book. They wrote, you accept people with all of their flaws and blemishes. I would like to think I've always had that, but if not, then I've learned that from you. If I've learned that from you then that is the greatest success you've had in my life.
Her words are tendrals sliding to your very essence,
teaching of love and acceptance.
Her song is that of the siren,
entrancing you to see life through the eyes of one much wiser than yourself.
Her faith is that of a child,
allowing you to dream bigger than life itself.
Her words are from the well spring of life,
drunk in by those in search of wisdom.
Her song is that of the purest form,
its melody encouraging the broken spirit.
Her faith is that of the strongest light,
illuminating the path for those who've lost their way.
Her heart is that of the purest air,
bringing life to all around.
Her soul is cut from the same cloth as the angels,
for who can deny her unwavering kindness.
Her love is the hands of time,
limitless, without end, or beginning and for all to enjoy.
Love
Rich.
I still haven't seen her yet. Every bit of me knows I should feel something but I don't...
To other news... Dan's got a full time job in a factory!! I'm so happy it worked out. A slow steady climb from the bottom, keep on movin bro from the life you once knew!!
I often tell my self that I don't usually feel because its my way of adapting to situations.
The first time hurts, but after I experience something I'm ready for it. I'm aware of how it feels so therefore it don't phase me.
Break ups don't bother me any more because I'm aware of how it feels. Even when my bro went to jail for the first time I was numb. I walked around life like a zombie. When it happened again, I didn't mind as much, it was just part of the way things were. I wish I just wasn't always so calyst.
So I realized I love the !! mark!! I use it all the time... I was tempted to use it on that last sentence and this one as well... Lol!!
My grandma's an awesome woman, I wouldn't want any other. Doesn't that sound corney?? Don't answer that it was a rhetorical question.
One month and done with school!!
Peace and smiles, Blindgod!!
Dude I forgot my phone at work. I also need to run. Anyway, I'm out!
Rich!!
So here's the deal. My grandma's in the hospital because of a stroke, and she's doing quite bad... I mean quite bad. She's in a rehab center and all. She just took an extremly rapid decline in the last month or so. She couldn't go to the bathroom at the time, or even talk coherently. She forgot how to answer a phone and all. She heard it ring, but didn't know how to pick it up...
Inside I'm like "it is what it is", but outside I know I should feel something... I mean I was relatively close to her...
This is a letter I just wrote to her a few months ago for a gift from the family...
A thick silence hangs in the air like a fog which I freely allow to rap around my mind. All that could be heard is the hypnotic hum that eminates from my computer. I allow the tether holding my mind in place to snap and I slowly drift back to the past.
It was mid-july of 96 and I prepared for what awaited me on this day. I was going to move from the "place" in to a new home... home? If memory serves me right I met you when I entered the car! Do you recall that day? I don't remember much about that day except two things. First I remember breaking a tree branch outside of Chris's house, and the other was that you gave me something. Do you remember what you gave me? I'll help your memory. You gave me a beanny baby! It was a tiger by the name of stripes. I kept that tiger for years to come. I tell myself I kept it because I loved tigers, but to tell you the truth I believe I kept it for more than that. I feel that there were underlying reasons I kept that thing. Maybe it was for security reasons, I guess we'll never know.
That was when our relationship began. Do you remember our debates? You and I argued like we were the smartest people on earth. The funny thing is I don't recall a thing we argued about... I do remember you contacted a place called Hadley for the blind? You felt I should be a lawyer. Not a teacher like the others, but a lawyer. I still sometimes think law would be a good route for me. I actually held that career choice in my heart for the longest time. You told me that you had spoken to a lawyer who was blind at Hadley, do you remember that?
Do you remember that you use to slave over math with me in highschool? I know now two things; 1 you hate math and weren't good at it, and 2 you put yourself through that for me. I remember trying to solve problems with you for hours and hours. I guess thats the teacher in you. Thanks muchly for that!!
Do you remember that I use to write for you? You told me you'd give a dollar for every page I'd write cuz you said I had a gift! Gift? Ability? Noone ever told me that!! Do you know how many times I wished that a teacher would tell me that? I threw open the floodgates of my mind and allowed poetry to flow as if it were a dam allowing all of the waters to burst forth. I hungered to write, and make a few bucks on the side.
The money portion was soon dismanteled by mom, but I still wrote. I practically wrote everyday for months to come. Did you know I wrote in highschool? I was even president of the poetry magazine. I just didn't write for leisure, but I wrote to heal. In fact, I still write. I still have all of my poems and writings from the beginning.
I recall a time sitting with you in mom's van and you told me that I was a masochist because I wanted to play football and wrestle. Do you remember that? You said I loved pain. Looking back on that I feel it was a safe way to let my aggression out. Do you remember the rocky set you bought me? It consisted of all 5 movies. I know you didn't do that for you but me!! Then there was the time that mom got mad at you for letting me watch forest gump! I was so oblivious!! I was the image of pure innocence. Just playing!! I know you still have that note I wrote you for your birthday!!
As mentioned previously the thing I take with me the most is the gift of writing. Its my way of expressing my self when life gets to overwhelming. The pen always seems to find the words to say when I can't.
Before I wrote this I had someone read me the things everyone else wrote in your book. They wrote, you accept people with all of their flaws and blemishes. I would like to think I've always had that, but if not, then I've learned that from you. If I've learned that from you then that is the greatest success you've had in my life.
Her words are tendrals sliding to your very essence,
teaching of love and acceptance.
Her song is that of the siren,
entrancing you to see life through the eyes of one much wiser than yourself.
Her faith is that of a child,
allowing you to dream bigger than life itself.
Her words are from the well spring of life,
drunk in by those in search of wisdom.
Her song is that of the purest form,
its melody encouraging the broken spirit.
Her faith is that of the strongest light,
illuminating the path for those who've lost their way.
Her heart is that of the purest air,
bringing life to all around.
Her soul is cut from the same cloth as the angels,
for who can deny her unwavering kindness.
Her love is the hands of time,
limitless, without end, or beginning and for all to enjoy.
Love
Rich.
I still haven't seen her yet. Every bit of me knows I should feel something but I don't...
To other news... Dan's got a full time job in a factory!! I'm so happy it worked out. A slow steady climb from the bottom, keep on movin bro from the life you once knew!!
I often tell my self that I don't usually feel because its my way of adapting to situations.
The first time hurts, but after I experience something I'm ready for it. I'm aware of how it feels so therefore it don't phase me.
Break ups don't bother me any more because I'm aware of how it feels. Even when my bro went to jail for the first time I was numb. I walked around life like a zombie. When it happened again, I didn't mind as much, it was just part of the way things were. I wish I just wasn't always so calyst.
So I realized I love the !! mark!! I use it all the time... I was tempted to use it on that last sentence and this one as well... Lol!!
My grandma's an awesome woman, I wouldn't want any other. Doesn't that sound corney?? Don't answer that it was a rhetorical question.
One month and done with school!!
Peace and smiles, Blindgod!!
Dude I forgot my phone at work. I also need to run. Anyway, I'm out!
Rich!!