Clarity?
Okay, so my idea is that I will create some characters using my role-playing books, and use those fleshed-out character sheets to organize my thoughts so I can write stories about them. See, my biggest problem that stands in the way of me being able to do anything is organization. When I get ideas my thoughts go too fast for me to keep track of it all, or even get a clear picture of what I'm thinking. And in these past few years, it has gotten so bad that I am rarely able to even start any projects anymore.
It's all frustrating, but I'm trying to push forward. I am attempting to capitalize on the mental stimulation of my recent psych-testing, to try something new. I am trying to make my own "super-hero world". I want the stories I write about it to be a cross between a novel & a comic-book. It'll be a challenge (as everything is, these days), but it's one I'm looking forward to. I have a few characters in mind, already. I'm going to use some characters that I had previously made for role-playing purposes. I just need to flesh them out, and 'tweak' them a bit. It's been days, and I'm still pretty excited about this idea. I like that.
My friends might be coming over Saturday. So, I want to see if I am up to playing Rushtya. It would make me happy if we played. I just wish I was able to "let go" like I used to. Though, that really isn't the problem. The problem is [once again] organization. I can't get my thoughts together, so I never end up planning ahead. Spontaneity is good. But it's only good if you put the necessary work in before hand. And that's what I'm never able to do. That is why I always get bummed-out after we play. I'm never satisfied, because I never able to put forth my best effort. And to me, it's better to not play than to not do as well as I could.
Yes, it's "just a game". But it's a game I created. And I take pride in that. In my mind it's all so vivid. And the guys spent a lot of time on their characters. (some more than others) I just want . . . It's hard to explain. For a while, I thought I might have felt competitive. As if I wanted to "do better than Gerald or Ben", or something. But that's not it. Their DM'ing doesn't even enter into it. I just want to do my best. I've never really felt that before. Actually, I've never EVER felt that before about anything. It never occurred to me in school, because school was never about achieving, to me. It was merely about learning. So, when I could nolonger learn in school, it became a meaningless waste of time to be there. That's why I dropped-out. Hell, the only reason I went for my G.E.D. was because I thought I'd fail the initial tests, and get to go for the ten-week course. I figured, after being out of any real educational environment for the three or so years it was back then, that I'd have no chance to pass the test. I welcomed the challenge, though. But they had notes in the front cover of the test-booklet. It was like an open-book test. I may have a learning-disability & I can pass an open-book test. So, I view my G.E.D. as a pointless piece of paper. It means nothing in the world I'm in. It doesn't help me at all. I really did just want to be in school. Even when I was younger.
The only problem was that I tended to dislike my classmates. Something about the constant taunts & daily beatings just put me off of people my age. I don't know why that is.
So I'm stuck. I am a "man" without a generation. I'm nothing like other people my age. They're all building their lives, now. So, I can't relate to them. (I never could) And I'm getting too old to be able to relate to people younger than me. The feelings they feel I've already faced. So, a conversation with a younger person usually devolves into me going on about their problems. And them thinking I'm a pompous wind-bag. (because I am) But that's something I've come to terms with. I've always been like that, so I've accepted it. So, friends with younger people doesn't work. Friends with older people doesn't work either, because of that whole past thing with the schooling. The consensus between therapists & myself is that I nolonger feel I can trust older people because the adults around me did nothing when I went to them for help with my "people problems" during school. So, I don't trust people who are older than me. That has nothing to do with my mother because I never told her what had happened to me until I was pretty much out of school already.
Anyway. . . I'm glad I started this Live Journal, because it's a place where I don't have to screen things the way I feel have to with my Dear Diary -- Diary. No ex-girlfriends will be reading this. So, I don't have to feel as though I'm being spied on. And I don't have to worry about their entitlement bullshit. I realize it's my fault for directing people in my life to my diary in the first place. And for being as open & detailed in it. But that's just how I am. My diaries are done in language I use in my everyday life.
Except I say the word 'coose' a lot more in real life.
I'm the type of person that give too much information. I can't keep things bottle-up the way I used to. Because ... well, I lived that life. And I barely survived it.
But here, I don't have to worry about complaining about something Tara may have said, and finding an email in my inbox the next day bitching about how she's tired of hurting my feelings. And here, I don't have to worry about Anastasia leaving little private unauthenticated comments once every three to six months, whenever she feels like poking my corpse with a stick for her personal amusement. I mean, if she wanted to actually be friends she would talk to me. She wouldn't leave comments saying, "oh, I don't know if you remember me but, you can talk to me if you want". And then ignoring my emails and IMs and making me feel like some creepy stalker-guy.
Yeah. That rant felt good. I needed to get that out. The good thing about talking to ex-girlfriends, is that it helps me suppress the feeling of "if only I could get back together with ___". I talked to Tara last night. She sent me an email her husband sent to her, so I could read it. And then she called so we could make fun of him, I guess. It's funny because secretly the problems he had with her that he mentioned in the email are some of the same I had with her too. Anyway, we talked about her life for a while. So, i figured I'd try and talk about myself for a minute. I only wanted to talk to her about my psych-testing. I just wanted to talk about it for a second, that's all. But she sounded as disinterested as a person could. Don't get me wrong, I know my voice and the way I constantly sound insincere. It is a constant source of self-consciousness. This was different. She just doesn't give a fuck. And in a way, that's good. It makes it easier, you know? I mean there's no sense in pining over someone who lives in California. Not that it's not a valid place, I'm sure it is. It's just that Connecticut is not a hop, skip, or even a jump away from Cali. It's all three, at the very least.
So, yeah. This is me done with this entry. NO ENDING FOR YOU! Bye, for now.
It's all frustrating, but I'm trying to push forward. I am attempting to capitalize on the mental stimulation of my recent psych-testing, to try something new. I am trying to make my own "super-hero world". I want the stories I write about it to be a cross between a novel & a comic-book. It'll be a challenge (as everything is, these days), but it's one I'm looking forward to. I have a few characters in mind, already. I'm going to use some characters that I had previously made for role-playing purposes. I just need to flesh them out, and 'tweak' them a bit. It's been days, and I'm still pretty excited about this idea. I like that.
My friends might be coming over Saturday. So, I want to see if I am up to playing Rushtya. It would make me happy if we played. I just wish I was able to "let go" like I used to. Though, that really isn't the problem. The problem is [once again] organization. I can't get my thoughts together, so I never end up planning ahead. Spontaneity is good. But it's only good if you put the necessary work in before hand. And that's what I'm never able to do. That is why I always get bummed-out after we play. I'm never satisfied, because I never able to put forth my best effort. And to me, it's better to not play than to not do as well as I could.
Yes, it's "just a game". But it's a game I created. And I take pride in that. In my mind it's all so vivid. And the guys spent a lot of time on their characters. (some more than others) I just want . . . It's hard to explain. For a while, I thought I might have felt competitive. As if I wanted to "do better than Gerald or Ben", or something. But that's not it. Their DM'ing doesn't even enter into it. I just want to do my best. I've never really felt that before. Actually, I've never EVER felt that before about anything. It never occurred to me in school, because school was never about achieving, to me. It was merely about learning. So, when I could nolonger learn in school, it became a meaningless waste of time to be there. That's why I dropped-out. Hell, the only reason I went for my G.E.D. was because I thought I'd fail the initial tests, and get to go for the ten-week course. I figured, after being out of any real educational environment for the three or so years it was back then, that I'd have no chance to pass the test. I welcomed the challenge, though. But they had notes in the front cover of the test-booklet. It was like an open-book test. I may have a learning-disability & I can pass an open-book test. So, I view my G.E.D. as a pointless piece of paper. It means nothing in the world I'm in. It doesn't help me at all. I really did just want to be in school. Even when I was younger.
The only problem was that I tended to dislike my classmates. Something about the constant taunts & daily beatings just put me off of people my age. I don't know why that is.
So I'm stuck. I am a "man" without a generation. I'm nothing like other people my age. They're all building their lives, now. So, I can't relate to them. (I never could) And I'm getting too old to be able to relate to people younger than me. The feelings they feel I've already faced. So, a conversation with a younger person usually devolves into me going on about their problems. And them thinking I'm a pompous wind-bag. (because I am) But that's something I've come to terms with. I've always been like that, so I've accepted it. So, friends with younger people doesn't work. Friends with older people doesn't work either, because of that whole past thing with the schooling. The consensus between therapists & myself is that I nolonger feel I can trust older people because the adults around me did nothing when I went to them for help with my "people problems" during school. So, I don't trust people who are older than me. That has nothing to do with my mother because I never told her what had happened to me until I was pretty much out of school already.
Anyway. . . I'm glad I started this Live Journal, because it's a place where I don't have to screen things the way I feel have to with my Dear Diary -- Diary. No ex-girlfriends will be reading this. So, I don't have to feel as though I'm being spied on. And I don't have to worry about their entitlement bullshit. I realize it's my fault for directing people in my life to my diary in the first place. And for being as open & detailed in it. But that's just how I am. My diaries are done in language I use in my everyday life.
Except I say the word 'coose' a lot more in real life.
I'm the type of person that give too much information. I can't keep things bottle-up the way I used to. Because ... well, I lived that life. And I barely survived it.
But here, I don't have to worry about complaining about something Tara may have said, and finding an email in my inbox the next day bitching about how she's tired of hurting my feelings. And here, I don't have to worry about Anastasia leaving little private unauthenticated comments once every three to six months, whenever she feels like poking my corpse with a stick for her personal amusement. I mean, if she wanted to actually be friends she would talk to me. She wouldn't leave comments saying, "oh, I don't know if you remember me but, you can talk to me if you want". And then ignoring my emails and IMs and making me feel like some creepy stalker-guy.
Yeah. That rant felt good. I needed to get that out. The good thing about talking to ex-girlfriends, is that it helps me suppress the feeling of "if only I could get back together with ___". I talked to Tara last night. She sent me an email her husband sent to her, so I could read it. And then she called so we could make fun of him, I guess. It's funny because secretly the problems he had with her that he mentioned in the email are some of the same I had with her too. Anyway, we talked about her life for a while. So, i figured I'd try and talk about myself for a minute. I only wanted to talk to her about my psych-testing. I just wanted to talk about it for a second, that's all. But she sounded as disinterested as a person could. Don't get me wrong, I know my voice and the way I constantly sound insincere. It is a constant source of self-consciousness. This was different. She just doesn't give a fuck. And in a way, that's good. It makes it easier, you know? I mean there's no sense in pining over someone who lives in California. Not that it's not a valid place, I'm sure it is. It's just that Connecticut is not a hop, skip, or even a jump away from Cali. It's all three, at the very least.
So, yeah. This is me done with this entry. NO ENDING FOR YOU! Bye, for now.