Despair
I heard a cover by Jamila Woods of "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman on KEXP this week. It killed me.
I'm trying to take a minute to attempt to articulate what really hit me about this song. There are a lot of symbols. "Fast Car" "Get Out of Here" "Be Someone". The mixture of the deep urges to get something out of life and the specific articulations of the mundane expression of those urges. How the mundane realities of life fall so far short of the dreams.
Especially right now. In 2021, while we go into our second year of covid restrictions. And I'm 35. And I still don't know what the hell I'm trying to do with my life. It just feels like I'm flailing. Treading water. The symbol of "Life Passing Me By" is potent.
All my attempts to make something out of life seem to be just empty madness. I get obsessions. Try to find outlets. Recently it's been trying to exercise to promote mental health. And that turned into a recent obsession with learning to kayak, which is still ongoing. But this, I know, is how it always goes with me. This endless line of pointless frenetic obsessions. This is "the thing" right now, and of course it's going nowhere. Because that how it always is.
And anything that would really mean something deeper in terms of moving through life... terrifies me so much I won't even put a name to it.
This is emptiness and despair. And I know I'm not alone with it this year. It's everywhere.