a long talk with my parents
I just had a long talk with mom and dad. I'm not quite happy living here in Eppendorf. That is, it is ok, I can handle, but it's not the best idea of life for me. My mother said, if I wanted I should get myself a place in some assisted living project. I agreed with that. But my dad is afraid that I might "drown" when I am on my own again.
I'm not quite sure what I should think. I believe the assisted living appartment is a good idea, but in a sense my dad is right, I will encounter difficulties and I am not entirely stable so coping with the difficulties will mean a challenge.
Psychically, my greatest problem these days is that I feel isolated and lonely. I do have my parents and I cherish them, but still the feeling lingers. It feels like nobody really can understand me. My friend Indira once said that to think I can understand someone else is presumptous and wrong. I get where she's coming from, but I have this notion in me that once at least some people understood me, saw my urgent needs, loved me. I mean, when I was little I had fever and nightmares sometimes, but my mom knew a trick that always helped me. It always felt wonderful when mom helped me out of the nightmares, and so I trusted and felt approbriately understood. She saw my pain and delivered me, that was understanding for me.
I've had this happen at other times in my life too. Small, usually isolated incidents. But they were there.
I also think God understands me. Sometimes He has broken through to me very strongly. It was wonderful. But from these encounters I also learned that I need to be mindful of God, remembering that obedience really is a must. I mean, one time many years ago I was laying in bed, thoroughly terrified of voices I was hearing and not knowing how to handle the fears that were plaguing me. Then I prayed, Father Jesus, help me, and suddenly I saw before my eyes a nest with little birds in it, all of them with open beaks, and chirping for food. The same day I went out into the park and met a very kind old man with whom I talked for a while. My mistake then was to insist on my pain, that before I would do anything I wanted to have all of my pain removed. That was a big mistake. I've learned that Jesus usually doesn't seem to take your pain away, but if you trust Him and treat Him with love and respect, He will influence your life such that gradually pain subsides. Without you trusting Him, Jesus only gives you the usual blessings, the rain, sunshine, etc, but if you want help from Jesus in a personal relationship you must care about the trust requirement. It's not that hard actually, but our minds are unused to trusting so we don't always know what it is.
It seems to me, if I want understanding, I have to try to understand others. God understands me, but He also wants me to understand Him, that I understand not just in my head, but in my heart, that God is the sustainer of life and that I must not have reservations about Him.
So my decision is this: I must start investigating my options in moving out, but I must turn to God with these things. Only He can make sure that I won't drown in loneliness or inability to handle life. I must be completely willing to be obedient in all things.
I'm not quite sure what I should think. I believe the assisted living appartment is a good idea, but in a sense my dad is right, I will encounter difficulties and I am not entirely stable so coping with the difficulties will mean a challenge.
Psychically, my greatest problem these days is that I feel isolated and lonely. I do have my parents and I cherish them, but still the feeling lingers. It feels like nobody really can understand me. My friend Indira once said that to think I can understand someone else is presumptous and wrong. I get where she's coming from, but I have this notion in me that once at least some people understood me, saw my urgent needs, loved me. I mean, when I was little I had fever and nightmares sometimes, but my mom knew a trick that always helped me. It always felt wonderful when mom helped me out of the nightmares, and so I trusted and felt approbriately understood. She saw my pain and delivered me, that was understanding for me.
I've had this happen at other times in my life too. Small, usually isolated incidents. But they were there.
I also think God understands me. Sometimes He has broken through to me very strongly. It was wonderful. But from these encounters I also learned that I need to be mindful of God, remembering that obedience really is a must. I mean, one time many years ago I was laying in bed, thoroughly terrified of voices I was hearing and not knowing how to handle the fears that were plaguing me. Then I prayed, Father Jesus, help me, and suddenly I saw before my eyes a nest with little birds in it, all of them with open beaks, and chirping for food. The same day I went out into the park and met a very kind old man with whom I talked for a while. My mistake then was to insist on my pain, that before I would do anything I wanted to have all of my pain removed. That was a big mistake. I've learned that Jesus usually doesn't seem to take your pain away, but if you trust Him and treat Him with love and respect, He will influence your life such that gradually pain subsides. Without you trusting Him, Jesus only gives you the usual blessings, the rain, sunshine, etc, but if you want help from Jesus in a personal relationship you must care about the trust requirement. It's not that hard actually, but our minds are unused to trusting so we don't always know what it is.
It seems to me, if I want understanding, I have to try to understand others. God understands me, but He also wants me to understand Him, that I understand not just in my head, but in my heart, that God is the sustainer of life and that I must not have reservations about Him.
So my decision is this: I must start investigating my options in moving out, but I must turn to God with these things. Only He can make sure that I won't drown in loneliness or inability to handle life. I must be completely willing to be obedient in all things.