(no subject)

[bleep]

with your head nearly craning
itself into your black beer,
you drink alone in a bar with
your phone off. stare at your hands,
hold back the feeling of vomiting.
they have held such light that
has been stolen, now all you
see is ugly calluses and groping
for an absent body in the sheets.

stumble back to your tiny room.
the lights are off and you don't
bother to turn them on. undress
in the dark, the nearly silent clanking of
keys and belt loops makes up the
soundtrack to the moon's reign
over us. try to ignore the visions
of her, her legs like giant antennas
pointing up at our great absent god.
she mouths a name that is not your
name in the blackness, he pumps
his worthless skin into your love
as you lay at home
drinking in bed.

another day you wake,
hide the bullet for the pen.
you remember her hands and how
she hated when you looked at them
so you snuck glances when she wasn't looking.
you remember kisses in the kitchen
and the mornings made of fingertips.
you get out of bed, stand over the
toilet. you think of her happy without
you. throw up something so dark
it could only be something dead in you.
pull a shirt over your aching body,
and try to do it again. another day,
try.