(no subject)
I don't know if I hate or love having realistic dreams. I think I like it better than waking up. I think I'd rather live in the dream because every time it happens, and I start to come to, I try so hard to prevent it. Ah well... The most heart wrenching dreams are the ones where my dad comes back. For the past 10 years, I've made myself think that "in my dream", he comes back to life for again but just for a little bit, and we live our lives like we would if he was alive. This morning, that changed. He visited again, but it was different than every dream I've had of him visiting. I asked him why, every time he would visit, he would leave as fast as he came? Where did he go and why for so long? He said, that's just how things work. I hugged him, and of course it wasn't like how he was when he was healthy and strong, but it wasn't like he was when he was fragile... it was like he just aged. I do remember seeing or having a memory of a hospital bracelet or something relating to that on him. Last thing I remember was that I told him to try to contact my brother before he left. It wasn't like a dream though, it was like it was happening for real. I don't know what life is like with a dad. That sounds kind of sad, but that's how I know my life. I have a million memories of him, though... like how he played fantasy football and watched it and wrestling religiously, going to the music store with him, him sitting in his chair with his eyes closed listening to his strange rock music. I am going to haul around his huge record collection with me when my mom passes (which is hopefully never). Man, now that I think of it, I cannot fathom having my mom pass. I would have nobody, and I can't live life without her as my spine. It's strange now how important family is now that I am a mother. I miss my father. I don't remember life with him in it, but I know that I love him very, very much. Why must my heart always have holes in it? Well, that's life, as I know it.