if i stay in one place i lose my mind, i'm a pretty impossible lady to be with.
one year until i'm a QUARTER of a century old. how fucked up is that? i still feel like i'm 22.
my friends, nofx, and john completely made my birthday worth getting old for. john sent me a shark jaw in the mail that is the love of my life right now, and katy and nina got me a BJ bracelet with a seahorse and starfish on it. 2 of the most thoughtful gifts ever. Every song NOFX played was my favorite, and even though john was nowhere to be found when they played "Radio", it was still most enjoyable, and he had so much fun, which makes me happy too.
the incident from this weekend that i'm most thrilled about is finally hearing from him how he really feels about me. well, actually, i don't really think he said all he could have, but i know now at least that he harbors strong feelings of "like" towards me, which is more than i could say before. everything is still up in the air as there are emotional and situational difficulties, but it feels good to know that my thoughts and feelings are being reciprocated.
on the flipside of that is everything else that you can imagine that comes along with a long-distance-pseudo relationship...
first of all, we're not committed. so, i know i did this whole "i really love you and wanna be with you, but i can't commit until i figure stuff out" bullshit with brian, so i guess this is karma...but man, it's hell. HOWEVER, since i have been in that situation before, i know exactly where john's coming from. long distance relationships are hard enough in the first place, let alone when you're a 20 year old male in college with teeny dumb trying-too-hard-to-be-deep/fashion/indie/dorky/punks girls throwing themselves at you and your new tattoo. and he's not committed, so really i wouldn't be able to say anything if he did something with one of them. BUT. if he really feels strongly about me and doesn't want to hurt me he won't do that.
....which brings me to my brian tangent. i have, in the past 8 months, come to realize that a)i never REALLY loved him, b)we did not go well together, and c)i'm too fuckin good for him. IF i had loved him, like really really been in love with him, i would have NEVER EVER cheated on him. ever. i, being in a non-committed, non-relationship right now, do not have eyes for anyone else. i'm not even looking. maybe it's retardedly putting all of my eggs in one basket, but the point is, i really freakin like this dude. i would be happy to commit to him, because he embodies everything i want in someone. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying he's perfect or anything, because there are plenty of things that bother me about him...but nothing important is missing, and i think that's the key. there were just things missing with brian...such as intelligence, sanity, and fun.
so anyway, i've become super insecure with the non-relationship thing and am just totally scared that he's gonna renig on the feelings, or transfer them elsewhere, and everything's going to blow up in my face as usual. so all the fears are shitting all over what should be complete giddiness radiating over my entire body.
i just don't know what to think. i really don't have time to think for the next 10 days, as i will be working 10-12 hour days for bike week, on top of working out and trying to have a life. i've been working 700-900 calories a day on the eliptical. i'm gonna try to keep it up even for the next week and a half. wish me luck.
my friends, nofx, and john completely made my birthday worth getting old for. john sent me a shark jaw in the mail that is the love of my life right now, and katy and nina got me a BJ bracelet with a seahorse and starfish on it. 2 of the most thoughtful gifts ever. Every song NOFX played was my favorite, and even though john was nowhere to be found when they played "Radio", it was still most enjoyable, and he had so much fun, which makes me happy too.
the incident from this weekend that i'm most thrilled about is finally hearing from him how he really feels about me. well, actually, i don't really think he said all he could have, but i know now at least that he harbors strong feelings of "like" towards me, which is more than i could say before. everything is still up in the air as there are emotional and situational difficulties, but it feels good to know that my thoughts and feelings are being reciprocated.
on the flipside of that is everything else that you can imagine that comes along with a long-distance-pseudo relationship...
first of all, we're not committed. so, i know i did this whole "i really love you and wanna be with you, but i can't commit until i figure stuff out" bullshit with brian, so i guess this is karma...but man, it's hell. HOWEVER, since i have been in that situation before, i know exactly where john's coming from. long distance relationships are hard enough in the first place, let alone when you're a 20 year old male in college with teeny dumb trying-too-hard-to-be-deep/fashion/indie/dorky/punks girls throwing themselves at you and your new tattoo. and he's not committed, so really i wouldn't be able to say anything if he did something with one of them. BUT. if he really feels strongly about me and doesn't want to hurt me he won't do that.
....which brings me to my brian tangent. i have, in the past 8 months, come to realize that a)i never REALLY loved him, b)we did not go well together, and c)i'm too fuckin good for him. IF i had loved him, like really really been in love with him, i would have NEVER EVER cheated on him. ever. i, being in a non-committed, non-relationship right now, do not have eyes for anyone else. i'm not even looking. maybe it's retardedly putting all of my eggs in one basket, but the point is, i really freakin like this dude. i would be happy to commit to him, because he embodies everything i want in someone. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying he's perfect or anything, because there are plenty of things that bother me about him...but nothing important is missing, and i think that's the key. there were just things missing with brian...such as intelligence, sanity, and fun.
so anyway, i've become super insecure with the non-relationship thing and am just totally scared that he's gonna renig on the feelings, or transfer them elsewhere, and everything's going to blow up in my face as usual. so all the fears are shitting all over what should be complete giddiness radiating over my entire body.
i just don't know what to think. i really don't have time to think for the next 10 days, as i will be working 10-12 hour days for bike week, on top of working out and trying to have a life. i've been working 700-900 calories a day on the eliptical. i'm gonna try to keep it up even for the next week and a half. wish me luck.