I wish I were a completely different person
I keep having this thought, often. Over and over. "I wish I were a better person." Who was it? Cary Grant? "I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally I became that person."
I've taken the Landmark Forum and several other courses at Landmark. There is this idea at Landmark that you can really be the person you want to be. You can deal with all your baggage systematically until you do not have any more. You can set out to accomplish what would give you a sense of personal pride and accomplishment. You can become the person you want to be. It is possible to consistently hold yourself accountable to your own vision of what you choose for yourself.
It appeals to the idealist in me. The idealist that is all but dead.
I kept doing more and more intense courses at Landmark until I took a course. It had an acronym associated with it. That started with an "E", I think. I cannot remember. Frankly, perhaps I've blocked it out. It was the main thing I was doing for about a year of my life. The way I think of it is that I basically gagged on Landmark, ultimately. I could not swallow that program. For all the sense, and perhaps wisdom that was passionately expressed through all the courses I'd done, that one I choked on. The funny thing is, I saw my fellow classmates sort of transition into this amazing state of higher being. And I'm not even kidding or being sarcastic.
It reminds me of lyrics from "I'm Losing My Edge" by LCD Soundsystem: "But I'm losing my edge to better-looking people with better ideas and more talent. / And they're actually really, really nice."
There was a woman and a man... A short blond haired woman and a bit of a heavy set latino man. To hopefully keep it nice and vague, but specific enough. They were changed by this program. Really changed. And, as suspicious and skeptical of it all as I now am, I cannot forget the generous way they expressed themselves towards me. The way they listened to me. I remember. I remember sitting in a lonely business trip hotel and being listened to amazingly by this man. So much so that I remember. I don't remember things. But I remember that. His way about him towards me struck me. It has a passion and a kindness towards me that I found to be noteworthy. They had a sort of unburdened gratitude and general loveliness in their way of being with me. I honor that. I acknowledge that they allowed themselves to be shaped by the lathe of this "E" acronym program that I was in with them. But I, instead, became more and more resistant and guarded and brittle and ultimately broke. I just broke. I remember talking in a sort of last ditch effort with one of the big honking leaders of the whole thing. And older man. He was a seriously intense, thoughtful, listening, intelligent man. I would not say that he had anything but openness and generosity towards me. I was impressed merely by his presence. I talked to him one time over the phone. And ultimately... I still couldn't deal with this thing. Hang it all. I just quit. I cannot now see any other way it could have been. I cannot imagine how I would have become like my two friends who silently and magically without my comprehension became of this higher plane of existence. I do not understand. It's like 1+2 = 5. I just don't get it. Hell, maybe I should call them and see how they're doing now. Does it last? Does this magical uplifting way of being last?
I would say that I rage quit Landmark except that's not quite accurate. Because there was no rage, per-say. If there was rage it was more like the cold war. I told my mentor that I was done. And then I told my mentor that I was done again. And finally I told my mentor that I would stop responding to any Landmark affiliated phone calls, emails, text messages, ... communications of any kind if they did not concede and let me be done with the program. They did not concede. I excommunicated them. That is how it is with me and Landmark. I don't imagine that I'm in the good books with them now.
And yet there is a sort of sorrow left. What might have been? Is Landmark truly a disturbed cult? Having been in it and now out of it... I can't but think of it as a sort of secular religion of sorts. It is an organization. They accept money from their participants. But it is also a community and a philosophy. And I'm not saying it's necessarily bad. Perhaps it works for some people. Is a saying I've been saying to myself for some time since I rage quit. Let's call it rage quitting just for simplicity. It is close enough to rage quitting to be serviceable.
I'm bummed that I have now almost no recourse except to conflate "being a better person" with this God Forsaken Landmark training that I went through. As if it all hinges on that. Certainly that is false. I could go be a priest. I could be like Pope Francis or Father Greg Boyle. I could be like Tich Nacht Han. Or I could be like God Damned Jesus Christ (save my soul). Who knows. You don't have to be a Land-Martian as the joke goes, to be a good person. In fact that's one of the things in this Leadership Intense... ILP. Intense Leadership Program. I believe the acronym was ILP. So, not starting with an "E" at all. Yes, "Introduction Leaders Program." It is a program where people learn to become volunteers for Landmark where they can be called upon to lead introductions to the Landmark Forum. Which are sort of preview sessions where people get to sort out for themselves whether they want to take the first course at Landmark, the gateway course to all the other material.
I don't know. I'm just sick of feeling weak. Weak, dumb, lonely, loveless. "Friendless, brainless! Unemployed in Greenland?!" I basically work, play 1 video game that I'm obsessed with, drink, and read books. Mostly Sci Fi books. But I range a bit. I read "Born a Crime" by Trevor Noah. I found that to be edifying. I'm reading Treasure Island right now.
It all just seems pointless to me. My friend Laura had her son who died by suicide around the age of 30 years old. I'm 35 now. She gave me her son's bathing suit. I still use it. I've thought of suicide but I don't have the courage for something like that. Nor do I hate life quite enough. Quite enough, I say. Because I do hate my life. It just seems so useless and futile. So empty and desolate. How did I come to this? And why should I continue if this is the way it is going to be?
I watched The Man Who Planted Trees in the best youtube variant I could find. I sought fruitlessly for a high quality streaming option that I could purchase. No luck. This youtube copy is okay. There are a couple moments that I know are better if you have a higher quality version, but this one gets the point across. It made me cry, as I hoped it would. It made me cry because the idea that one man could spend his life so simply and enrich the landscape and the lives and prospects of so many people around him and offer himself and be of service without asking anything in return but the peace and the allowance to continue his work. It's so deeply moving... "It kills me" as Holden Caulfield might say.
There are so many ideas of decency and simplicity of love and beauty and courage and justice and spirit and health and passion. I look to myself in contrast to that like a piece of dead barren drift wood. What am I to do?
It's like I wish I could do it all over. And I wish I could be more generous and listen better and be of service and notice the harm that is going on and take it upon myself to intervene. Life, my life, my country... there is so much that just seems utterly hopeless to me. I don't know what to do about any of it. So, in the end, I turn back to what I always turn back to. Drink, books, video games, work. I do no good but who does after all? Who does? Very few is the answer, very few. You need feel no shame for not being one of them.