blah blah rant blah
Since I don't know how to truncate these journal ma-bobs heres a warning again. It's rantastic.
After much thought into the recent events of the last week or two I have to wonder what the hell is going on because its been bipolar. Either extreme euphoria or severe....I don't want to say depression but a sort of anger/displeased molotov cocktail. Lets start at Genericon since that is where I can place this feeling first. The first day was good fun and crossplay was interesting(have to keep this in mind). Then came Saturday. Oh goodness it made me squeal in glee to get into one of my favorite characters again. That isn't where things got odd. It was the cosplay contest. Feel free the remainder of the post, I'm sure I will just be spouting nonsense.
There are things I need to realize when entering contest based on characters of anime. Mainly in my choice of characters to cosplay. When you pick a character from a virtually unknown anime it makes it hard to convince accuracy even with screen caps. I keep telling myself that I can do well on my skills alone no matter the character but if I continue doing this the result will be the same as this years result. I walk out with nothing, kicking myself in the ass because I got my hopes up for nothing walking in knowing that I had virtually no shot at anything. Man, even trying to type this is making my hand tremble...heh.
I know I came off depressed and pseudo emo but really for a while it was just a replay of the time I spent making the costume, trying to find error in my ways. But after thoughts of jealousy floated into my mind I found out really why i was so over-analytical. No, I wasn't jealous of the others, they did a DAMN good job. I respect other cosplayers, they do the same things I put into my costumes. *sigh* I was just pissed that I spent all those hours in the garage, all that time behind a sewing machine and constantly checked accuracy at the hope some fruition of my labors. But obscure characters will never receive the kind of recognition that mainstream characters will. So I'm glad I've sorted that mess out.
More recently there are other issues I thought over whilst I slumbered. Mainly dealing with my sinful pride. All my life i have been the exploratory child of my parents. I try everything first. I am constantly pushed to do better. That's all high school ever was, a push at me to get into a good college to excel there. I just felt( and still kind of do) that I will never do something good enough for them to be satisfied with me. I know it sounds like I'm being a 15 year old teenager here but it's been at the back of my head for a while. I'm always being compared to others to measure my standing. I never do better than anyone else, I'm always the average at everything.
But still I keep that god damned pride of mine. That whatever I do is noble or something like that and it shouldn't be held into comparison with others, fictional or otherwise. I know its bound to happen, we just compare naturally. But something inside me, I guess my pride hates the fact that I don't match up to those people. So I keep at it trying to match up to them but in the end it doesn't matter, I'm still bested by someone else. You know that saying that you're always good at something right? It's been a good chunk of my life and I have yet to find it. Maybe averageness is my speciality, never the best at anything but I can still try at it all.
And to those concerned, I'm not mad at anyone. It's almost impossible to make me mad. I'm just a bit peeved of the comparisons that I can never meet someone else's standards. I am me and though I can change myself to meet other peoples standards I like my way of doing things. And I will anxiously wait the day that I get just that pat on the back, that I did something right and not that I'm just just making someone angry because i voiced my opinion over someones life choices.
Ok rant over. Thanks for reading. Oh, and don't really let it get to you. I just needed to put it down on somewhere tangible...well as tangible as the internet is. :P
After much thought into the recent events of the last week or two I have to wonder what the hell is going on because its been bipolar. Either extreme euphoria or severe....I don't want to say depression but a sort of anger/displeased molotov cocktail. Lets start at Genericon since that is where I can place this feeling first. The first day was good fun and crossplay was interesting(have to keep this in mind). Then came Saturday. Oh goodness it made me squeal in glee to get into one of my favorite characters again. That isn't where things got odd. It was the cosplay contest. Feel free the remainder of the post, I'm sure I will just be spouting nonsense.
There are things I need to realize when entering contest based on characters of anime. Mainly in my choice of characters to cosplay. When you pick a character from a virtually unknown anime it makes it hard to convince accuracy even with screen caps. I keep telling myself that I can do well on my skills alone no matter the character but if I continue doing this the result will be the same as this years result. I walk out with nothing, kicking myself in the ass because I got my hopes up for nothing walking in knowing that I had virtually no shot at anything. Man, even trying to type this is making my hand tremble...heh.
I know I came off depressed and pseudo emo but really for a while it was just a replay of the time I spent making the costume, trying to find error in my ways. But after thoughts of jealousy floated into my mind I found out really why i was so over-analytical. No, I wasn't jealous of the others, they did a DAMN good job. I respect other cosplayers, they do the same things I put into my costumes. *sigh* I was just pissed that I spent all those hours in the garage, all that time behind a sewing machine and constantly checked accuracy at the hope some fruition of my labors. But obscure characters will never receive the kind of recognition that mainstream characters will. So I'm glad I've sorted that mess out.
More recently there are other issues I thought over whilst I slumbered. Mainly dealing with my sinful pride. All my life i have been the exploratory child of my parents. I try everything first. I am constantly pushed to do better. That's all high school ever was, a push at me to get into a good college to excel there. I just felt( and still kind of do) that I will never do something good enough for them to be satisfied with me. I know it sounds like I'm being a 15 year old teenager here but it's been at the back of my head for a while. I'm always being compared to others to measure my standing. I never do better than anyone else, I'm always the average at everything.
But still I keep that god damned pride of mine. That whatever I do is noble or something like that and it shouldn't be held into comparison with others, fictional or otherwise. I know its bound to happen, we just compare naturally. But something inside me, I guess my pride hates the fact that I don't match up to those people. So I keep at it trying to match up to them but in the end it doesn't matter, I'm still bested by someone else. You know that saying that you're always good at something right? It's been a good chunk of my life and I have yet to find it. Maybe averageness is my speciality, never the best at anything but I can still try at it all.
And to those concerned, I'm not mad at anyone. It's almost impossible to make me mad. I'm just a bit peeved of the comparisons that I can never meet someone else's standards. I am me and though I can change myself to meet other peoples standards I like my way of doing things. And I will anxiously wait the day that I get just that pat on the back, that I did something right and not that I'm just just making someone angry because i voiced my opinion over someones life choices.
Ok rant over. Thanks for reading. Oh, and don't really let it get to you. I just needed to put it down on somewhere tangible...well as tangible as the internet is. :P