sometimes i feel as though i'm being ridiculous for stressing myself out so much.
all my life, i've been told that the shit i do now will affect me later in life. in elementary school i was asked by a man passing out "career tests" where i wanted to go to college. i glanced at Drew Iwanicki's paper, which read "Ivy League" and decided that's where i wanted to go. Even though i had no idea what that was--because that's what all the "gifted" kids wanted.
In jr. high i did okay and begged and pleaded with Ms. Allsman to place me into the honors program in high school, because that was the only way to be "smart."
In high school i tried hard and took AP classes so that i could get into a good college. i didn't know what any colleges offered, nor what i wanted to do, so i took a guess and applied at random schools, and picked one that sounded good. to be like the other kids.
In college i dicked around, confused, looking for something to major in, all the while glancing nervously at my watch, thinking about how i was "wasting time." now i have my major, and i'm putting the pressure upon myself to graduate in 4 years, because that's what all the "focused" kids do.
I'm freaking out now because i don't know what i want to focus on in grad school, or where i want to go, and, if i wanted to attend in fall 2008, i'd need to apply this fall. i'm freaking out because i might actually have a gap in my education--and that's all i've done my entire life--been a student. i've been so well trained to "go get em, tiger" that i might feel like a failure if i were to like, take a year off.
i've lost so much sleep over my "future" my entire life.
***
and all i wanted when i was a kid was to be an artist--a painter, a musician--anything. But my mother told me i'd never be successful as an artist and to forget it.
even today i take career tests and it tells me i should be an artist.
my stoner step-father constantly forgets what i'm majoring in, and every time i say "anthropology" he sighs and tells me how i'll never make a living that way.
my mother calls me up to tell me about how her friend's daugher is making a great living being a pharmacist or a physical therapist.
Every time i find something that makes sense, that i'm actually good at, people ridicule me.
I'm not going to be a doctor, i'm not going to be a lawyer, and i'm most certainly not going to be a businesswoman.
and i'm going to be a better roommate than Lonie ever was. take that.
***
does anyone else see the hypocrisy in our parents' generation? They were the flower children; the ones who wanted to see America, to expand their minds, to be free.
And now?
They have mortgages, arthritis, alcoholism, short tempers, and a constant disappointment in their children. They failed at freedom and missed the message.
Dear mom and dad:
now it's our turn to fuck things up. leave us alone.
In jr. high i did okay and begged and pleaded with Ms. Allsman to place me into the honors program in high school, because that was the only way to be "smart."
In high school i tried hard and took AP classes so that i could get into a good college. i didn't know what any colleges offered, nor what i wanted to do, so i took a guess and applied at random schools, and picked one that sounded good. to be like the other kids.
In college i dicked around, confused, looking for something to major in, all the while glancing nervously at my watch, thinking about how i was "wasting time." now i have my major, and i'm putting the pressure upon myself to graduate in 4 years, because that's what all the "focused" kids do.
I'm freaking out now because i don't know what i want to focus on in grad school, or where i want to go, and, if i wanted to attend in fall 2008, i'd need to apply this fall. i'm freaking out because i might actually have a gap in my education--and that's all i've done my entire life--been a student. i've been so well trained to "go get em, tiger" that i might feel like a failure if i were to like, take a year off.
i've lost so much sleep over my "future" my entire life.
***
and all i wanted when i was a kid was to be an artist--a painter, a musician--anything. But my mother told me i'd never be successful as an artist and to forget it.
even today i take career tests and it tells me i should be an artist.
my stoner step-father constantly forgets what i'm majoring in, and every time i say "anthropology" he sighs and tells me how i'll never make a living that way.
my mother calls me up to tell me about how her friend's daugher is making a great living being a pharmacist or a physical therapist.
Every time i find something that makes sense, that i'm actually good at, people ridicule me.
I'm not going to be a doctor, i'm not going to be a lawyer, and i'm most certainly not going to be a businesswoman.
and i'm going to be a better roommate than Lonie ever was. take that.
***
does anyone else see the hypocrisy in our parents' generation? They were the flower children; the ones who wanted to see America, to expand their minds, to be free.
And now?
They have mortgages, arthritis, alcoholism, short tempers, and a constant disappointment in their children. They failed at freedom and missed the message.
Dear mom and dad:
now it's our turn to fuck things up. leave us alone.