not optimistic
as if this hasn't already been the slowest, most depressing year of my life so far, listen to this bullshit.
first of all it was shady and low of courtney asnd susannah to decide to get an apartment together and start looking before saying anything to me or chiara. but yesterday susannah, after being gone all day, tried to wake me and chiara up from our naps because they had signed for one and were so excited. are you fucking kidding me? unless the apartment has a third bedroom than i do not want to hear one fucking word about it. they KNEW that i have nowhere to go. it was only in this past week that chiara said she would want to move in with me. so i had nowhere to go and no one cared. what a nice fucking feeling. i am so fucking tired of them. i cannot think of two more pretentious and insensitive people. we moved in together because i thought they were my friends, but now i am counting down the days until i can get the hell out of Mccabe hall. we'll probably never talk again. i see absolutely no reason to. what a waste of my fucking time. chiara is the only thing i have in that hellhole right now. if she turns on me too i cannot even iagine what i'll do to myself.
last night i got a message form work about some sort of crisis so i came in early this morning to work. why was it a crisis? prom. ugh. the two other assistants going to their proms and not being there, and a bunch of little whores coming in to get their hair curled. i do not even like to think about high school, and having that shit in my face makes me sick. and if ONE MORE FUCKING PERSON asks me if a have a boyfriend i am going to hold their head in the shampoo bowl and drown them. no i don't.. i never have. i actually don't even have friends anymore either. thanks for reminding me.
i do not want to go back there or to the office this summer but they are both asking me to. and since no one gave me answers soon enough, i can't stay downtown unless some miracle happens. they both pay me well and i wouldn't need a car because i can walk to the salon and i go with my dad to the office. i could make a lot of money, but i really hate that place. i've been there 3 years and some change. and every second in that place i feel like i'm not a brain cell past 16. i am going to be 20 soon. how fucking sick is that. and i have jack shit. i don't have significant school under my belt, relative work expirience, a home, a posse, a skill. i have a fucking betta fish and an antipsychotic cocktail to get me through the day. of course partial ownership of the world's most perfect cat.
i don't even write anymore. i don't sing, i don't play guitar. that is what i was going to do. that's what i wanted. but i can't do it anymore. i just can't. i put my fingers on the strings and it feels alien. i don't even remember anything. i don't even remember who i am. and whenever i try to explain that i'm just given more pills. i don't know what to say. help me? my god i feel like thats all my parents and doctors do. i want to get out of this. i just wish someone could understand that i do everything i'm supposed to and it chages noting.
i'm going back to school tomorrow. i really don't know if i'm going to be able to face asshole and asswipe without killing them. i'll let you know if i get arrested.