The point
Isn't the point of it all to carry this forward? Perhaps the bio-clock has been ringing in my ears a little too much lately. I've been racked by thoughts of parenting for a good swath of months now.
I know! It's not scary...well other than you know being responsible for a life and all that, it's becoming more a matter of when not if. What's that you say? Well of course I recall i'm a lesbian, what's that got to do with anything? Oh, yeah well there's that, but that is only the appearances of a roadblock.
I hesitate, for the moment, for a variety of reasons....the biggest of which I'll share with the world, because I'm ok with it. My desire to be a parent is immediately followed by the desire to have a co-parent- of the male variety. I'm not one of those lesbionic gals who hate men , heck I don't even dislike 'em. I just like girls a lot more. My desire to have pops in the mix is a direct result of my own m.i.a father for the first few years of my life. That goodness that my step-dad showed up, I'm so blessed and grateful for all he taught (and still teaches) me- i miss you Dad. My formative years were sans male influences-other than brothers. It's just my way, my thing, but for me, I'd like that. The other part of course is support.
The other part to this is that I'm not really willing to wait too much longer. I felt like I've been waiting all my life, wait for the other shoe to drop, someone to appear and sweep me away into domestic bliss, waiting, waiting , waiting. Well there seems to be no big signal that will happen for me, so on I go.
I have this image in my mind of how things could be, but perhaps that's not possible, so i'm dealing with the current moment. This idea is fraught with questions. How would it work, being a girl who likes girls, with a kid and pops in the picture? If history proves true then I can tell you my already non-existent social life will be vaporized and the chances of meeting someone who is ok with a girl and a child and pops , is assuming too much. i supposed I should care about all of that, or what people will think...I could care less, really. My thinking is, my social life couldn't really get much more boring and uneventful than it is. That's not a sob story, it's just sort of the way it's played out. Waht about the logistics of it all? work. school, child rearing, can it happen? My take is anything can happen, it just ain't easy.
i've been moved by the writings of Joriel (of the Ben and Joriel) http://www.ballsyblog.com/ as of late. They are expecting and I'm over the moon! As I see the men (and women) I have known and loved in my formative years grow into adults, and expand into families, it makes me yearn that much more for, well, more. But more than that they got hitched, legally speaking, and I applaud and respect that decision. How would that situation play out in my world, I wonder? Tough position to be in, i'm glad they took the steps for themselves to do what is truly the right thing.
I've been thinking long and hard about what purpose graduate school plays in my life, and I've slowly started to see the implications for myself, and formulating a way forward. All this depends upon my performance of course,but I do believe that I will shoot for PhD as a second career. This executive assistant crap is just that. I cannot, however, dismiss the gig in terms of it's monetary value. there is the concern about being an old bitty just starting in academia and the idea of tenure, but that's not in my control, as far as I can see. My experience in LA proved that age IS a factor in all we do and all I can do is my best and understand the situation as best I can. I left LA because there was not a chance in hades of "rising" through the ranks, because I was about 10 years too old to be a beginner. Is academia the same, probably, but there are ways and things to do (I think) that I can work around it- I'm more comfortable in the academic environment- it' s more fun, but no less cut-throat.
If I can move to LA and live for 18 months without any steady work,being judged by my looks (e.g., not a size 2 or 5'8") and survive that eat-your-young- mentality, I can survive anything at all.
Ok I've procrastinated enough, time to go read and work.
Sunday...just before Monday- oy....
I know! It's not scary...well other than you know being responsible for a life and all that, it's becoming more a matter of when not if. What's that you say? Well of course I recall i'm a lesbian, what's that got to do with anything? Oh, yeah well there's that, but that is only the appearances of a roadblock.
I hesitate, for the moment, for a variety of reasons....the biggest of which I'll share with the world, because I'm ok with it. My desire to be a parent is immediately followed by the desire to have a co-parent- of the male variety. I'm not one of those lesbionic gals who hate men , heck I don't even dislike 'em. I just like girls a lot more. My desire to have pops in the mix is a direct result of my own m.i.a father for the first few years of my life. That goodness that my step-dad showed up, I'm so blessed and grateful for all he taught (and still teaches) me- i miss you Dad. My formative years were sans male influences-other than brothers. It's just my way, my thing, but for me, I'd like that. The other part of course is support.
The other part to this is that I'm not really willing to wait too much longer. I felt like I've been waiting all my life, wait for the other shoe to drop, someone to appear and sweep me away into domestic bliss, waiting, waiting , waiting. Well there seems to be no big signal that will happen for me, so on I go.
I have this image in my mind of how things could be, but perhaps that's not possible, so i'm dealing with the current moment. This idea is fraught with questions. How would it work, being a girl who likes girls, with a kid and pops in the picture? If history proves true then I can tell you my already non-existent social life will be vaporized and the chances of meeting someone who is ok with a girl and a child and pops , is assuming too much. i supposed I should care about all of that, or what people will think...I could care less, really. My thinking is, my social life couldn't really get much more boring and uneventful than it is. That's not a sob story, it's just sort of the way it's played out. Waht about the logistics of it all? work. school, child rearing, can it happen? My take is anything can happen, it just ain't easy.
i've been moved by the writings of Joriel (of the Ben and Joriel) http://www.ballsyblog.com/ as of late. They are expecting and I'm over the moon! As I see the men (and women) I have known and loved in my formative years grow into adults, and expand into families, it makes me yearn that much more for, well, more. But more than that they got hitched, legally speaking, and I applaud and respect that decision. How would that situation play out in my world, I wonder? Tough position to be in, i'm glad they took the steps for themselves to do what is truly the right thing.
I've been thinking long and hard about what purpose graduate school plays in my life, and I've slowly started to see the implications for myself, and formulating a way forward. All this depends upon my performance of course,but I do believe that I will shoot for PhD as a second career. This executive assistant crap is just that. I cannot, however, dismiss the gig in terms of it's monetary value. there is the concern about being an old bitty just starting in academia and the idea of tenure, but that's not in my control, as far as I can see. My experience in LA proved that age IS a factor in all we do and all I can do is my best and understand the situation as best I can. I left LA because there was not a chance in hades of "rising" through the ranks, because I was about 10 years too old to be a beginner. Is academia the same, probably, but there are ways and things to do (I think) that I can work around it- I'm more comfortable in the academic environment- it' s more fun, but no less cut-throat.
If I can move to LA and live for 18 months without any steady work,being judged by my looks (e.g., not a size 2 or 5'8") and survive that eat-your-young- mentality, I can survive anything at all.
Ok I've procrastinated enough, time to go read and work.
Sunday...just before Monday- oy....