we keep hangin on for more.
in the last few weeks ive been feeling like im not myself.
i get upset easily, i think things that are totally irrational,i feel needy for others mostly brendan and my family(including very close friends),i rarely want to do much because i worry too much about how i will feel the next day at work and such.. i think i feel like i want to be alone and just sit and think a lot of the time, but i know the second im alone for just that minute TOO long.. i will be so lonely.
i think it all roots at the fact that the christmas season is coming, im working my ass off at work selling soooo fucking much(double or more than my co-workers) and i still have no money. yes i understand this is growing up and living on your own. but i feel i get little satisfaction in the end. cause i work, and come home and have no energy for anything, and not as many people to spend time with( or at least not as many people i would really care to spend time with. )
I also can never get the thought out of my head of how much i have taken from my parents. how our christmas wont be the same this year due to my faults and my money problems. but i brought it on myself, i think i knew deep down it would happen this way. i broke down in front of my mom the last night i would see her before christmas, because i had to talk to her about money, i have no food.. and when she told me that she hadnt done xmas shopping yet, she had to pay bills and she could only spare 20$ for me to come home with, i just cried and cried while she hugged me and told me.. "its okay baby dont cry, your dad and i love you and would do anything for you, and i know you will be rich and famous one day and it will all pay off right?" she has so much faith in me.. and would kill for me and its so amazing. but i just cant stand to see her struggle even the tinyiest bit. my parents deserve the world and they could have it if i didnt take it away from them so much.
im just sooo fucking lucky to have them and i thank fucking god everyday for it.
im sitting alone in my apartment living room, all the lights out but the laptop and the lights on the christmas tree and i dont think ive ever felt so utterly happy to think about how much more my family and friends mean to me than gifts. i sit here hoping i have the best time with them ever this christmas, and not one thought of gifts for myself come into mind. i think of giving people i love things i know they will adore, and just being able to laugh and spend time with them.
merry christmas-i love you.
---------------
this turned out a lot more serious than i had originally planned.
-Heather
i get upset easily, i think things that are totally irrational,i feel needy for others mostly brendan and my family(including very close friends),i rarely want to do much because i worry too much about how i will feel the next day at work and such.. i think i feel like i want to be alone and just sit and think a lot of the time, but i know the second im alone for just that minute TOO long.. i will be so lonely.
i think it all roots at the fact that the christmas season is coming, im working my ass off at work selling soooo fucking much(double or more than my co-workers) and i still have no money. yes i understand this is growing up and living on your own. but i feel i get little satisfaction in the end. cause i work, and come home and have no energy for anything, and not as many people to spend time with( or at least not as many people i would really care to spend time with. )
I also can never get the thought out of my head of how much i have taken from my parents. how our christmas wont be the same this year due to my faults and my money problems. but i brought it on myself, i think i knew deep down it would happen this way. i broke down in front of my mom the last night i would see her before christmas, because i had to talk to her about money, i have no food.. and when she told me that she hadnt done xmas shopping yet, she had to pay bills and she could only spare 20$ for me to come home with, i just cried and cried while she hugged me and told me.. "its okay baby dont cry, your dad and i love you and would do anything for you, and i know you will be rich and famous one day and it will all pay off right?" she has so much faith in me.. and would kill for me and its so amazing. but i just cant stand to see her struggle even the tinyiest bit. my parents deserve the world and they could have it if i didnt take it away from them so much.
im just sooo fucking lucky to have them and i thank fucking god everyday for it.
im sitting alone in my apartment living room, all the lights out but the laptop and the lights on the christmas tree and i dont think ive ever felt so utterly happy to think about how much more my family and friends mean to me than gifts. i sit here hoping i have the best time with them ever this christmas, and not one thought of gifts for myself come into mind. i think of giving people i love things i know they will adore, and just being able to laugh and spend time with them.
merry christmas-i love you.
---------------
this turned out a lot more serious than i had originally planned.
-Heather