Either Way, You're Right
"Either way, you're right." The one situation where you will be right either way: either things are going to be awesome or things are going to blow. Which do you choose?
I made my choice. That's the quotation that's on the dry-erase board in my bedroom. That's the mentality I have adopted over the last 7 months. Seven months ago marked the beginning stages of major changes in my life.
I attribute many of the changes in my life to this new mentality. The right attitude determines whether or not you are going to be successful and happy.
I have always believed in the idea of "Timshel," Hebrew for thou mayest-taken from Steinbeck's "East of Eden." It was this novel that showed me that no one is predestined to be good or evil. It all comes down to the choices we make. Take that one step further: it all comes down to how we react to the situations with which we are presented. I loved this idea of "timshel" so much that I tattooed it to my foot in May '07. Don't get me wrong: I have believed in this idea of choice for a long time, but it is only recently that I have begun to truly live it.
I have spent a number of days in my life feeling sorry for myself. I have spent a lot of days blaming others for my problems. I have spent a number of days depressed beyond belief. I have spent days trying so desperately to think of ways that I could run away from my problems.
I'm done with all that. I'm done running. I'm done blaming. I'm accepting responsibility. I'm looking forward to the challenges. So far, I have been met with great success.
Let's look at where I was a year ago:
Relationship:
I was in a relationship with a very wonderful and dedicated person. We went through a fair amount of hardships in the year that we were together. From both of us moving to a new city, starting new jobs, being in a bad car accident, losing/almost losing family members, having issues with roommates, alcohol n finances, etc. there weren't many obstacles that we didn't have to overcome. All of that, and I had begun the relationship too afraid to open up, still living in the past, and being anything but myself-anything but the good girlfriend I knew how to be.
Family:
The farthest I had ever been from home left me struggling. Then to top things off, in November, my father became extremely ill due to a work injury. He ended up in the ICU for the Thanksgiving holiday and had multiple operations and was still hospitalized come Christmas. He didn't make it back home until my Spring Break. I hated that I wasn't there for my family. I resented having to leave my father in the ICU to drive back to a city I didn't care for.
Job:
Teach for America's summer institute in Atlanta was less than enjoyable. It was there I had lost my confidence in teaching. Then I was placed in special education and they were less than prepared to provide the proper support in Charlotte. There was so much to learn. There was so much time commitment to the paperwork and over 200 meetings throughout the school year. I felt like my kids were coming last. I felt inadequate in the eyes of Teach for America. I felt inadequate in the eyes of myself. I was having no fun with teaching, a job I had wanted since second grade.
City:
Charlotte was great in terms of diversity and a younger population. That's where my interests ended. I resented being here and away from the family. I couldn't stand my roommates and the housing situation I was in. It bugged me that they had no respect for others' property or community space.
Friends:
I didn't really have any here in Charlotte. I knew people from TFA. I was so depressed though that I rarely left my room. I never went out. I consumed myself with work, an unhealthy relationship, and misery.
Self-Image:
All of these issues, left me completely depressed and miserable. I had lost all confidence in myself within this new environment. I knew that I was giving less than my 100%, but I didn't know how to change it! I hated me. I also hated the way that I looked. I was heavy and I knew it-I peaked at 184 pounds July 1. What did I have to be confident in?
Then on July 17, our one year anniversary, I ended the relationship.
It was almost immediately after that I realized everything was actually within my control. That's when the quote went up on the board. I began to change things. I began to accept things. I stopped living in the past. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I stopped being so guarded and pessimistic.
Let's look at where I am today- exactly 7 months later:
Relationship:
Incredibly single. Incredibly happy. This is the longest I have gone in 8.5 years without intimacy or a relationship. It is amazing to not need someone else to validate your feeling of self-worth. It is amazing to be so happy and confident with yourself that you don't seek a relationship. It's great to not have someone agreeing with you all the time or telling you what they think you want to hear. Naturally, I miss sharing my life with someone. Naturally I miss the intimacy and connection. But I am so looking forward to my next relationship. I'm no longer pessimistic. I'm excited. I'm ready to be the girlfriend I know I'm capable of being. I know I get closer every day.
Family: My father is doing great! He is up and around as best he can be. We're waiting to hear about the work settlement. His diabetes is under control. He's a real trooper. I love him to death. My mom is going to be moving this summer as the Turnpike is buying her house. My sister just put an offer down for a townhouse so she'll be moving out. I no longer feel like I NEED to be there for them.
Job: I have responsibility! I am the chair of the department. I am co-compliance facilitating. My principal has expressed to my Program Director that she wants me to stay next year. I know my paperwork. I'm making a difference this year with my teaching and feel confident in it. People downtown actually know who I am and want to keep my here in Charlotte. Oh and my Program Director for TFA is awesome.
City: I am finally acclimated! I love the weather! The parks are gorgeous. I live by myself near NODA. I love visiting Smelly Cat and the Dog Bar! I know this city better than I know Pittsburgh!
Friends: I actually socialize at least twice a week now! My best friend Ornela and I eat together each weekend and get together for TV every Monday night. I've been going out with TFA people at least once a week. It's been great getting out and socializing! That's something I have always struggled with.
Self-Image: I feel good about the way that I look. I lost 35 pounds between July 1 and October 15. I have now maintained that weight loss another three months through the holidays :-) I am excited for the summer because I know that's when I'll be able to lose the last 10-15 I want to lose. No depression. No extreme mood swings. I'm done with living a co-dependent lifestyle. Positive mentality. Enjoying life. Excited for life. I have finally learned the most valuable lesson: one must love herself before loving someone else. I love me :-D
Don't get me wrong, I know life isn't going to be perfect. I know that right now I am at the top of the rollercoaster and what goes up must come down. I feel more prepared for those low points though. I feel ready to tackle any challenges thrown my way.
Life is good.
And it's true: "either way you're right."
It feels good to be right :-)
I made my choice. That's the quotation that's on the dry-erase board in my bedroom. That's the mentality I have adopted over the last 7 months. Seven months ago marked the beginning stages of major changes in my life.
I attribute many of the changes in my life to this new mentality. The right attitude determines whether or not you are going to be successful and happy.
I have always believed in the idea of "Timshel," Hebrew for thou mayest-taken from Steinbeck's "East of Eden." It was this novel that showed me that no one is predestined to be good or evil. It all comes down to the choices we make. Take that one step further: it all comes down to how we react to the situations with which we are presented. I loved this idea of "timshel" so much that I tattooed it to my foot in May '07. Don't get me wrong: I have believed in this idea of choice for a long time, but it is only recently that I have begun to truly live it.
I have spent a number of days in my life feeling sorry for myself. I have spent a lot of days blaming others for my problems. I have spent a number of days depressed beyond belief. I have spent days trying so desperately to think of ways that I could run away from my problems.
I'm done with all that. I'm done running. I'm done blaming. I'm accepting responsibility. I'm looking forward to the challenges. So far, I have been met with great success.
Let's look at where I was a year ago:
Relationship:
I was in a relationship with a very wonderful and dedicated person. We went through a fair amount of hardships in the year that we were together. From both of us moving to a new city, starting new jobs, being in a bad car accident, losing/almost losing family members, having issues with roommates, alcohol n finances, etc. there weren't many obstacles that we didn't have to overcome. All of that, and I had begun the relationship too afraid to open up, still living in the past, and being anything but myself-anything but the good girlfriend I knew how to be.
Family:
The farthest I had ever been from home left me struggling. Then to top things off, in November, my father became extremely ill due to a work injury. He ended up in the ICU for the Thanksgiving holiday and had multiple operations and was still hospitalized come Christmas. He didn't make it back home until my Spring Break. I hated that I wasn't there for my family. I resented having to leave my father in the ICU to drive back to a city I didn't care for.
Job:
Teach for America's summer institute in Atlanta was less than enjoyable. It was there I had lost my confidence in teaching. Then I was placed in special education and they were less than prepared to provide the proper support in Charlotte. There was so much to learn. There was so much time commitment to the paperwork and over 200 meetings throughout the school year. I felt like my kids were coming last. I felt inadequate in the eyes of Teach for America. I felt inadequate in the eyes of myself. I was having no fun with teaching, a job I had wanted since second grade.
City:
Charlotte was great in terms of diversity and a younger population. That's where my interests ended. I resented being here and away from the family. I couldn't stand my roommates and the housing situation I was in. It bugged me that they had no respect for others' property or community space.
Friends:
I didn't really have any here in Charlotte. I knew people from TFA. I was so depressed though that I rarely left my room. I never went out. I consumed myself with work, an unhealthy relationship, and misery.
Self-Image:
All of these issues, left me completely depressed and miserable. I had lost all confidence in myself within this new environment. I knew that I was giving less than my 100%, but I didn't know how to change it! I hated me. I also hated the way that I looked. I was heavy and I knew it-I peaked at 184 pounds July 1. What did I have to be confident in?
Then on July 17, our one year anniversary, I ended the relationship.
It was almost immediately after that I realized everything was actually within my control. That's when the quote went up on the board. I began to change things. I began to accept things. I stopped living in the past. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I stopped being so guarded and pessimistic.
Let's look at where I am today- exactly 7 months later:
Relationship:
Incredibly single. Incredibly happy. This is the longest I have gone in 8.5 years without intimacy or a relationship. It is amazing to not need someone else to validate your feeling of self-worth. It is amazing to be so happy and confident with yourself that you don't seek a relationship. It's great to not have someone agreeing with you all the time or telling you what they think you want to hear. Naturally, I miss sharing my life with someone. Naturally I miss the intimacy and connection. But I am so looking forward to my next relationship. I'm no longer pessimistic. I'm excited. I'm ready to be the girlfriend I know I'm capable of being. I know I get closer every day.
Family: My father is doing great! He is up and around as best he can be. We're waiting to hear about the work settlement. His diabetes is under control. He's a real trooper. I love him to death. My mom is going to be moving this summer as the Turnpike is buying her house. My sister just put an offer down for a townhouse so she'll be moving out. I no longer feel like I NEED to be there for them.
Job: I have responsibility! I am the chair of the department. I am co-compliance facilitating. My principal has expressed to my Program Director that she wants me to stay next year. I know my paperwork. I'm making a difference this year with my teaching and feel confident in it. People downtown actually know who I am and want to keep my here in Charlotte. Oh and my Program Director for TFA is awesome.
City: I am finally acclimated! I love the weather! The parks are gorgeous. I live by myself near NODA. I love visiting Smelly Cat and the Dog Bar! I know this city better than I know Pittsburgh!
Friends: I actually socialize at least twice a week now! My best friend Ornela and I eat together each weekend and get together for TV every Monday night. I've been going out with TFA people at least once a week. It's been great getting out and socializing! That's something I have always struggled with.
Self-Image: I feel good about the way that I look. I lost 35 pounds between July 1 and October 15. I have now maintained that weight loss another three months through the holidays :-) I am excited for the summer because I know that's when I'll be able to lose the last 10-15 I want to lose. No depression. No extreme mood swings. I'm done with living a co-dependent lifestyle. Positive mentality. Enjoying life. Excited for life. I have finally learned the most valuable lesson: one must love herself before loving someone else. I love me :-D
Don't get me wrong, I know life isn't going to be perfect. I know that right now I am at the top of the rollercoaster and what goes up must come down. I feel more prepared for those low points though. I feel ready to tackle any challenges thrown my way.
Life is good.
And it's true: "either way you're right."
It feels good to be right :-)