(no subject)
it's so different this year. i don't have the support and love from the same people. two years is coming up. how do i deal with this? i was trying not to think too negatively about the whole thing, but itd hard. why is september full of bad memories? and why does it insist on bringing more? she was old, but she wasn't old enough to go. she took care of me. she took care of my sister. she took care of my mother and all of my aunts and uncles. she took care of everyone she could. in my eyes, she was a saint. and i'm not super religious or anything. but if there is a god, and a heaven, she is there, with him, with tony, with anthony, with everyone ive ever lost. with everyone ive never met, but maybe you've lost. this was too sudden. too abrupt. i'm trying to deal with everything in my life right now, but it's hard when you don't have an outlet. when you don't have anyone that you can comfortably connect with anymore. when being stubborn and superior is all that matters. at least i'm being watched over by the best people possible. i can't go to the wake though. i just can't. i can't imagine going to the funeral either, but that's definitely necessary. but it's not going to be easy. i'm at a loss. i'm stunned and sad and confused and lonely.
shitty, i know.
shitty, i know.