Sex addiction
I was searching for a new therapist that is a preferred provider so Tech can get some specialized help with his ADHD, and I somehow ended up on a "Divorce" message board. It was mostly women who had discovered their husbands were either having affairs or were seeing prostitutes. So many sad stories. I almost registered there so I could answer some of their questions. I've been through the whole thing. Through years of sex addiction counseling. Through the denial. The hope. Wishing God would just heal my husband. And through the other side realizing that it didn't work that way. I wish there was something I could do to wake these women up. They seem to be everywhere. Every time I turn around I find another woman dealing with infidelity in her marriage in one form or another. It truly breaks my heart because I know the pain personally. I want to try to answer the questions here, because I think someday I'd like to do something perhaps ministering to these women. I think God might be trying to tell me something with the frequency this subject is coming up in my life lately. (And no, I'm not worried about Tech, that man has no money to spend on prostitutes, no time in which to use one, and I can't get him to even look at another woman! (yes, I have tried. *embarrassed look*)
Some of the questions they asked were along this vein, "How do you know your man is cheating? Are there warning signs? How can you choose a man that won't cheat?" This is a tough group of questions to answer. No matter how careful you are in choosing your mate, I believe it is foolish to *not* keep your eyes open. While I don't worry about Tech, I do remain open to seeing any warning signs. So what *are* the warning signs? Changes in interest in sexual activity (wanting more or less sex with you,) using porn (the gateway drug,) lying (about anything,) other addictions (addictive personalities don't usually stop with one addiction,) visiting strip clubs, seeming distracted when around other women, making comments about women's bodies (positive or negative,) saying things like "If you were more ____, we'd have more sex." Basically, you are looking for a man with sexual integrity. If you are dating a man and he shows a lack of sexual integrity, get out now, it only gets worse. If you are married to a man and he's showing a lack of sexual integrity, address it now because it does progress and it will get worse.
Another question, a very common question, "Should I stay with him and give him another chance?" My answer to this would be, a chance to do what? Infect you with a potentially fatal disease? A chance to leave your children fatherless *and* motherless? What exactly do you need to know that you have married a man incapable of being in a marital relationship? No, I'm not saying if you found your husband looking at porn online file for divorce. What I am saying is that these situations can and do progress beyond that and once they do involve real women, in my mind that is the time to say enough! Sure, if you want to put another 15-20 years into the relationship hoping that he will change, you can. And there is a chance, a VERY small chance that he will. There is an even smaller chance that he will never relapse. He most likely will and you have to face that if you choose to stay. Do you think you know everything? Has he come clean with you? If you answered yes to those questions you are in denial. You are lucky if you know 1/10th of what he has been doing. He only confessed to what he got caught at or thought he was going to get caught at. The rest, the majority of it, is still secret. So, the question really is: Knowing what you know now, knowing it will happen again (if it ever stops, they generally just get much better at hiding it,) do you WANT to stay? If you do, carry on.
Question: How do I know if he's serious about getting help or if he's just doing what's necessary to get along?" This one's easy. You don't do his work for him. If he really wants to get counseling, he will find the counselor and make the appointment. If he wants to go to SA, he will find the meetings and get himself there. If *you* want counseling, then you get counseling, but you don't do a thing for him in that regard. If he takes no action, you know exactly how serious he was. He wasn't at all serious. But if he is serious and gets on the ball and immediately finds a therapist and makes appointments and never misses them and puts his own rules into play (instead of you telling him what he can and can't do to prove he's not "using" again,) he might just be serious. At least for now. Don't be surprised if that changes in the future though. If it does change, you know he's not ready to heal yet and it's likely time to move on.
Question: Should I divorce him? To be fair, the message board was about divorce. Also to be fair, my answer here comes from a Christian standpoint. If you are a non-Christian you are free to do as you wish in this regard. If you are a Christian though, we are told that God hates divorce. The only excuse we are given for divorce is pornea aka sexual immorality. So, if you feel the marriage has been irreconcilably broken, or you don't see that he is going to change, you *can* divorce from a biblical standpoint. But there is an option that I think most Christian completely ignore, and that is separation. You can separate from your husband forever if that's what it takes. If you don't feel like divorce is the right option for you, but living with a sexually immoral man isn't on your agenda either, then by all means separate from him. Sometimes losing his family is the last straw and it can be what pushes a man over the edge and into recovery.
I know it's hard to be strong when you are beaten down by living in situations like this. But I'm here to tell you it doesn't get any easier. In fact it gets harder by the day. When I first learned that my ex-husband "liked porn" I was a healthy, active 20-something. After living with him for eight years and learning that "I like porn" meant something very different than what I thought, and had progressed to $2,500 bills at strip clubs (suuuure there was no touching!); the stress and depression had taken it's toll. I now have more health and mental issues than I can count on both hands. I take 18 pills a day just to survive. I have been out of my last marriage for eight years and my health and mental issues have not cleared up. I will die much younger than I should have, and I believe it will be attributable to murder. It will just have taken my ex-husband a few decades to finish me off.
Do I believe one can be "cured" of sex addiction? No. I do believe though that there is one man in a thousand that wants to be free of it bad enough that he is willing to do the work and has the dedication to pull it off. He will never be cured but he can live relatively symptom free. The thing is, it will never be out of your life. The focus will either be on the behavior he is doing now, or it will be on the recovery process. Forever.
If you find a therapist that tells you what you want to hear. Fire him/her. They just want your money. They aren't being honest with you. I was fortunate and I never encountered one that said it would be any less than a daily struggle for the rest of our married lives if I stayed with my ex-husband.
I believe I took the right road when I divorced him. God has blessed me and given me a wonderful husband who loves me like a man is supposed to love his wife. I had biblical grounds to divorce him, and yet I gave him ample opportunity to change. Too much opportunity.
Nobody wants to hear the truth about sex addiction. The wives always want to hear that there is hope and that everything will be ok. It's possible, but it's 100% up to your husband.
There are some awesome books about sex addiction. If you are in a marriage with a sex addict I'd be happy to recommend some. The only ones I'm aware of however are Christian based.
Whatever you do, don't do what I did. Don't keep it to yourself and isolate the friends and family that try to help you. You may not want their help today, but you will need them later. I shut people out because I was ashamed to be in the position I was in. I was a Christian and I knowingly married a man who used porn. That DOES NOT mean I signed up for the way it all turned out though! And even if it had, we all make mistakes. Our own values and morals can change and what might have been ok in the beginning becomes obvious as sin and unacceptable later on. Don't be ashamed to be married to a man you can't stay with. Talk! Don't keep it locked up inside. You will find that you are not alone. Unfortunately sex-addiction is very common.
No matter what you decide though, get counseling for yourself. A healthy woman doesn't choose an unhealthy man for her mate. I was not a healthy woman when I chose my ex-husband. Be sure you know where you went wrong and have an action plan before you even think about dating again in the future. Otherwise you will end up right back where you are now. Believe me, it's easier to do than you think. I almost ended up in a serious relationship with another sex-addict.
Some of the questions they asked were along this vein, "How do you know your man is cheating? Are there warning signs? How can you choose a man that won't cheat?" This is a tough group of questions to answer. No matter how careful you are in choosing your mate, I believe it is foolish to *not* keep your eyes open. While I don't worry about Tech, I do remain open to seeing any warning signs. So what *are* the warning signs? Changes in interest in sexual activity (wanting more or less sex with you,) using porn (the gateway drug,) lying (about anything,) other addictions (addictive personalities don't usually stop with one addiction,) visiting strip clubs, seeming distracted when around other women, making comments about women's bodies (positive or negative,) saying things like "If you were more ____, we'd have more sex." Basically, you are looking for a man with sexual integrity. If you are dating a man and he shows a lack of sexual integrity, get out now, it only gets worse. If you are married to a man and he's showing a lack of sexual integrity, address it now because it does progress and it will get worse.
Another question, a very common question, "Should I stay with him and give him another chance?" My answer to this would be, a chance to do what? Infect you with a potentially fatal disease? A chance to leave your children fatherless *and* motherless? What exactly do you need to know that you have married a man incapable of being in a marital relationship? No, I'm not saying if you found your husband looking at porn online file for divorce. What I am saying is that these situations can and do progress beyond that and once they do involve real women, in my mind that is the time to say enough! Sure, if you want to put another 15-20 years into the relationship hoping that he will change, you can. And there is a chance, a VERY small chance that he will. There is an even smaller chance that he will never relapse. He most likely will and you have to face that if you choose to stay. Do you think you know everything? Has he come clean with you? If you answered yes to those questions you are in denial. You are lucky if you know 1/10th of what he has been doing. He only confessed to what he got caught at or thought he was going to get caught at. The rest, the majority of it, is still secret. So, the question really is: Knowing what you know now, knowing it will happen again (if it ever stops, they generally just get much better at hiding it,) do you WANT to stay? If you do, carry on.
Question: How do I know if he's serious about getting help or if he's just doing what's necessary to get along?" This one's easy. You don't do his work for him. If he really wants to get counseling, he will find the counselor and make the appointment. If he wants to go to SA, he will find the meetings and get himself there. If *you* want counseling, then you get counseling, but you don't do a thing for him in that regard. If he takes no action, you know exactly how serious he was. He wasn't at all serious. But if he is serious and gets on the ball and immediately finds a therapist and makes appointments and never misses them and puts his own rules into play (instead of you telling him what he can and can't do to prove he's not "using" again,) he might just be serious. At least for now. Don't be surprised if that changes in the future though. If it does change, you know he's not ready to heal yet and it's likely time to move on.
Question: Should I divorce him? To be fair, the message board was about divorce. Also to be fair, my answer here comes from a Christian standpoint. If you are a non-Christian you are free to do as you wish in this regard. If you are a Christian though, we are told that God hates divorce. The only excuse we are given for divorce is pornea aka sexual immorality. So, if you feel the marriage has been irreconcilably broken, or you don't see that he is going to change, you *can* divorce from a biblical standpoint. But there is an option that I think most Christian completely ignore, and that is separation. You can separate from your husband forever if that's what it takes. If you don't feel like divorce is the right option for you, but living with a sexually immoral man isn't on your agenda either, then by all means separate from him. Sometimes losing his family is the last straw and it can be what pushes a man over the edge and into recovery.
I know it's hard to be strong when you are beaten down by living in situations like this. But I'm here to tell you it doesn't get any easier. In fact it gets harder by the day. When I first learned that my ex-husband "liked porn" I was a healthy, active 20-something. After living with him for eight years and learning that "I like porn" meant something very different than what I thought, and had progressed to $2,500 bills at strip clubs (suuuure there was no touching!); the stress and depression had taken it's toll. I now have more health and mental issues than I can count on both hands. I take 18 pills a day just to survive. I have been out of my last marriage for eight years and my health and mental issues have not cleared up. I will die much younger than I should have, and I believe it will be attributable to murder. It will just have taken my ex-husband a few decades to finish me off.
Do I believe one can be "cured" of sex addiction? No. I do believe though that there is one man in a thousand that wants to be free of it bad enough that he is willing to do the work and has the dedication to pull it off. He will never be cured but he can live relatively symptom free. The thing is, it will never be out of your life. The focus will either be on the behavior he is doing now, or it will be on the recovery process. Forever.
If you find a therapist that tells you what you want to hear. Fire him/her. They just want your money. They aren't being honest with you. I was fortunate and I never encountered one that said it would be any less than a daily struggle for the rest of our married lives if I stayed with my ex-husband.
I believe I took the right road when I divorced him. God has blessed me and given me a wonderful husband who loves me like a man is supposed to love his wife. I had biblical grounds to divorce him, and yet I gave him ample opportunity to change. Too much opportunity.
Nobody wants to hear the truth about sex addiction. The wives always want to hear that there is hope and that everything will be ok. It's possible, but it's 100% up to your husband.
There are some awesome books about sex addiction. If you are in a marriage with a sex addict I'd be happy to recommend some. The only ones I'm aware of however are Christian based.
Whatever you do, don't do what I did. Don't keep it to yourself and isolate the friends and family that try to help you. You may not want their help today, but you will need them later. I shut people out because I was ashamed to be in the position I was in. I was a Christian and I knowingly married a man who used porn. That DOES NOT mean I signed up for the way it all turned out though! And even if it had, we all make mistakes. Our own values and morals can change and what might have been ok in the beginning becomes obvious as sin and unacceptable later on. Don't be ashamed to be married to a man you can't stay with. Talk! Don't keep it locked up inside. You will find that you are not alone. Unfortunately sex-addiction is very common.
No matter what you decide though, get counseling for yourself. A healthy woman doesn't choose an unhealthy man for her mate. I was not a healthy woman when I chose my ex-husband. Be sure you know where you went wrong and have an action plan before you even think about dating again in the future. Otherwise you will end up right back where you are now. Believe me, it's easier to do than you think. I almost ended up in a serious relationship with another sex-addict.