(no subject)
my name is kristen leigh wilson, and i have changed so much in the past two years. when i moved here i promised myself i would give this new place a chance, id try to be the best i could be, id try to be a good girl and do what i was told. but i guess trying doesnt cut it. it never has with you. no one really understands me. the only people i could ever turn to after grandma dyed was my friends ive learned so much over the past year and a half. like how to survive on my own. its hard when ur whole world gets taken away from you. 13 years old, ill never understand why god did that to me. sometimes i cant even beleive there is a god. i always got along just fine though. i didnt need drugs to take the pain away, i didnt need to scream or take things out on other people, and i didnt need to contemplate suicide because i had the people i needed. well now im stuck here, in the middle of nowhere and im just supposed to start over, make new friends, go to this new school where i dont know anyone. ive always been uncomfortable
in new situations. i hate change more then anything and it doesnt help at all to know i am millions of miles away from the person i need. im not supposed to have to feel like this at 14. im not supposed to wake up every morning wishing i could die. im supposed to still have a childhood but i dont have one anymore. its gone, all of it. all i want is to be somewhere where im wanted. how can anyone consider this a home? this is not my home. i dont have a home, i dont have a family, i dont have anyone. do you know how many times i sit alone in my room and cry? im always holding back my feelings. im sick of hiding them. im sick of hurting myself on the outside to try to kill the pain on the inside. i dont understand myself. i dont know who i am anymore. no one really cares how i feel, no one gives a fuck if im depressed.
why cant u just let me be? why cant u just let me go die, because ur too fucking worried about urself. thats all u care about, getting what u need. are you scared this is gonna get u in trouble? scared the cops will arrest u? thats the only reason u would ever call them. u dont give a shit about me. so you can see this as a goodbye. i was never enough for you, never enough for any of you and i know that im just gonna wind up back here again. back in this hell hole of a place. because its a neverending nightmare, no one gives a shit if im happy. so let me be happy for a fucking day. i want to be away from all the pain. the sick part is all i ever wanted was to make u proud. yeah well i tryed this, i gave this place a chance. and its no better then any other place. im running out of time and im not going to sit around and put myself through anymore of this. my arms are covered in cuts and scars..my body covered with bruises. these marks left a trail of pain, i will never forget what they were for. i will never forget the people that drove me to do this to myself. i am not blaming this on anyone but me, this is my fault. this is a letter to no one in particular, a cry for help, to who im not sure. bits and parts are directed towards my family, others towards people who have hurt me badly. tonight i have reached the edge, now its my choice if im ready to let myself fall..or to keep holding on.
6:26 AM .. its over.