(no subject)

[bleedthiscolour]

this is me
trying
hard
to be something
that i'm not;
to fit
in all the places
my edges
just do not
wan't to go;
to blend fire
& water.
this is how
i reconcile
the time that i fled,
tail between
my legs
howling like bear traps
stuck
in a twenty
something
purgatory.
this is the way
i fall apart;
pull myself
back together,
place patches
on the holes
that burst open
when i realized
how irreversible
what i had done was.
i just want
to find my way
back home;
searching
city crowded
night skies
for constellations
that lead me
to our
old
front
door.
the north star
is losing
its luster
it shines more dull
like snapping
filaments,
cracking glass
a surge
of electricity
after
lightning
strikes.
this is me
coming to terms
with mistakes
that i have made.
i will never
be well.
i will never be
terse
or certain.
i will never take
the easy way
out.
i will never forget
how it feels
to dull myself
with under the counter
remedies,
an easy fix
for an intricate problem;
like trying
to untangle thread
with more knots.
i would rather
live
forever
torn between poles
than settle into the dull grey
of who
you want me
to become.