a wonderful afternoon
Today we went by car to the Kriebstein Talsperre, a big reservoir sea about an hour away from where we live. It was wonderful ... really wonderful. I have some real good memories about me and my parents going for vacation there. And today when we went on a boat trip in the reservoir, I got to be alone for a while in a small quiet corner of the boat, that had a huge window, and some of those memories came back, and surprise, surprise, even some of the old feelings came back. The whole feeling that life is a deep mystery, not something entirely benevolent, but not something you would be afraid of, and something that would always inspire a lot of fascination with life, and a will to accept it, like the wild melody of freedom. I remember a time when I was completely untouched still by these perversions of transvestism, when I was as heterosexual as one can get, and loved it, never desiring something else, not for anything in the world, when a girl had so much mystery about her, yet also so much of something which made her acquainted to me, the kind of mix of the unknown and the well known which Chesterton writes people are always looking for.
It's so easy to mistake the feelings for a deep experience of self, and I'm not really sure if at the end this is true or not. Perhaps it is included, there was self awakening, but also an awakening of the awareness of the other, of other people, of the beauty of the world, perhaps a slight sense of the tragedy of destiny that will sometimes sweep people and what is dear to them, under the rug of time, with nothing but a vain shrug and a parting gift, the hope for God, for some benevolent force in the universe to take notice of the pain and the ensuing melancholy, that it would let fall a drop of grace into the obscure bowl full of the darkness of living.
I wish back then I would have had a touch of the wisdom that I now have gathered from many bad experiences, a knowing that things go past and that we must enter life through every door that opens to us, no matter how narrow and tight it is. But perhaps I already have entered life through a narrow gate ... I did not shun away from the tough stuff, not for long anyway, and even while I am not there yet fully, I have repented.
Some people think that morality, which I would dub as the learning from experience to value some things more than yourself, is just an irritating and disturbing old hag, but this is not the truth. Morality needs wisdom and some generosity, yes, but overall it is an important topic in life. As a youth I would likely have laughed about it, wouldn't have remembered such words for long anyway. But I'm not a youth anymore ... I've become middle aged already.
But besides the moral sense, which comes back to me again and again through my fear of God, I've also become more robust, more able to remain more independent from people that do me no good. But the call to be wise never ceases. God created the world with wisdom as its engineer, and so you need to be wise if you want to live well in the world. Fortunately, we know that God gives wisdom abundantly, if you believe ... it is sent to us just like the love, the joy, the patience and the other fruits of life with Him.
It's so easy to mistake the feelings for a deep experience of self, and I'm not really sure if at the end this is true or not. Perhaps it is included, there was self awakening, but also an awakening of the awareness of the other, of other people, of the beauty of the world, perhaps a slight sense of the tragedy of destiny that will sometimes sweep people and what is dear to them, under the rug of time, with nothing but a vain shrug and a parting gift, the hope for God, for some benevolent force in the universe to take notice of the pain and the ensuing melancholy, that it would let fall a drop of grace into the obscure bowl full of the darkness of living.
I wish back then I would have had a touch of the wisdom that I now have gathered from many bad experiences, a knowing that things go past and that we must enter life through every door that opens to us, no matter how narrow and tight it is. But perhaps I already have entered life through a narrow gate ... I did not shun away from the tough stuff, not for long anyway, and even while I am not there yet fully, I have repented.
Some people think that morality, which I would dub as the learning from experience to value some things more than yourself, is just an irritating and disturbing old hag, but this is not the truth. Morality needs wisdom and some generosity, yes, but overall it is an important topic in life. As a youth I would likely have laughed about it, wouldn't have remembered such words for long anyway. But I'm not a youth anymore ... I've become middle aged already.
But besides the moral sense, which comes back to me again and again through my fear of God, I've also become more robust, more able to remain more independent from people that do me no good. But the call to be wise never ceases. God created the world with wisdom as its engineer, and so you need to be wise if you want to live well in the world. Fortunately, we know that God gives wisdom abundantly, if you believe ... it is sent to us just like the love, the joy, the patience and the other fruits of life with Him.